Mom, I'll miss you until I see you again

It's been a long time since I posted an entry in this blog just as it seems like an eternity since I've held your hand, heard you tell me I'm simply perfect, seen that beautiful smile of yours, and heard you say, 'Go Tribe' and 'God is good.'

Mother's Day 2012 seemed like the perfect time to share my feelings with my readers, Mom, on how I've not come to grips with you leaving, but will never give up hope.

I know you are healthy and whole.  I know your journey came to an end and you arrived at your final destination, God's house.  I understand you are so happy to be with family members that have gone before you, and being Heaven, are shielded from sadness.  You know for a fact that one day we will reunite giving you hope, not despair.  I believe the way this played out and continues unfolding is all part of God's master plan and the way it is supposed to be.

I can't deny my feelings though I am ecstatic that you are where you've worked your entire life to be.  I still grieve every single day.  It's not gotten better.  To me, it seems as if it's gotten worse.  2012 has been a train wreck.  I'm not me.  I'm some unorganized, chaotic being who just tries to get through each day successfully, let alone even thinking about how to get ahead or plan for any type of future.  It's hard getting up in the morning.  All I have the energy to do is the basics, get up, get dressed, try to pay the bills and go to work.  Repeat.

When you left Mom, I lost my best friend.  My BFF who never left my side:  baseball games to concerts to dinners to hearing me sing at church to pretty much anything and everything.  Since you, there's not been another BFF.  When I lost you, I lost the only person who really needed me.  It's an awful feeling not being needed anymore.  I step back and try convincing myself, that too, may all be part of God's plan.  Being a single female is quite challenging.  My married friends don't have time for me.  My single friends with boyfriends and girlfriends are otherwise preoccupied.  I can't tell you how many times over the last 4 months I've been told, "You intimidate men," or "You're so strong and independent, you chase men away," or "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend right now."   I'm anything but strong but people can believe what they want to believe.

Don't worry Mom.  Each day that goes by I strive harder to be just like you & make you proud.  I will never give up.  I find myself saying things or doing things that you did.  I stop in my tracks and look up to Heaven thanking you and winking at God for keeping your memory alive.

I'm the glass full girl working hard to get out of my tailspin.  I believe, as you instilled in me, that God always provides.  We need not worry about tomorrow or issues out of our control.  Put all of our worries and problems in God's hands.  I believe so much and give great advice.  Sometimes I just have to convince myself of that advice & of my beliefs when it appears my requests fall on deaf ears.

Following in your footsteps, even thru grief, I can never say, will never say, "I'm having a bad day, week or year."  That phrase has been banned from my vocabulary.  I see God's daily miracles which allow me to have highs & lows each day, good moments and bad moments but NEVER full fledged bad days.  Life is too short to dwell on the negative for long.  God is good.  When I'm down in the dumps, someone or something comes along to brighten my spirit, usually my (and your) Cleveland Indians!  Or it could be seeing your trademark rainbow, a lovely sunset, an unexpected text or new friend on Twitter.   The list is endless and constantly surprising at how you & God send me signs that everything will be ok.

Just because someone grieves does not mean they do not enjoy life or realize the greatness of God.  I refuse to sweep my grief and bad moments under the carpet.  That would be unhealthy, stupid, and deceitful to myself & my friends.  You taught me to live each day as if my last.  I do.

I'm simply amazed at how you continue helping me in death, being there for me in death as you were in life.  Honestly Mom, you in death have been there for me more than I'd say 96% of the people in my life.  Every single day you teach me something new.  The light bulb goes off over my head as to why you used to do something or believed an edict.  If I can't find something, you help me locate it.  If I'm doing something ridiculous like having every light blaring in the house, I hear your voice saying, 'please turn off the lights you don't need' just as you did in person.   When I look in the mirror and have dressed in an outfit that needs pressing, I either change it or press it --something I never would have done before.  Everything I've attempted to cook or bake of yours has come out just as you made it.  Now THAT in itself is a miracle!

Mom, there are so many good people who continue supporting me, because they respected you.  I know that but I can't help feeling alone at times.  When you died, besides our immediate family, NO ONE visited me for nearly seven months.  No one dropped off casseroles or checked in on me periodically.  I appeared to be an afterthought when others were bored and had absolutely nothing else on their agenda.  Maybe they all thought I had a plethora of support?  It was awful and unfortunately a memory I will never ever forget.

