My new friend has calming effect on me

Holy moly!

Not even a flooded sun room and busted fridge can rattle this girl who has been talking non-stop to a nice, new, charming friend.

We spoke for hours on end last night....I finally went into the Sunroom around 430 a.m. to find a flood! No. I did not freak out. I matter-of-factly assessed the situation, got my sham wows to start mopping up the excess water and make sure my computer system was not submerged.

Well, some computer wires were damp so I asked for assistance on Facebook before I had to unplug myself from the world.

I moved the love seat, unplugged everything, got all the computer stuff to safety, texted my sister to call me when she awoke and texted a great friend who is a computer whiz.

Still not rattled. Thank you new friend.

I finally got the water up and laid down more sham wows.

I needed a few hours of sleep so I napped on the love seat until my sister called and my computer friend called me too..... I asked my sister to put an addendum on fb for folks who can help to call me since I was unplugged! My computer buddy was gonna be in the neighborhood so he was going to try and stop by as well.

I contacted Sears who said they'd be out in 3 weeks. No can do. I called a local mom and pop fridge fixer and boom --God was on my side. They were actually in the neighborhood! They fixed my problem ipso facto pronto! My very good friend put my entire computer system back together. I am ever so indebted to him for the rest of my life! I really do have good friends and Mom as my guardian angel always watching my back.

Never did the smile leave my face through this adverse situation. Thank you new friend!

Euphoria

I would have died for my Mother. I would have endured all the pain and suffering she had the last years of her life in a heartbeat if I could have switched places with her. I hope with the way Mom raised me & my home training I would do the same for any family member of mine, and I hope good friend...or really anyone who needed my help.

Well, today, I realized I think I really do know what loving someone feels like (besides a family member).

I have a dear friend who had a bone marrow transplant today. He and his family ARE family to me. For the first time in a long time I realize how important someone is to me, how much I love them, and can not even imagine them not being around.

When word started trickling back that my friend made it through his operation with flying colors and was feeling strong, I could have soared or leapt over the tallest downtown Cleveland skyscrapers. Nothing could have snuffed out my happiness, yet I did not believe that happiness could become euphoria. Think again.

I can not even believe I was able to contain myself for the rest of my shift, the rest of the day. My cell phone text jingle went off. Having absolutely no clue who was texting me, I took a glance.

My eyes opened up as big as shiny silver wheels on a spiffy souped up sports car as I read the text from my friend, who had just endured surgery. "Thanks Daniella....everything's going well...it was an incredible day."

I burst into tears of joy, could not sit down for the rest of my shift and just raised my eyes up to Heaven thanking God that he'd given me the gift of not only friends, but love. Some never really experience the love of others or loving someone else let alone being surrounded their whole lives by family and friends.

I've got it all!

Opening Day Weekend 2011

I adore the game of baseball.

I get that cherished gift & interest from my Mom. She bestowed that gem on our entire family. She received the gift from her father, my Grampa, who my Aunt says took them to see the Indians when they were all just small kids. In fact, Auntie has some of the fondest memories of her dad taking her to a ballgame, and getting -- a hot dog. Having a ballpark hotdog with authentic baseball mustard watching a game with her Dad = priceless.

To the normal fan it's a game, maybe a day off of work, a time to share a few beers with friends. To me, it's so much more.

On Opening Day, the memories come gushing back spanning my entire life --baseball memories I've collected over the years with Mom, my sister, Aunt, and the kids which will be with me forever. We have thousands and thousands.

I truly enjoy the game of baseball. Oh yes, there is nothing like winning baseball from your favorite team but I'll support them rain or shine, win or lose. I was part of the smallest crowds the Indians had Opening Day weekend 2011. It didn't matter because the weather was beautiful, baseball is back for the next 7 months, and I saw progress and hope in the current players taking the field. The Indians have always had scrappers. Guys who come to play with their A-game. They give their all, no matter the outcome.

The normal 'joe' fan looks at the daily paper and sees the final score. That's no way to watch or follow baseball. Watching every intricate play tells the story. Even in a loss, you can see how hard the guys played, glean the many bright spots, and still gain pleasure from our National Pasttime.

Opening Day Weekend 2011 brought old memories back to life and formed new ones.

The entire weekend began with a memorial service for the best pitcher in baseball, Bob Feller, who recently passed away. What a tribute. It was a beautiful memorial service recalling many memories. Though many of today's pitchers are quite talented, I believe we coddle them too much. There is absolutely no comparison to the pitchers of Bob Feller's time and today. Those pitchers way back when played for love of the game. They made no money. They had to get real jobs in the off-season, which kept them strong and tone. They could pitch a complete game and the next day be called upon again to pitch another one. None of this "You can only pitch 102 pitches and then I am taking you out no matter how well you are still pitching!"

Bob Feller also sacrificed his career in baseball for the greater good of his country, which he loved so much....and while serving his country, put his life in harms way every day he was in the military. He is proof positive that if you do the right thing and stick to your beliefs and passions, it all works out.

Then Opening Day weekend 2011 against one of our hardest opponents, the Chicago White Sox. On the bright side, our old friend Omar Vizquel buzzed back into town. I would love to see Omar come back to play or better still to coach one day. He always claims he has a special place in his heart for Cleveland and Clevelanders.

Besides the outcome, everything else was near perfection. Pre-game festivities honoring Bob Feller chilling. 3 huge banners were hung on the center field wall. Every single player wore the #19 jersey for pre-game and introductions. Then Mrs. Feller placing a baseball on the pitcher's mound for the silent 1st pitch. And then the balloon launch as we screamed 'play ball!'

I adore the videos the Indians' play on the scoreboard --they always move me. 2011 will not disappoint. So far, the videos have been tremendous...and yes, the tears came streaming down.

I was at the game with 2 friends who get it. They love the game of baseball as much as I do. 1 of them I consider to be one of my dearest friends in the whole wide world....the other person is a friend I've reconnected with on fb after oh, maybe 15 or so years. I could not have asked to be at opening day with 2 better people who realize the pureness of this game.

Of course, Mom was with us in spirit....and will always be at every single game with me. I firmly believe that she is the Indians' biggest guardian angel. They may not have gone far last year, but things are looking up.

Good friends all know my passion for the sport and how important this game is to me. I received text messages and facebook messages all day and night long wishing me 'happy opening day,' 'I know this is like a holiday to you, have fun,' and other gleeful salutations!

