I mask it well

Remember how I said there are some things I retain...and other things I soon forget. No rhyme or reason, and at times I astound myself at the useless items stored in my brain!

Overall, I've had a pretty amazing summer.

Yet there have been times when I was a basket case, and thankfully, I have the gift of masking it very well.

For instance, I can pull July 13th from my brain as a defining moment where I started losing ground. I had just returned from a very emotional vacation in Tampa on many fronts, one of them being 'The Decision.' I get home expecting to spend a nice evening with a very good friend, who totally blows me off.

The friend I just left in Tampa sensed I was on the edge and after not speaking for at least 12 days, told me, "I wanted to give you your space."

Oh, that is one of my pet peeves: people 'thinking' they know what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling, what will make me happy, and not asking the source what she needs!

Fast forward to this week. I am still a mess. My best friend in the whole wide world is in town but can not really see me for a number of reasons. First and foremost, he's in town to see his elderly Mom. I get it. I told him, "1 year ago my Mom was alive and now she is not. Cherish your parents and elderly relatives." But then I said, ya know, age is not the defining factor. You should handle every single friendship/relationship as if you will not see that person again.

Live every single day like it's your last.

This past Tuesday --another defining moment.

I was a mess. For whatever reason, I kept thinking of Mom.....I missed not seeing my best friend....and I had not heard from another dear friend of mine. Baseball season's winding down and I so wish my Mom could have experienced the fun season I've had 'til now. I cried driving to work. I almost cried at work. I balled my eyes out driving home. I texted my best friend and left him a voice mail which never even got answered until almost 24 hours later.

My best friend is not 2000 miles away --he's here. And he can not call me, text me, or rush over after I tell him I can not stop crying.

I was even further down the well after his behavior.

I have people tossing advice my way left and right. Thank you but no. I refuse to let anyone tell me how to feel. I refuse to suppress feelings. I refuse to avoid places, people, or memories just because they may remind me of Mom. I will continue living. If along the way, a sad moment pops up, I'll deal with it. But I will not let anyone, anything, or any possible memory of Mom sway me from being me and living the way I want to live.