But, just because during those seven months it seemed as if no one cared, I knew I had you and God, our family, and most importantly, ME!   You always said, 'You and I are fighters and survivors, Babe.'  I will never forget that.  I AM a fighter.  I get that from you and knowing I still have you by my side, I am fearless.  "I believe, I believe, I believe."


I must apologize, not necessarily to you Mom, but to everyone else.  I am broken and far from being whole.  Because of that, I find I can not help those family members and friends who may need my assistance.  I can barely help myself let alone be there for anyone else.  I know there are countless others grieving your loss.  It's not just me.   And over the last 30 months, I've witnessed so many others around me endure heartbreak, death, injury, defining moments.  I've tried very hard to be there for many of them but I feel like I've fallen short in many respects.  It's an awful, helpless feeling being so frazzled myself that I can not extend my hand to others --which is what you always taught me to do.  Maybe that's part of the reason they've not been there for me.   I'm working in the 'airplane oxygen mode' right now.  I'm trying very hard to take care of myself, place the oxygen mask on me first and then help those around me who are in need of assistance. 


Mom, what will never change is how much I love you, how much I miss you, and how I know you are constantly by my side, no matter who else may or may not be there.  I believe if I keep the faith, never give up, and follow in God's and your footsteps, I can make no wrong turns.  I eventually will get out of this dead end maze I feel I'm lost inside.  I am still the glass full girl who has a lovely life.  All I can do right now is get up, thank God for allowing me another day, live that day to the fullest, believe, never lose hope, pray, talk to you, and ask myself, "What would Mom have done?"  

Can't go wrong with that attitude & vision because 'God IS good' and so are you Mom!

I love you MORE, a million bazillion times MORE!   xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

No feeling either way

Thank goodness January is finally over.

I am the first person who says 'don't rush life' and 'savor every single second.'

I mean it, except for January 2011. Oh, it had some great moments, trust me. Actually had lots of wonderful moments! I guess I am being melodramatic. No, not me!

And the old addage, be careful what you wish for could come into play. Only God knows what's in store for the rest of 2011. Maybe it will be 10x worse than January? Or maybe a wonderful fantasy?

Thankfully my sister is feeling much better. That's a win.

I can definitely tell that I am a woman in her 'blankety blank' by the crazy happenings going on...and that's ok too. Keeps me on my toes...

Then there were not so memorable moments....and we all go through them. What keeps me strong is that Mom experienced every challenge tossed my way during this still young year. She survived. In fact she triumphed. The bad news is I don't have Mom in person to help me solve these problems. She was my rock, my savior. I just have to pray more to read the signs God may be sending. God (and Mom) will surely guide me.


The irony of it all. Two situations arose having complete opposite reactions.

The first one reminds me of the line from 'Broadcast News.' William Hurt says something like, "I feel bad that I don't feel worse."

Well, someone from my far away past who withdrew himself a long time ago revealed that he is ill and has cancer.

Honestly, I felt bad that I did not feel worse. Heck, I felt bad that I felt absolutely NOTHING. I felt sorry for him because you never want anyone to be sick. And then a little anger bubbled up that he's only brought grief into my life, and now, the possibility of passing on a deadly disease. Moving on. Went back to feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing.


The other situation evokes more emotion than I ever imagined. I have a friend who helped me immensely after Mom passed away. I thought we'd be forever friends. It seems that friendship has stalled. But I really don't know. It could be a misunderstanding on my part as I often jump to conclusions. I feel helpless and just want to scream at the top of my lungs to get it back. I'd love to be able to reach him and see where we stand. It really means a lot to me.


Only God knows what will happen....being a finite human being, I really hope he brings my friend back to me. But I wonder, maybe God put him into my life for that small stretch to get me through. I'm very selfish. I want it all and want it forever! Again, must keep the faith and see where God takes me.


Thankfully, I had a dental appointment this week. My dental hygienist, who is also a friend, had no idea what she was in for when she asked that common question, "how are you doing?" She's a gem as she doubles as my therapist! Thank you Fran!

As you can see, I'm just glad January is over hoping that February through December brings so many more blessings than demons.

What does God have in store for 2011?

Looking back at 2010 still amazes me. Never in a million years did I ever imagine more than half of the shenanigans dancing into my life.

2010 was a mixture of still grieving Mom immensely, which unfortunately will be the lot for the rest of my life....intermixed with more sadness as Uncle Bill passed away....however, as Mom echoes in my head daily, God is good.