Another dear friend moved away in the beginning of the year. I must admit, I was a bit bitter for a smidge of time. And I do so miss him soooo but I will not let this season go by without keeping in close proximity with him to talk, message, text baseball week in, week out!

Even though the Indians lost the official opening day game, I did not feel bad. I had just seen a major league baseball game outside in the open air under beautiful weather with 2 good friends. I'd seen an exciting game from both teams. That's how I roll. I don't feel bad anymore. I know how blessed I am to be able to watch this game and enjoy every single pitch.

The Indians wound up losing their 2nd game but pulled out a huge win on Sunday. Both games were quite exciting. At least, I had a blast both days. I saw very good friends at all of the games....enjoyed balmy temps.....and can't believe how lucky I am to be able to watch my favorite team play my favorite sport.

I have a really good feeling about this team. Most people admit there are so many players they have never heard of, don't recognize, don't know where they came from.....I am proud to say I not only know the players, recognize them when I see them, know what position they play and their numbers. When you follow a team and their minor league teams, you follow the entire team. It's like watching a child born and follow their progression through teenage years into adult hood. I absolutely adore everyone from the veterans to the youngsters to the newer players we recently acquired.

I admit, I'm nowhere close to enjoying the game like Mom. She'd amaze me game after game as she totally remembered a player's stats without looking up at the big score board....she'd remember what they did last game....and in the entire series. She knew every pitch every player threw...if he was a ground ball pitcher or flyball pitcher. I adored my Mother in every way for who she was and what she instilled in me...not only with the game of baseball but life in general.

I'm no Marianne, but no one is or ever will be. I am striving to be like her and put the same passion into the game (of baseball & the game we call life) as I hope to get as much enjoyment out of both!

Mom & Mercedes hitting the slots together again

I can only imagine the special reunion between Mom and one of her best friends, Mercedes. Add in Mr. and Mrs. DeGrandis and the rest of my wacky family members and they have a full-fledged non-stop party absolutely out of this world. Main course: Pasta and meatballs!

Mercedes Karpinski Spotts died February 14, 2011.

Mom and Mercedes were life long friends since high school, if not before. They wound up going to Notre Dame Academy, the old school on Ansel Road, way back when--as they and my Aunt still says, "A million years ago!"

I never remember a time not knowing Mercedes. She was a doll and a role model. She mimic'd Mom's strength, willingness to speak her mind (which I have), zest for life, being a problem solver rather than idly standing by, finesse for gambling, & most importantly, love of family and God. Oh yes, their heritage too. Just as Mom was so very proud of her Italian and Bohemian upbringing, Mercedes just as enthusiastic and proud of her Polish background.

Mercedes did not come over as much as she wanted because of our dogs...that was one difference between us all. She was not a dog lover and we were consumed with all of our dogs.

I never saw her when she did not have a smile on her face and something incredible to say about Mom. She had the best sense of humor and pretty much poked fun at everyone, most importantly herself!

At Mass, she and Mom would always sit together in their pew. God forbid someone else slip in their spots! Mercedes would tell my choir director David after Mass that I was singing to HER rather than my Mom.....and would speak 'crazytalk' requesting that I sing her funeral. I never thought that time would come so soon and believed that request was far off into the future.

Mercedes walked with a cane, which slowed her down a bit. That's the only thing that slowed her down. She was one of the sharpest women I knew. She still drove. She'd steal Mom away to go to lunch, dinner, high school reunions, and gambling jaunts. Even after Mom's mobility suffered, Mercedes still tried getting her out of the house every so often. They had a core group of friends who would travel around having fun well into their 70's as they neared the 80 mark.

When our church had a special fundraiser, night of a thousand dinners, Mercedes was one of our guests. Everyone loved her and she adored the rest of our dinner guests. Her laugh, infectious, and knowledge astounding. As usual, she held the floor most of the time.

Probably one of the best vacations Mom had was with Mercedes, and I believe, Mrs. DeGrandis. Mercedes was heading to Las Vegas for business and convinced Mom and Mrs. D. to join her! Mom talked about that trip up until she died. And Mercedes was simply amazed at Mom's luck.

I believe the real last big event they attended was a milestone high school reunion maybe 5 years before Mom passed. Again, they both had such a tremendous time together and with so many of their classmates, who were all still alive. Those ladies really knew how to party and do it up right! Hopefully, I will follow in their footsteps in that respect as well.


After Mom died, Mercedes pulled me aside and said she was taking me under her wing. If there was anything at all I needed, I should call her. She and I also went out to lunch periodically. She'd ask how I was REALLY doing.....she'd ask if they were treating me nicely at work.....and then she'd ask me about my love life. She, like Mom, was very concerned with finding me a nice boy who was going to take care of me. I told her it was in God's hands, but I did want a nice boy one day! She'd give me a big sigh and say, "I don't get it. You are smart, talented, beautiful, have the voice of an angel, the prettiest smile..."

Besides everything else Mercedes did for me, she always boosted my self esteem!


Mercedes is in a much better place --the destination she and my Mom worked their whole lives to reach. She's perfect--no ills, no pain, no walking cane anymore. She's with her Mom and Dad and sister Gloria.


The best thing I can do to keep their spirits alive and continue making them proud is incorporate into my daily life the ideals Mom and Mercedes taught me which include, keeping my faith strong, spreading the good word of God by example, living life to the fullest, enjoying family & friends, never giving up or doubting myself, celebrating God & life, using the talents God gave me, and of course sharing delicious meals with those I love and playing the slots every chance I get --especially when the new casino opens in Cleveland!

Go Tribe! (that was for Mom!!)

What does God have in store for 2011?

Looking back at 2010 still amazes me. Never in a million years did I ever imagine more than half of the shenanigans dancing into my life.

2010 was a mixture of still grieving Mom immensely, which unfortunately will be the lot for the rest of my life....intermixed with more sadness as Uncle Bill passed away....however, as Mom echoes in my head daily, God is good.

God and Mom brought me much happiness from my family and friends, especially old friends who re-entered my life.

My trip to the OBX with my best college friends reassured me that I am loved and am not alone in this world. Definitely just what the doctor ordered, though the wild horses eluded us :(

Uncle Bill actually waited for me to come home before passing away....the day I arrived home and visited him with the hummingbird wind chime I brought home, he knew who I was, got that great smile he always made and thanked me for his gift. I miss him so, but I'm sure nothing compared to how much Auntie misses him.

After handling Mom's funeral just 6 months before, when he passed, my family was great in swinging into action to handle everything for Auntie. Being friends with the funeral director, I immediately called Kevin on his cell phone and set the wheels in motion. Such a wonderful time looking through old pictures as we put picture walls together. Though a sad time, it brought about tons of laughter, which is one of the greatest gifts Uncle Bill always shared with us.

The day of Uncle Bill's funeral, I left the church and saw everyone weeping pointing at the hearse. I couldn't even imagine. As I got closer I realized everyone was half laughing, half crying as a squirrel danced around under the hearse. Uncle Bill always fed the birds and squirrels and this truly was a sign that he was there and would be there with us forever. Even today, as I walk to and from church, I see that same crazy squirrel (Uncle Bill) taunting me!

Cleveland Indians' baseball played a huge role--really saving me on those days I didn't want to be here. I know it's hard for people who don't like baseball to comprehend how I feel about this sport, and more importantly Cleveland Indians' baseball. It's a part of me, my life. My guys pulled me out from the bottom of the well time and time again. Without baseball, I'd be a vine that shrivels up and dies. I guess it is an expensive habit, but seeing it's really the only thing I do, and how it saved my life in 2010, it's well worth the cost. A habit I am not ready to give up. Baseball allowed me to visit my best friend in Tampa, Florida and share a day of baseball with our entire family and close friends in a loge at Progressive Field. When I think back at what makes me who I am and what brings tears of joy to my eyes--family, close friends, singing, and Cleveland Indians' baseball. And when family & friends are intertwined with Cleveland Indians baseball, I'm walking on air!

I re-connected with grade school friends, who once again, gave me a reason to continue onward..... I can not even put into words how Susie, Sheila, Teresa, Johnny, and Sal brought me back to my roots and made me remember what is truly important in life. They were excited to see me and liked me for me--not who I've become, what I do, who I know, what kind of car I drive or even how many pounds I've packed on since our grade school days. I will be ever indebted to all of their friendships and how they grasped me out of oblivion.

What's even more chilling--the wonderful stories every single friend of mine has about my Mom. I never knew that she touched so many people's lives, but she did making me love her even more, if that's even possible, and really giving me the oomph to try and emulate her as much as I can.

There is one friend in particular who really brought me back to life. I always think of the line in "While you were sleeping" which says 'I may have saved your life that day, but you really saved mine....' and that is exactly the way I feel about this wonderful human being. They finally energized me to take down my Christmas decorations May 16, 2010 and start living again....

The summer was magical and nothing I'd ever imagined.....the entire year really one big fantasy dream....

The people I re-connected with and have been able to keep in touch with mind blowing.

I still can not even believe I made a 2nd trip to Tampa to visit my friend Craig but also see the Cleveland Browns' away opener.

An emotional time for me (well, honestly, when wasn't I emotional in 2010?) was Mom's birthday. I remember it as if it were yesterday. My schedule had changed at work for a few days...and when I was not at work I was glued to the television watching the Chilean Miners being rescued --on Mom's birthday. Call me crazy, but I honestly believe Mom had something to do with that miracle. I never put anything past my Mother.

When my family gathered for the 1 year anniversary of Mom's death, she did it to us again. As we sat in Trattoria in Little Italy, a rainbow sat right above our restaurant and the text messages started coming in from friends saying Mom was talking to us all. Thank you Mom!

Winding up the year, yet more baseball stuff as I hit SnowDays and had the most amazing time in my home away from home! I can not believe I had the guts to go down the Batterhorn twice and then skated for the next 3 hours. Again, when baseball, family, and my best friends are involved, I'm happiest.

Mom would always say "God is good." As well as: live life to the fullest....don't worry about what you have no control over....God will always provide.....

Being me, I'm trying to figure out what will happen in 2011 and doubting that it could ever top 2010. But Mom brings me back. I have no clue what God has in store for me or any of us....but you can be sure, it will be one hell of an adventure. And if I put total trust in Him, live life to the fullest following in God and Mom's footsteps, not only will it be as good as 2010 but surpass it at warped speed!

Prettiest church in the diocese, especially at Christmas

I'm partial and quite one-sided when it comes to which church is the prettiest in the city. Hands down, Our Lady of Peace!

Not only are the aesthetics phenomenal, coupled with the Christmas decorations, but add in the heart and soul of the parishioners, and you gain perfection!

Though I had a hard time getting the Christmas spirit this year, it all came together in the end.


I'm not going to lie. Not having Mom or Uncle Bill is horrendous. It's not getting easier, only harder for me.


But this was always our favorite time of the year (still is for me), and by golly, I'm never ever going to let it pass without realizing what the season means and enjoying it to its full extent.


There were many miracles from Heaven this season, especially last week. I still had no tree....and 2 very good friends surprised me by leaving a tree in my front vestibule while I was at work. Shocked. Amazed. Felt like I was in some movie not believing the generosity of their hearts and what they had done for me.

Then my Aunt and Sister put the lights on the tree the following night....


From that moment, the season kicked into high gear and the Christmas Cheer meter was on the rise.





I was a baking fiend cooking dozens and dozens of cookies non-stop for a week. I made our traditional butter balls, pizelles, and gucci daddi's (I honestly have no idea how to spell it, but they are my favorites!).





Many years ago I wrote a poem on how people should act as if everyday is Christmas. I still believe that. Mom, too, was a firm believer in that philosophy which is why we kept a few Christmas knick knacks (the kneeling Santa, a small nativity scene, etc.) out year round.


This year's Christmas letter is the only thing that will be late. I don't know when I will have the time to finish it, but I WILL complete it and will eventually send it out, even if it's actually a New Year's or Valentine's letter!

We kept up all of our traditions including St. Nick, Chrismas Eve at my house, attending Mass together (well, I'm at all of them singing)....spending Christmas all together.....and remembering the reason for the season and enjoying it to the max!

A very merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours!

Mom's hand print still present in my life

It's been 365 days and counting....since we buried Mom.

We've all lived through an entire year of experiences, events, relationships, fending for ourselves without the matriarch of the family.

I don't believe it will get easier.