God and Mom brought me much happiness from my family and friends, especially old friends who re-entered my life.

My trip to the OBX with my best college friends reassured me that I am loved and am not alone in this world. Definitely just what the doctor ordered, though the wild horses eluded us :(

Uncle Bill actually waited for me to come home before passing away....the day I arrived home and visited him with the hummingbird wind chime I brought home, he knew who I was, got that great smile he always made and thanked me for his gift. I miss him so, but I'm sure nothing compared to how much Auntie misses him.

After handling Mom's funeral just 6 months before, when he passed, my family was great in swinging into action to handle everything for Auntie. Being friends with the funeral director, I immediately called Kevin on his cell phone and set the wheels in motion. Such a wonderful time looking through old pictures as we put picture walls together. Though a sad time, it brought about tons of laughter, which is one of the greatest gifts Uncle Bill always shared with us.

The day of Uncle Bill's funeral, I left the church and saw everyone weeping pointing at the hearse. I couldn't even imagine. As I got closer I realized everyone was half laughing, half crying as a squirrel danced around under the hearse. Uncle Bill always fed the birds and squirrels and this truly was a sign that he was there and would be there with us forever. Even today, as I walk to and from church, I see that same crazy squirrel (Uncle Bill) taunting me!

Cleveland Indians' baseball played a huge role--really saving me on those days I didn't want to be here. I know it's hard for people who don't like baseball to comprehend how I feel about this sport, and more importantly Cleveland Indians' baseball. It's a part of me, my life. My guys pulled me out from the bottom of the well time and time again. Without baseball, I'd be a vine that shrivels up and dies. I guess it is an expensive habit, but seeing it's really the only thing I do, and how it saved my life in 2010, it's well worth the cost. A habit I am not ready to give up. Baseball allowed me to visit my best friend in Tampa, Florida and share a day of baseball with our entire family and close friends in a loge at Progressive Field. When I think back at what makes me who I am and what brings tears of joy to my eyes--family, close friends, singing, and Cleveland Indians' baseball. And when family & friends are intertwined with Cleveland Indians baseball, I'm walking on air!

I re-connected with grade school friends, who once again, gave me a reason to continue onward..... I can not even put into words how Susie, Sheila, Teresa, Johnny, and Sal brought me back to my roots and made me remember what is truly important in life. They were excited to see me and liked me for me--not who I've become, what I do, who I know, what kind of car I drive or even how many pounds I've packed on since our grade school days. I will be ever indebted to all of their friendships and how they grasped me out of oblivion.

What's even more chilling--the wonderful stories every single friend of mine has about my Mom. I never knew that she touched so many people's lives, but she did making me love her even more, if that's even possible, and really giving me the oomph to try and emulate her as much as I can.

There is one friend in particular who really brought me back to life. I always think of the line in "While you were sleeping" which says 'I may have saved your life that day, but you really saved mine....' and that is exactly the way I feel about this wonderful human being. They finally energized me to take down my Christmas decorations May 16, 2010 and start living again....

The summer was magical and nothing I'd ever imagined.....the entire year really one big fantasy dream....

The people I re-connected with and have been able to keep in touch with mind blowing.

I still can not even believe I made a 2nd trip to Tampa to visit my friend Craig but also see the Cleveland Browns' away opener.

An emotional time for me (well, honestly, when wasn't I emotional in 2010?) was Mom's birthday. I remember it as if it were yesterday. My schedule had changed at work for a few days...and when I was not at work I was glued to the television watching the Chilean Miners being rescued --on Mom's birthday. Call me crazy, but I honestly believe Mom had something to do with that miracle. I never put anything past my Mother.

When my family gathered for the 1 year anniversary of Mom's death, she did it to us again. As we sat in Trattoria in Little Italy, a rainbow sat right above our restaurant and the text messages started coming in from friends saying Mom was talking to us all. Thank you Mom!

Winding up the year, yet more baseball stuff as I hit SnowDays and had the most amazing time in my home away from home! I can not believe I had the guts to go down the Batterhorn twice and then skated for the next 3 hours. Again, when baseball, family, and my best friends are involved, I'm happiest.

Mom would always say "God is good." As well as: live life to the fullest....don't worry about what you have no control over....God will always provide.....