I don't believe I personally will ever get over this life-changing circumstance.

That does not mean I have not continued onward.

Mom used to always tell me, 'we are survivors.'

And we were...and I am.

Mom enjoyed life to the fullest and I am sure expects the rest of us to continue that legacy.

The irony of this past weekend and how it played out tells the story.

We celebrated Mass for Mom Saturday and then the entire family gathered for dinner. Mass was beautiful. Behind the scenes up in the choir loft, Mom 'the jokester' had the upper hand as a number of mishaps occurred, though not visible or noticeable to the congregation. My choir director turned to me at one point as we held back the laughter & tears and said 'Your Mom's playing tricks on us today.'

I hope people see that part of her in me. Her eyes lit up a room and so did her smile. She openly loved her God, her family, her friends, and her life.

At dinner, the same fun and frivolity continued....I must say. Sometimes families feud. We all have. But, usually when we all get together, there is much more laughter, strolling down memory lane, and making of new memories than anything else. Just picture 7 people sitting around the table in a Chinese restaurant (that has a turntable on the center of the table) ....and much of the night all talking at the same time telling funny stories...good times!

Mom must have placed her hand on all of us this weekend to lift our spirits and remove our sorrows. I heard from a very dear friend of mine Saturday night. I was surprised to hear from him, yet overjoyed.

I know many adhere to the mantra you should make your own happiness and not rely on others. I am sorry. There are a handful of people in my life who DO make me happy. I get excited just knowing I may see or hear from them. They do bring joy to my life, whether they want to admit it or not. When I talk or see them, I can not remove the smile from my face or the twinkle from my eyes.

Well, that's this friend. And I thank God daily for him. God has truly blessed me.

Sunday much of the same, under Mom's watchful eye. The Browns had a bye week so I figured all right, going to get a lot done AND the Browns can't lose this week! Uh-huh. After singing all the Masses I heard from one of my best girlfriends who I met for lunch.

Then off in search of a bracelet that a friend of mine asked me to buy....he has a necklace for his sister and wanted a matching bracelet. I promised I'd keep my eyes open for the kind he's requesting.

While at the Mall, I got bamboozled to purchase a hair accessory, except the man selling me the accessory spewed compliments the entire time he fussed with my hair. Was he doing it to sell the item? Honestly, I don't think so. Now his tag team partner WAS just trying to close the deal on the purchase. I folded. I made the purchase. It was well worth the 40 minutes of compliments and hair fussing!

And because he detained me so long, I saw the most delicious sunset on my way home. The entire weekend, whole day had Mom's hand print stamped all over it.

Finally, handing out candy to the adorable trick or treaters brought it all to a perfect conclusion. We must have had at least 150 children, all cute and courteous saying please and thank you.

I must admit. As a child, Halloween was an ok holiday. It was safe to trick or treat with your friends....my sister and Mother always made me the greatest costumes....and we'd always make our way to Chaloupka's bakery for lots of free 'old time' candies.

As I got older, both Mom and I really disliked this Hallowed time for some reason. That's why when her funeral fell on Halloween, the irony of it all overwhelmed me. However, what we could never get over is handing out candy, oftentimes, to kids who may not have the easiest of lives. The look in their eyes, the smiles on their faces, and the gratitude in their parents' faces made the entire night so worth it all.

Thank you Mom, for yet another fabulous day. I know you are not physically here but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that I AM still here today because of you. Thank you for that and I love you so very much (I love you more!).

Gotta have faith --in God, humankind, yourself

Mom would razz me because I always saw the good in everyone, but at the same time so proud because she passed on and taught us all that particular character flaw.

There were 3 boys in grade school who were, let's say, mischievous. Yes, that's it. Ok, at times they were downright bad.

However, they were always very nice to me and never wanted anything from me in return (no cheating on tests, nothing like that). I was not intimidated by their antics nor juvenile delinquent acts.

I was always willing to help them and lend a hand. Others in class were amazed that I was not afraid of the terrible three.

I wasn't. In fact, there was one I was kinda sweet on in the second grade. He was cute! (Ha ha, just imagine a 2nd year old saying that--'he's cuuuuuute!')

As they got older their misdemeanor acts turned to felonies, yet I still kept the faith.

1 of them is a great guy. 1 of them I lost touch with, and unfortunately, the third one's history caught up with him and he is no longer with us.

I never ever lost faith in the trio.

Saturday's "Heroes for Northeast Ohio" brought back my faith in humankind (or at least a little of it for a smidge of time). I worked the food drive from a little after it began until the very end.

As usual Northeast Ohio came through again, as they always do. I worked the Bainbridge/Aurora site. The amount of food, coats, clothes, toys, and money gathered during that 6 hour span unbelievable.

First of all, the volunteers who gave of their time spectacular.

Small children walking up literally giving the coat off their back....parents going inside Wal Mart and coming out with bags of items to donate.

The stream of givers constant.

Cars driving up with dozens of coats and bags full of toys for those who have nothing.

I know humans have it in them. Sometimes it's hard for them to pull the trigger, especially if their life is rough. But in the end, usually human kind comes through and does the right thing.

I never really give up on humankind, though at times, certain individuals disappoint.

And again, the constant thread through my entire life: Mom. Mom always taught from the very beginning, "God is good." "Keep the faith." "Never lose faith, especially in God, yourself, others."

And as usual, Mom was right. Let's face it, my Mother was never wrong. Even though we are approaching the one year anniversary of her death, she teaches me a lesson every day and STILL is correct.

As you all know, Mom and I are the biggest Cleveland Indians' fans...all Cleveland, all sports really. Mom NEVER gave up on the Tribe, the Cavs, or the Browns.

As I took in God's warm sunshine Sunday during the Cleveland Browns' game in near 80 degree temperatures, I heard Mom saying 'keep the faith. The Browns WILL pull through and win this game.' And son of a gun, they beat the World Champion New Orleans Saints.

We have and will continue getting mocked, especially when it comes to our sports teams. But, I will NEVER ever give up. I believe and will always believe in the heart and soul of Cleveland Sports.

My hardest task is keeping the faith in myself. I second guess myself all the time. I disappoint myself constantly. I fall short of my goals and expectations and beat myself up worse than anyone. When others treat me like dirt, ignore me, or don't make me a priority, I think that's how I should treat myself. Well, it's not. I need to work on loving myself like God loves me. If others who I hold in very high esteem disappoint, let me down, sadden me, even to the point of tears, I have to shake it off and look within. I need to realize God made me and he did not make S _ _ T! I have to pray to God and ask him for the strength and the faith to endure others' human frailties.

As Mom always said, 'gotta keep the faith Babe!'

Unforgettable moment

I've discussed this before.

Some days I can not recall what I did an hour ago while other memories are unforgettable.

A few weeks ago, the great Doctor Robert J. White passed away at his home in Geneva. Dr. White is known around the world for being one of the best neurosurgeons in the world. He's also known world-wide for being an advisor and doctor to numerous Pontiffs.

We are blessed and lucky to know him as a very humble man who adored Mom, went to my church, attended daily mass, and was never too busy to visit or speak with you.

Growing up, I remember seeing the White clan at church Sunday after Sunday when the kids were growing up. As they grew up, moved, and moved on, Dr. White was still a pillar at daily and weekly mass.

With Mom being the church secretary, he'd speak with her often and took an interest in her health. Both had their strong faith and devotion which anchored their friendship.

One of the all-time greatest moments in my life as reader and Eucharistic Minister was the day I gave Dr. White communion.

The reality of it is that we are all God's children. And Dr. Robert White was as humble and real as they come.

However, to me, he was an icon, a hero. He saved lives. He was not God, but he helped people and oftentimes saved their lives if it was not time for them to see their Maker.

The fact that I was distributing the Body of Christ to one of my heroes brought me to tears and sent chills up and down my spine.

I will never ever forget that moment as long as I live.

Another very distinct honor I had was assisting in the singing at Dr. White's Memorial Service. Mom always told me, "You have a God-given talent. Use it. Those who sing pray twice!" So how could I mess with Mom, her directives, and not use one of my God-given talents.

I was honored and humbled to sing the entire Mass as well as solo Ave Maria during the service. I was even more taken aback when I ran into a longtime competitor after the service who put two and two together and was just gushing at my singing.

Another sign that we all have God-given talents and there is so much more to each person on this earth. Never diminish anyone. God has put us all here for a reason, whether we know why or not.

Every single funeral I sing, I look up to Heaven and pray that those I love dearly and the person who I am honoring can hear my gift to them and are smiling down on me and all of us.

The final home game of the 2010 season

I can honestly say in convincing fashion, I am not bad luck for 'my' Cleveland Indians!

For a fleeting moment, I thought I was....but after attending the last 7 games in a row and winning the last 6, I'm off the hook!

What a ride! What a whirlwind!

The last week has been surreal with a number of '1sts,' memorable moments, emotional events on and off the field, and downright fun!

Spending the 1st part of my week off with my best friend started the ball rolling.

And all week with 'my' Cleveland Indians --pinch me!

Mom IS channeling through me as each day goes by and I get even more love for the Tribe, skyrocketing interest which I never knew was possible, and such joy from watching them day in and day out.

However, the season is winding down and that sadness approaches.

I know I have one more month of baseball --and it should prove to be the most exciting baseball of the season, but 'my' Indians will not be part of it.

This is the time of the year when I don't get too down because I know once the World Series ends, we have the holidays, and then January to catch up and get everything done before Spring Training revs up. Yes, I said it. January is my 'get into gear baby' because pitchers and catchers report mid February! Whew hoo!

Fitting and wild that the final home game turned into a traditional double header.

The weather was beautiful --no coat, nothing needed!

I hit both games my friends and they were magnificent.

I've seen a bunch of firsts this week including Luke Carlin's 1st homer as an Indian and Vinnie Pestano's 1st MLB save.

But toward the middle of the 2nd game, it all started hitting me. I went through this entire season without Mom physically sitting next to me, though I know she was there.

I so miss her expertise on the game, her love of this national pastime, her pride in Cleveland and her Cleveland Indians, and the 'queen' of Jacob's Field.

I've worn her baseball jacket all week. I have not needed it until now and it was perfect.

I could not get through this night without shedding many tears.

As I glanced around the ballpark and realized that this IS my home away from home with so many memories throughout my entire lifetime....I would have a huge void in my life without baseball and 'my' Cleveland Indians.

I was surrounded by friends. At the beginning of the 2nd game, I ran into a family I'd known almost my entire life and ironically they were just one row over from me.

Even people I did not know --being in the ballpark for the last 6-7 hours, we all bonded.

My usher, Bob and his wife were on hand.

And true fans who just loved the game of baseball and could not pass up seeing the final game, though there was nothing at stake!

Even better, when the Tribe did something extraordinary, I got a text from a great friend of mine, Marc, who shares my love of the game. He made me laugh so many times during the game when I really felt like crying.

At the final out, the flood gates opened.

Everything that had built up over the last 162 games and the last 11 months since Mom has been gone came out in full force and I could not stop crying. The Indians won. It was an exciting season for the true fan. I went through the entire season Mom-less. I would miss my guys over the next 4 months....and so many other thoughts and emotions were slamming together.

Karen, my usher's wife, saw my disposition and ran down to give me a huge hug.

THAT my friends is how lucky Mom and I have been over the years. Baseball, win or lose, has only had positive effects on our lives, has given us very good friends, and has allowed us to make countless memories for the rest of our lives.

I really lost it when the entire team ran out with bags of signed baseballs and started tossing them to the fans who went the distance with them....waving....signing autographs.

Chris Perez, who just had a little baby, closed out the final game. He was the post game interview guest.

After his interview, he got his bag of autographed baseballs, and passed them out to the fans. He was the lone player left on the field yet so appreciative of the fans thanking HIM for a great year that he signed autographs for countless fans until they started turning the ballpark lights out.

I finally had to tear myself away from the ballpark knowing that soon enough, I'd be back, and so would my guardian angel.

I mask it well

Remember how I said there are some things I retain...and other things I soon forget. No rhyme or reason, and at times I astound myself at the useless items stored in my brain!

Overall, I've had a pretty amazing summer.

Yet there have been times when I was a basket case, and thankfully, I have the gift of masking it very well.

For instance, I can pull July 13th from my brain as a defining moment where I started losing ground. I had just returned from a very emotional vacation in Tampa on many fronts, one of them being 'The Decision.' I get home expecting to spend a nice evening with a very good friend, who totally blows me off.