Being me, I'm trying to figure out what will happen in 2011 and doubting that it could ever top 2010. But Mom brings me back. I have no clue what God has in store for me or any of us....but you can be sure, it will be one hell of an adventure. And if I put total trust in Him, live life to the fullest following in God and Mom's footsteps, not only will it be as good as 2010 but surpass it at warped speed!

Gotta have faith --in God, humankind, yourself

Mom would razz me because I always saw the good in everyone, but at the same time so proud because she passed on and taught us all that particular character flaw.

There were 3 boys in grade school who were, let's say, mischievous. Yes, that's it. Ok, at times they were downright bad.

However, they were always very nice to me and never wanted anything from me in return (no cheating on tests, nothing like that). I was not intimidated by their antics nor juvenile delinquent acts.

I was always willing to help them and lend a hand. Others in class were amazed that I was not afraid of the terrible three.

I wasn't. In fact, there was one I was kinda sweet on in the second grade. He was cute! (Ha ha, just imagine a 2nd year old saying that--'he's cuuuuuute!')

As they got older their misdemeanor acts turned to felonies, yet I still kept the faith.

1 of them is a great guy. 1 of them I lost touch with, and unfortunately, the third one's history caught up with him and he is no longer with us.

I never ever lost faith in the trio.

Saturday's "Heroes for Northeast Ohio" brought back my faith in humankind (or at least a little of it for a smidge of time). I worked the food drive from a little after it began until the very end.

As usual Northeast Ohio came through again, as they always do. I worked the Bainbridge/Aurora site. The amount of food, coats, clothes, toys, and money gathered during that 6 hour span unbelievable.

First of all, the volunteers who gave of their time spectacular.

Small children walking up literally giving the coat off their back....parents going inside Wal Mart and coming out with bags of items to donate.

The stream of givers constant.

Cars driving up with dozens of coats and bags full of toys for those who have nothing.

I know humans have it in them. Sometimes it's hard for them to pull the trigger, especially if their life is rough. But in the end, usually human kind comes through and does the right thing.

I never really give up on humankind, though at times, certain individuals disappoint.

And again, the constant thread through my entire life: Mom. Mom always taught from the very beginning, "God is good." "Keep the faith." "Never lose faith, especially in God, yourself, others."

And as usual, Mom was right. Let's face it, my Mother was never wrong. Even though we are approaching the one year anniversary of her death, she teaches me a lesson every day and STILL is correct.

As you all know, Mom and I are the biggest Cleveland Indians' fans...all Cleveland, all sports really. Mom NEVER gave up on the Tribe, the Cavs, or the Browns.

As I took in God's warm sunshine Sunday during the Cleveland Browns' game in near 80 degree temperatures, I heard Mom saying 'keep the faith. The Browns WILL pull through and win this game.' And son of a gun, they beat the World Champion New Orleans Saints.

We have and will continue getting mocked, especially when it comes to our sports teams. But, I will NEVER ever give up. I believe and will always believe in the heart and soul of Cleveland Sports.

My hardest task is keeping the faith in myself. I second guess myself all the time. I disappoint myself constantly. I fall short of my goals and expectations and beat myself up worse than anyone. When others treat me like dirt, ignore me, or don't make me a priority, I think that's how I should treat myself. Well, it's not. I need to work on loving myself like God loves me. If others who I hold in very high esteem disappoint, let me down, sadden me, even to the point of tears, I have to shake it off and look within. I need to realize God made me and he did not make S _ _ T! I have to pray to God and ask him for the strength and the faith to endure others' human frailties.

As Mom always said, 'gotta keep the faith Babe!'

Felt like the super model who never got asked to the Prom

No, I don't see myself as a super model. But I do have many of those extraordinary qualities (lol)!

Here's the background--so you see all these super models, stars, actresses who are beautiful, popular, vivacious, blah blah blah, get interviewed on Regis and Kelly, The Today Show, Leno, whatever! And during the interview they always say, "I never went to any of my proms because all the guys thought I already had a date or thought I was stuck up."

I don't get these feelings very often, but unfortunately, Independence Day ushered in this awful realization. And to top it off, I did not fit into my 'supermodel' cutoff flag jeans shorts. But by golly, I will by Labor Day people! I will! And I will look HOT! However, no one will see me (and below explains why!!! LOL!)

Did not get invited to one single, gosh darn cook out, party, picnic, anything. And of course, being a normal day off, my family did not plan any big shindig for once! Rats! When I saw all these alleged facebook friends talking about all the cookouts/parties they were attending, I screamed at the top of my lungs! Really. And I realized that I could have the big "L" on my forehead.