The friend I just left in Tampa sensed I was on the edge and after not speaking for at least 12 days, told me, "I wanted to give you your space."

Oh, that is one of my pet peeves: people 'thinking' they know what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling, what will make me happy, and not asking the source what she needs!

Fast forward to this week. I am still a mess. My best friend in the whole wide world is in town but can not really see me for a number of reasons. First and foremost, he's in town to see his elderly Mom. I get it. I told him, "1 year ago my Mom was alive and now she is not. Cherish your parents and elderly relatives." But then I said, ya know, age is not the defining factor. You should handle every single friendship/relationship as if you will not see that person again.

Live every single day like it's your last.

This past Tuesday --another defining moment.

I was a mess. For whatever reason, I kept thinking of Mom.....I missed not seeing my best friend....and I had not heard from another dear friend of mine. Baseball season's winding down and I so wish my Mom could have experienced the fun season I've had 'til now. I cried driving to work. I almost cried at work. I balled my eyes out driving home. I texted my best friend and left him a voice mail which never even got answered until almost 24 hours later.

My best friend is not 2000 miles away --he's here. And he can not call me, text me, or rush over after I tell him I can not stop crying.

I was even further down the well after his behavior.

I have people tossing advice my way left and right. Thank you but no. I refuse to let anyone tell me how to feel. I refuse to suppress feelings. I refuse to avoid places, people, or memories just because they may remind me of Mom. I will continue living. If along the way, a sad moment pops up, I'll deal with it. But I will not let anyone, anything, or any possible memory of Mom sway me from being me and living the way I want to live.

Mom's 'Labor' of love

Though this weekend has always brought bittersweet feelings for me, it surely has been one of Mom's favorite weekends through the years.

For me, Labor Day weekend brought an end to summer, school back in session, baseball season nearing it's final out, and wearing winter clothes again...though I adore the Jerry Lewis Telethon and would stay up all night long to watch the entire show (still do!).

Mom loved the planes. Since she was a small girl and her Dad took her to the air races at Hopkins Airport, she's loved the planes. She wanted to parachute from a plane and be a pilot. I'm sure up in Heaven, she's tried both!

Having her baby brother as a big wig in the Air Force brought her great joy as well bringing her love of airplanes and her country together in perfect harmony.

So come Labor Day Weekend, Mom was in her glory. If the Indians were in town, we'd be at the games and watch the planes buzzing. What a hoot watching the ballplayers eye the planes above rather than the balls flying around or get spooked and caught off guard when a surprise attack forced miscues on the field or in the batter's box.

With my job downtown, we've been very fortunate to be able to have the best seats in the house to watch the air show year after year.

We never missed a show.

Until this year, as a team. The dynamic duo which we were. I know Mom was watching from above. And I was fortunate to have to work Labor Day and then zoom up to the roof to join my family to watch the festivities!

It's amazing sometimes what I remember and what I don't. I remember exactly what Mom and I were doing last Labor Day. I won't lie. It was a hard one. Mom had dialysis but we still made the Indians' Game. We also did not miss the Air Show.

This weekend was especially bittersweet for all the same reasons and one bigger looming reason. I never dwell on the past. I never sit around moping about Mom. I am so proud that I have continued living, I've not skipped a beat, and carried on just as Mom would have wanted me. I inherited Mom's zest for life. She loved life and lived it 'til her very last breath. But I won't lie. When I do something for the first time without Mom, it's sad and makes my insides hurt like you would not believe.

And having people tell to move on, not remember, or other ridiculous advice I continuously get day after day just makes me outright angry.

This Labor Day I was fortunate to spend a lot of the weekend with my family, which was very nice.

I also attended the Train Concert, which would have been much better if my best friend would have been in town from FLA...but he was not. I could not pass up the chance to see one of my favorite groups, and they did not disappoint. It's amazing what a few cocktails can get you through time and time again!

Overall, an ok weekend. I'm sensing the next few months will be more difficult than the summer has been in light of the upcoming anniversary. But, I will press on and live the way Mom lived, loved, and do what she would have wanted me to do to be happy!

Make time for special people

One never knows how a day will unfold, and that's what makes life so extraordinary.

Yesterday while working out I get a text from a VERY dear friend asking if I am working? Fortunately, I was and got a chance to see my 'sister!' Yea, I luv ya Monina!

Then what began as getting an oil change and light fixed the next day turned into one of the best days!

I always go back out to my dealership in Portage County for my oil changes because they are wonderful people....I take them treats....and then I pop into see the guy who sold me my car and take him treats as well!


Plus, the drive quite relaxing with the wind blowing through my hair jamming to my favorite tunes --flavor of the week this week: Train!


For the 1st time ever, they were really backlogged so I had to wait 1.5 hours. No worries.


I said my prayers, I relaxed, I chatted on the phone and sent a few texts.


Funny thing happened--the shop was so full I opted to read outside. As I was getting up from the concrete parking barrier, my white flip flop broke! Oh no, think fast, what to do?


Well, I did have 2 more pairs of shoes in my car --which was getting worked on.


How in the heck was I to get to the service desk without going totally barefoot and seeming very back country-ish?


Well, thinking 'what would Mom do?' I rifled through my purse and got out anything sticky!


Just before I was to go into the dealership again, I used some sticky female items to tack down my foot to the shoe as well as a few sticks of gum.....


Though it did not work as well as I'd hoped --it did the trick until I could get back to my finished car and swap flip flops!



What a funny situation. Loved it!


After my car was finished I spent much needed quality time with two people who mean much to me.



I did visit Kenny for a few minutes before I left the dealership....he said my beautiful eyes looked happy....he knows Mom and knows all I've been through over the last 17 months. He was so thrilled to see me (as I him) and was happy that I was progressing after our barage of tragedies.


The day only got better.....I was fortunate to visit with a very dear friend of mine who I have been playing 'tag' with --unable to get together. A weight lifted off my shoulders as I spent quality time with him, his dogs, and really spoke in person. No texts. No chats. No email. Person to person next to each other. It felt sooooo good. I really missed him.





His dogs love me --but what's not to like?!!!!!

I got some 'wild friends'

My whirlwind year continues as I re-trace some of my steps, yet they are minus my best friend, Mom.

One year ago, Mom and I attended an Indians' game and after the game had tickets for the 'Indians at the Zoo' event. We were both kind of tired but loved our Indians as well as the zoo.