I have many, many male married friends who of course can not invite me to any of their events because wives don't like their husbands hanging around cute, single girls....

For the most part, many of my married female friends have stopped calling me because I'm single without children, so come on, what do we really have in common anymore? (Now now, I DO still have some very endearing married female friends --and you know who you are, all 2 of you!!! lol).

Some of my single friends call me when "I'm the last resort" and they have nothing better to do.

And my other single friends were working. My sister and I popped into work after the fireworks and they all said, 'if we would have had a party, you WOULD have been invited!' I think I believe them because I do have a handful of true blue friends--very blessed!

Do I not get invited because for so many years I was Mom's caregiver and had to pass on events? Maybe....but that equation has changed.

Do I not get invited because everyone else in the world is connected to their own family and they just don't have room for a single interloper? Possibly. But I thought I had better friends than that!

In the past, I would have been hanging with my BFF, who unfortunately had to move to FLA. Maybe because I hung with him so long, I myself shunned many people. Could be?

Now, before I start getting the emails and messages saying 'hang in there' or 'snap out of it you B_ _ _ H,' this feeling did not last long.....you should know me by now. 1/2 of my family wound up getting together and having a pretty good impromptu party....then my sister and I hit the downtown fireworks!

I am amazing! I am fun! I really know how to live life and will continue to do so, with or without road blocks....

I'm just used to the parties we used to throw when Mom was alive--she'd be cooking for days. There were soooo many of us who always hung together. Then Mom died and....

I am lucky because my family usually gets together for so many events, holidays, birthdays, gambling jaunts.....just so happened the one day out of the year we did not, no one else included me and I nearly had a mental breakdown.

Being the party planner of the family, this was a lesson that I should be aggressive and next time choreograph something --even if it's for ME or 1/2 of us --so I don't get this awful pit in my stomach again that makes me want to throw up.

But I don't get it. I'm the one who is always so giving to everyone else yet....oh well. Let it go. They will get theirs one day!

I am my Mother's daughter. I am quite strong. I do know how to make my own fun and if others don't want to have the fun with me, they can go.... I just am used to sharing life with others.....I enjoy sharing baseball games, events, dinners, movies, concerts, memory-making times with others. I thrive on being in a big familial or friend group laughing so hard we all pee our pants, making so many good times that we recount time and time again......

I don't think just because someone has not found that someone special yet, they should be penalized. This topic played out many, many times on 'Sex in the City' and apparently still very prevalent today. If you are not married, you are an outcast. If you don't have children, avoided like the plague. If you don't smoke, shame on you!

If Mom and God are smiling on me, one day I will find my special someone. But if I don't, I pray they give me the peace of mind to be me, the best me I can be, and the strength to handle 98 percent of this couple oriented world (even if the couples are MISERABLE!). I have faith.

In the meantime, I'm sure this sick pit will return to my stomach 2-4 times a year....but, those other 361 days hopefully will be PRICELESS!

Thanks Jesus! Now, the countdown is on for "Op. TPA" and I am ready to go.......

Namesake

When I heard the Ash Wednesday readings, I felt rejuvenated and full of life.

I can conquer anything, even if it's hard.

And I know there will be trials and tribulations every single day of my life.

But as Father was reading the scriptures, and told the story of Daniel and the Lion's Den, this feeling of hope, being a warrior and a survivor overtook me.

It really was like I was having an out of body experience. The light bulb went on and I did not feel so alone.

Daniel's quite the inspiration for me and somehow I have a feeling I will be counting on and bothering him not just through Lent but for the rest of my life!

I really do feel like Daniel on a daily basis. Daniel's faith, honesty, and hard work caused many to outright and despise him. Even when he was closed in the lion's den, he had faith that God would take care of him, and God did!

When morning came, no scratches on Daniel. He was still alive. Daniel trusted God and God save him.

The translation for Danielle is 'God is my judge.'

God and only God is my judge. It does not matter what anyone else says, thinks or says about me. I will only follow God.


I know the name Mom wanted to give me. It was overused and being gobbled up by everyone having a baby in the 60's. I am grateful. I love my name, and more importantly, who else shares it and where it originates.

Thank you Mom!

Marathon day

Today was a marathon day.

I'm not complaining.

It's another medical day.

I'm gonna be vague.