So we headed over to the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo after the Tribe game for a night of not sure what to expect! I told Mom I could push her around in her wheelchair and she'd be fine. She was worried that I would get very tired pushing her around but did not realize it was my honor and pleasure!

We had a blast! Oh my gosh. Last year's event consisted of a nice dinner in the food pavilion of ballpark fare....then the entire team was set up a various stations around the zoo.

Last year we got some pretty good folks including Choo, Huff, Garko, etc., and I tried taking pictures of these guys as well.

Mom and I told each other --'we don't know if the Indians will do this next year so let's take advantage of it.' Little did we know at the time that Mom would NOT be here this year. A perfect example NOT to pass anything up that is very important to me. I have tried ever since that day and moreso after Mom passed away to live each day as if it were my last.

So when this year's event came along --I could not pass it up knowing full well it would be quite bittersweet.

My family was fortunate to enjoy the Strasburg game from a suite.....that was awesome. The entire family gathered together enjoying each other, a beautiful day, and our Cleveland Indians. We must have done something right!

After the game, flew to the zoo flying solo. Did not matter --I had SOOOOOO much fun! Oh my. Not only did I get so many great autographs and pictures but it was just a lovely night. I am a HUGE fan of the zoo and go every year.

What would have made it perfect --having Mom there or having the man of my dreams there (hmmm, which one would that be these days? There really are soooo many!) Then I look back and say, I had almost 30 of the men of my dreams at various stations around the grounds! Not complaining!

I can not even start with the highlights. Frank Hermann is such a sweetheart and so kind and pleasant with the most beautiful eyes. Carlos Santana signing autographs as he speaks on his cell phone in Spanish. Justin Masterson was asking the little kids for their autographs and Mitch Talbott was telling the little tykes how their autographs were so much more valuable than his!

When I got to the table to Mike Redmond, veteran catcher, and Shelley Duncan, OF-1B, I got flustered! I never even got a picture of them (and they are both so cute!)....but Mom must have been channelling inside of me because I did muster up enough gumption to tell Shelley that when I was 16, his father Dave sent me a sweet 16 birthday card! There were people coming in behind me so I did not even give him the overview of how that whole thing transpired but will write him a letter with the background! I'm telling you, they both flustered me! None of the other guys did that??? However, his reaction was great. He said, 'That's very cool!" And I totally agreed!

Russell the muscle Branyan had his cute little boy with him ...and all the Moms were asking if he was signing autographs....

And the cutest little boy replayed the night when Luis Val Buena hit a home run to win the game for the Tribe. Luis was extremely impressed with this little boy who could not have been more than 6 years old!

I was thrilled to talk to and get a picture of little Jason Donald --mark my words, he WILL be a great shortstop--2nd basemen for the Cleveland Indians!

I could not get the smile off of my face --but that is a daily occurrence in my life these days.

Immediately following the event, I could not wait to call my friend Matt and give him the play by play, especially about Branyan. Matt's always kidding me about #33's strikeout ratio!

It will be hard to top the 1st 2 days of my vacation...but I'm sensing I'll give it a good fight.....especially since my best friend is in town, Indians are in town, NBA playoffs continue and the weather is supposed to be just splendid!

Pinch me!

Unraveling more and more each day

The snow never stopped in February carrying over into March. It came down and continued piling up.

And then it seemed as if, within days, we had temperatures of 76 degrees!

When the big thaw came, it uncovered many casualties of winter: cracked asphalt, vehicle tracks on the grass, salt-stained driveways, mowed over plants, the missing stick which guides the plow guy, and this uniquely crafted bird nest which had fallen from its perch atop the gutter plummeting down to its earthly resting place.

This nest had been a fixture atop the side door for at least 2 years if not longer.

Everyday we'd look up there to see if there were any signs of life. Some days yes, some days we could not see anything but we could hear the beautiful songs coming from the residents.


When I first saw the bird nest just laying there, my heart broke for the family living inside. I checked to see if there were any eggs, any birds which had taken their tumble with it.

Thankfully, nothing.

Mom always taught me never to get too close to a nest, or any 'house' an animal concocted for you never know what diseases linger inside.

However, I could not stay too far away marveling at the precise handy work by these creatures of God.

Each twig intertwined one by one. When all is said and done, there must be hundreds interwoven together.

This is one of those miracles which would make Mom say, "this is a true sign there is a God" or "for those people who don't believe in God, all they have to do is open there eyes and take a look at this miracle!"


Then my next thought went to my life these days.

It's rough. Each day is a struggle where I feel like my life is unraveling faster and faster, just like this bird's nest.

But, I am Marianne's daughter. I'm never down for long, especially since Mom and God lift me up every single day.

It's A-M-A-Z-I-N-G the signs they give me to carry on and to show me that they ARE the other set of footprints in the sand.

I take a deep breath and marvel at what I accomplish each day. Getting there may be chaotic but I always make it to the finish line.

Completing each hour may appear impossible. When it's one of those days where I don't even get into the shower until 8 minutes before I am supposed to leave for work .....or I am so overwhelmed by my long to-do list that I roll over when the alarm goes off and sleep until 55 minutes before I have to leave for work, it's a wonder I get anything done.


It was not always like this. And this is NOT me. In fact, when I was describing this to my best friend in Tampa, he was speechless. I thought I had put him to sleep. Finally, he snapped out of his coma and said to me, "Snap out of it! This is not you. You were the one who had every second of every day planned out in Key West! The one who never needs any sleep. That's the girl we need back!"


I think I've moved into the next phase of grieving where at first, I was crying everyday, but now I feel so overwhelmed, I can not deal with life and retreat.


Once I get up and moving, I DO! I conquer everything and complete great feats, though maybe a little rushed. And when I see the mountains I've moved in the course of the day, I am proud of who I am, of where I came, thankful to God from the bottom of my heart, and energized NOT to give up. I definitely can not get through the day without Mom and without God.

I really don't know why I am still here, but I know God is in charge and has a plan for all of us so I have to keep plugging along and never dispute Jesus Christ.

Mass was very difficult today. Father announced that one of Mom's dear friends had passed away. She was 95, soon to be 96, but she was a fireball. The first vision that came to my head was Mom and Aunt Lucy greeting her at the pearly gates. I'm sure they did. They were all such good friends.

But, it brought me down. And the flood gates opened at Church again but I had to sing. And, that's my first example of how Mom and God are there for me. When I am set to sing, I do it.

What happened next, as usual Jesus brought me right back up.

Two songs particularly brought me back to life.

Words from 'There is a Balm in Gilead':
There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole
There is a balm in Gilead to heal the sin sick soul
Sometimes I feel discouraged and think my work's in vain
But then the Holy Spirit revives my soul again

Don't ever feel discouraged for Jesus is your friend
And if you lack for knowledge, he'll ne'er refuse to lend.


Then we sang 'The Glory of These Forty Days' which really brought me back:
So Daniel trained his mystic sight, delivered from the lion's might


Every day, God delivers me from the lion's might and saves me! I can't let God or Mom down, ever!


At the end of the day, though the newspapers are in a huge mound in my living room from November, 1/2 of them unopened....the mail tossed in one huge pile while the recyclables tossed in another strategically placed circle on the floor.....no clean clothes to speak of and dirty ones strewn about.....shoes dotting the carpet wherever I felt like kicking them off......and my to-do list continues to grow....at the end of the day, I have MADE it to the end of the day with help from my guardian angels.


And, I vow to never give up or completely let my nest unravel.

The 'firsts' continue

I don't dwell on things since Mom's death but many 'things' just crop into my life.

I knew that each day was going to consist of many 'firsts.'

Well, here's another one.

I was asked to drive one of our visiting priests to another church for a mass he was saying. Gladly!

It not only gave me a chance to get to know him better, do a good deed, but attend morning mass to start the day off properly. And it did! What a wonderful way to begin the day but with the Lord.

I wound up driving past the dialysis center Mom used to attend 3 times a week. This is the 1st time I've been back over there since Mom died.

An eye opener in many respects. Not only just being over there, but Mom and I would keep tabs on the landmarks on either side of the CDC. On the right, condos were going up. Well, they are now up. I can hear what Mom would be saying right now!

To the left, a new Speech and Hearing Center, which took the longest time to come to fruition. We'd drive by each day and Mom would comment on each little new nuance! One day we actually saw people inside and she was overjoyed. Now, it is totally complete.

It's hard to explain to another soul what I am going through. I know there are many other people on this earth who also lost Mom and I do not doubt they are grieving horribly. Every single day people I see from our church, our neighborhood and even my work tell me how much they miss Mom. But there was no one in this world who loved Mom more, spent as much time with her, and now, is just trying to get through each day and piece together a life left behind.

Spring Training has arrived!

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

You have no idea how I've longed for this day!

I have learned since Mom is gone that I really LOVE the game of baseball and my Cleveland Indians.

I got that from Mom.

I could not wait for this day to come.

It's like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders and all is right with the world.

I have been a lost soul and so unfocused.

It may not appear that way on the outside but that's the mess on the inside.

And within the last 2 weeks I've had 2 cataclysmic events help me focus: The Season of Lent and Spring Training.

I desperately need to accomplish at least 57 tasks on my 'to do' list. Oh, there are more but I'll break out in hives if I go any higher than that number!

And, with these two seasons coinciding, I believe I've gotten the boost necessary to tackle the world!

Namesake

When I heard the Ash Wednesday readings, I felt rejuvenated and full of life.

I can conquer anything, even if it's hard.

And I know there will be trials and tribulations every single day of my life.

But as Father was reading the scriptures, and told the story of Daniel and the Lion's Den, this feeling of hope, being a warrior and a survivor overtook me.

It really was like I was having an out of body experience. The light bulb went on and I did not feel so alone.

Daniel's quite the inspiration for me and somehow I have a feeling I will be counting on and bothering him not just through Lent but for the rest of my life!

I really do feel like Daniel on a daily basis. Daniel's faith, honesty, and hard work caused many to outright and despise him. Even when he was closed in the lion's den, he had faith that God would take care of him, and God did!

When morning came, no scratches on Daniel. He was still alive. Daniel trusted God and God save him.

The translation for Danielle is 'God is my judge.'

God and only God is my judge. It does not matter what anyone else says, thinks or says about me. I will only follow God.


I know the name Mom wanted to give me. It was overused and being gobbled up by everyone having a baby in the 60's. I am grateful. I love my name, and more importantly, who else shares it and where it originates.

Thank you Mom!

Ash Wednesday 2010

Little black book from the Diocese of Saginaw, Inc. --CHECK

Daily reflection--The Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception --CHECK

Rosary --CHECK

Mass and Ashes --CHECK

Willing Spirit --CHECK

Good intentions --CHECK

To-Do List as long as I am tall --CHECK

Now, I just need my guardian angels, the good Lord above, and the energy, persistence, patience, strength, perseverance, and a swift kick in the butt to pull it all together over the next 46 days!

I really do not want to look back, like I have so many other years, and say --'what have I done?' And put up the big goose egg.

But, I can not do this alone....please help me Mom! I need you more than ever!!!!

Girls' afternoon out

I can't remember the last time I had one of these?

It's the 21st century! I received a text message last night while I was at church asking what I was doing today.

Well, it's Sunday. I was singing at all the Masses and then trying to get myself out of the tailspin I've been in since before Mom passed away.

Not doing very well with her death. I guess I am doing better than others who have lost a loved one, but honestly, I put on a good front. When I am alone, I am a mess.

I have learned NOT to beat myself up. It's been less than 3 months since Mom passed away and I have a feeling I have a lot more grieving to do. I've not even begun going through Mom's things and will not be doing that for a while. I can bearly get up in the morning. So I am cutting myself some slack.

I decided to meet 2 very good friends for a late lunch. We've all lost people recently. Mo just lost her Mom about a month after Mom died and Q lost her grandmother.

It was nice getting out, with dear female friends, and talking.

When people ask me how I am, I hesitate telling them to full truth, but we did touch on some personal issues, 'girlie' topics, and enjoyed some reassuring conversation.

All in all a very nice time had by all.....got home with time to spare to get my groove on for the Grammy Awards.

Another bitter sweet night --Mom and I always watched the Grammy's. My Mom was one of THE coolest, THE hippest chicks in the world. Last year she just loved watching the lead singer from Cold Play in his sockless shoes and tight-tight shirt!

Every minute of every day will continue being a struggle.....I just hope I can endure.