On one hand, I don't really want anyone reading this to know exactly what kind of medical issues we have going on...suffice it to say, I do not have a right to complain in light of what my family member is about to endure.

She's been through so much and is about to get pummelled some more.

Of course, whenever we have something early, it's always a late night the previous day.

And sure enough.

A very very late evening allowing for only 2 hours of sleep.

Up early.

Hospital bound.

Delays.

You all know what I am talking about.

Even if you have the first appointment, there are delays and you wind up being at your appointment much later than expected.

Then you get the nurse who is counting the hours until vacation. Will she really be on her 'A' game?

And then they said they were on time, but you wait, and wait and wait......


All signs pointed to disaster...but you have to keep the faith!


It got to the point where we wrapped up almost two hours later than expected, just enough time for me to take my obligatory 5 minute shower and head into work.


Everything turned out fine....for now. This problem may develop time and time again.


You just have to roll with the punches and stay strong.


I just laugh when others complain over the slightest of issues knowing what we go through ever day. I also laugh when anyone says 'I am tired. I only got 6 or 7 hours of sleep.' Just walk in our shoes for a day or two! All you can do is laugh and wink at the good Lord above!!!!


I thank God every day for his guidance, his strength, his support and watching over us.


I also thank God every day for making me low maintenance, efficient, organized, focused, and a terrific multi-tasker.


He would never give us anything we could not handle.


He picked the right person for the job when giving me a major responsibility. I am honored to carry out your mission, Jesus.

'With faith in God, we know we are not alone'

I admit, usually an upbeat person, I've been going through a bad stretch since my car was struck by a man high on PCP as it rested in my company underground parking garage.

I know. I've been told about 212 times how no one was hurt and I am very lucky. And I agree. I was not injured, no one was injured. My guardian angel was watching over this situation.

I know it is only a car. I'm over that as well.

But let me tell you. My life has been turned upside down. Though not injured, folks forget that emotional stress, strain, duress, and hardship can oftentimes be much worse BUT there is no way really to record and calculate the toll it takes on a person.

Not only have I had 200x the stress placed on my shoulders...my life agenda has been put in disarray. I am even further behind.

It's ironic what I do for a living. My life is a television show which is closely back timed. Every second in my life is accounted for and utilized. Taking care of a parent or elder person, working a full time job, and just trying to keep it all going, allows for not much spare time. Who am I kidding. No spare time.

At the beginning of Lent, I sat down and outlined what major projects I needed to tackle over the coming months....well, I actually was coming along swimmingly well until that fated day.

It's amazing how one bad decision by a stranger has impacted my life, so quickly.

I can not get ahead. No matter how hard I try. No matter how I try to fend off sleep. It's no good. I can not get ahead monetarily and with my precious time.

Over the last few weeks, I've had everyone come up to me and offer advice. I do appreciate the advice. I greatly appreciate the support also given by my friends and many co-workers. But frankly, without walking in my shoes and knowing me and my family's needs, it's really hard to hear some of the wise words of wisdom:

• do this, do that
• hire a lawyer
• don't hire a lawyer
• take the money and run (which is hardly enough to get a car of any type)
• get a new car
• get a foreign car, they are cheaper (not doing this)
• get a cheap used car
• lease a nice car
• get your car fixed
• get a sports car
• get an suv
• it's a sign --good time to get a car
• don't worry
• sue everyone
• change insurance companies
• go to a salvage yard and buy 50 dollar doors (not a bad idea)
• don't get the car fixed until you have to
• junk the car (can't do this just yet, it runs perfectly)
• take it to my auto body, no mine, no mine, no mine
• pray over it, a lot
• God will take care of it all

The list is endless.

Those of you who know me, know that when there is a big decision I take my time in solving it and consider EVERY option.

I truly believe I will look back on this a month from now, and HOPEFULLY the situation will be rectified somehow, in a way acceptable to our needs.

I am not a young, single chick who can fly by the seat of her pants. I have a huge responsibility in caring for an elderly parent. Unfortunately, those not living with, taking care of, or dealing with this issue on a regular basis don't really have a clue what it all entails. My life as I once knew it is gone forever.

The car I purchase or lease or re-construct has to cater to me and my parent's needs.

Right now, it is hell.

I can't stop thinking if this would have happened to someone else??!?!?! But then, I can't think about that. I have to focus on the here and now and my situation.

I DO believe. I DO have faith. I DO know that in the midst of this chaos and hard times, God is the one carrying me leaving the single set of footprints.

I've had much worse happen in my lifetime and unfortunately, will endure much worse when people I care about begin going up to see their maker.

But really, how much can one person endure?

However, each day since the fated event, during our daily Lenten readings, God has given me signs.

• 'Faith gives us hope, courage and comfort in the most trying of times. With faith in God, we know we are not alone.'
• 'I do nothing on my own, but I say only what the Father taught me.' John 8:28b
• 'The power of prayer is amazing. God can give us strength and provide us with a sense of peace.'
• 'The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation'...Exodus 15:2

I've been able to laugh a lot over the last 2 weeks. It's not that I am being flippant. Laughing with those I love and close friends has helped me deal with this situation. I thank God that he has brought uplifting moments, fun times, enjoyable events, and lighter conversations to take my mind off that fateful day.

Keep the faith.

The waiting game...

And we wait.

One of the most nerve wracking days I've experienced in a long time.

And we wait.

The fate of all the churches in the Cleveland Catholic Diocese rests in the hands of one man, Bishop Lennon.

And we wait.

The phone rang early Saturday morning and I sprung from the makeshift bed/love seat I've been sleeping in during Mom's rehabilitation.

Nothing yet, and we wait.

The cars of the cluster committee began gathering at the Church Rectory awaiting the arrival of 'the letter.'

And we wait.

Finally, shortly after noon, 'the letter' was hand delivered. The cars left one by one.

Our Lady of Peace had been saved....and hopes that Father Gary would continue to be our fearless leader???

The Bishop says this re-configuration will only strengthen the church in the long run.

But, at this juncture, it appears no one has won. The fruits of this laborious process are months if not years away from being realized.

We are saved, but two churches in our cluster are being closed.

I can not even fathom the mindset of the parishioners at Epiphany and St. Cecilia.

I don't know how I would feel had the tables been turned. It was just awful waiting imagining all outcomes.

I do know having Father Gary at the helm and the character and strength of this parish WILL turn this situation into a positive....and will conquer any roadblocks placed in our way as we strive even harder to continue serving the least of God's children & spreading the Good News.

Today, though on the surface it may look like a time to rejoice, we mourn and pray harder than ever before for the Cleveland Catholic Diocese, the future of the Catholic Community in Cleveland, and for everyone who is going to bed tonight hurting, crying themselves to sleep wondering why it 'appears' as if God has abandoned and forsaken them. (He hasn't. He's closer than you he's ever been. Please don't give up.).

We ALL have to bring about change

I've shared in past entries my feelings on politics.

I'm not a huge fan of the 'shenanigans' so often displayed by 'shady' politicians.

I am patriotic, sentimental, emotional. I love my country, the United States of America.

I would not want to live anywhere else in the entire land.

When it involves the purest of ideals and the premise of our forefathers, I am on board all the way with political ideology.

This weekend kicked off an extremely emotional time for me.

It began Sunday as I sat watching the special presented by HBO at the Lincoln Memorial.

Phenomenal. Perfect. Well, near perfection except for Jamie Foxx's over the top rant.

The producers' impeccable planning and well choreographed presentation deserves accolades and kudos.

Simple, to the point, swift moving, as it kept its captive audience informed and entertained every second of the ride.

Never a dry eye in the room during the 2 and 1/2 hour show.

For me, anytime music, history, entertainers and patriotism collide, mountains move.


Then, the moment we've all been waiting for --Inauguration Day. I could not get enough of the pre-festivities, ceremony, and post Inaugural Balls.

Ironically, Mom had a doctor's appointment. Though we wanted to cancel, it's so hard these days to get an appointment (one of the many problems with health care that, hopefully, President Obama will remedy) with a doctor so we kept it. We, too, choreographed our every movement in order to experience all of the festivities.

While we drove out to the doc, we listened to the radio. Once inside, Mom was vehement about being no nonsense and rushing the nurses along so we could get back to witness history.

Something this country MUST get back to is its patriotism. Once inside the medical building, you would not have guessed that history was being made. No TV's on the big event. Not even a radio tuned into the happenings. Whatever happened to the days of my youth when we, though at school, would stop class, gather around a television to watch a shuttle launch or a presidential happening, or even watch the opening game of the Cleveland Indians' baseball season??

Nothing.

President Obama can start the ball rolling, but each and every one of us has to board the train to bring about change.

We ALL must change our mindset. For those who have hate in their heart from past disappointments, they must let it go. For those who were persecuted because of their race, color, heritage, background, religious beliefs, convictions, they must rise above and turn the other cheek. For those who fought in foreign wars and still hold grudges against the enemy, they too, must forgive and join hands with their fellow man.

President Obama, the 44th President of the Free World, can only do so much with his staff. It's up to each and every one of us to help solve the problems facing society today.

It may be gradual, but no one should give up.

It's like I tell Mom--slow and steady wins the race, one step at a time. No one gets up out of a hospital bed and runs the Boston Marathon. If you want to run a marathon, you start out slowly. One mile.....then try for two miles....and so on and so on. One day, you will be strong enough to go the distance and even if you don't win, at least you ran and completed the race giving it your all!

I also believe the US is one huge puzzle. It is not complete without every single person contributing in some way to its peace, harmony, and success. If one piece of the puzzle is missing, there's chaos.

President Obama can get the US back on track, but he can't do it alone.

We do need a change, even though I believe President Bush tried his best and was doing, what he thought, was best for this country. Being President or the Leader of a country is probably one of the hardest tasks to undertake, only second to the Secret Service Men who guard the Commander.


I was glued to the tv all day. I had chills every step of the way. I held on to each spoken word, each dignitary shown, and the feeling of hope which suffocated everyone taking in this momentous event.

I don't understand WHY the same feeling people have on a day like today or around the holidays can not linger longer.

All sides, both parties were involved in a love fest. WHY can not they continue that correspondence and carrying on day in and day out. Along the way, people will disagree, but should be civil and discuss their disagreements.

Politicians should NEVER do something just because its what their 'party' would do. They should use their brains and sometimes their hearts and conscience when making decisions.

I know there are Americans who never heard a word Obama sounded or ever listened to his running mates, but rather voted FOR Barack Obama or AGAINST him solely because of the color of his skin.

That is totally irresponsible and must be stopped.


I hope that those who watched the events surrounding Inauguration Day gleaned much of what I did and came out with a feeling of hope, faith, belief in myself as well as my fellow countrymen, and the strength to press on, even through tough times.

We experienced history. I know we experienced history that has never been witnessed before. However, I still do not look at President Obama as an African American President. I see him as a man who I respect and my President. I listened to him today as my new leader who resurrected ideals from his predecessors that made this country so great years ago! We CAN be great again if we just believe and work together!

I wish others would be able to get past the whole 'color issue' on all fronts. Yes, it should be noted and recognized for what it is. Martin Luther King Jr, Rosa Parks, and so many others all stuck to their convictions and beliefs to bring equality for ALL OF US! But, when it all comes down to it, we are all human beings, living breathing human beings and race, nationality, what language we speak, how tall we are or fat we are or rich we are for that matter should not mean a thing. We need to look within at someone's heart and soul and mind.

I'm lucky. I do have a good life and usually look at the glass half if not totally full! But, I do understand that there are folks out there less fortunate. Don't give up. The one thing we can not do is ever give up.

EVERY child should be told they can be whomever and whatever they want to be. EVERY human being should be treated with the utmost respect and dignity ALWAYS!!!!!!!


I'm overjoyed and rejuvenated as a new day dawns, a new President leads, and a new hope sets on the horizon to bring America back to life and back to its glory days.

Herb Jude Score

Cleveland Indians' pitching legend and long-time broadcaster, Herb Score, passed away at his home in Rocky River Tuesday morning with his wife and family at his side.

He was 75-years-old and had been ill for sometime.

In my line of work, I had been alerted a few weeks ago that he was not doing well, and unfortunately, may not have much time left.

We had a tribute story ready to go when he passed.

I wrote a personalized remembrance on my work blog.

It's been interesting and so moving reading the various newspaper articles, web stories, and viewing television reports on Mr. Score's passing.

Each story has the basic information about his baseball career, his tragic accident, how he catapulted into a tremendous broadcasting career, retired and then how the last years of his life had been plagued with tragedy after tragedy.

Every single story also contained personalized remembrances from every single writer or broadcaster. Herb Score affected every person he touched in so many ways.

His rich tones, so soothing. I could listen to Herb call a game all day long! In fact, I used to sit on the porch alcove at our old house with my homemade score card and chart the entire Indians' Game from pre-game to post-game. I'm sure I still have those score cards up in our attic somewhere!

Most of the articles touched on his 'Herbisms' as well as the classic way he'd call a game. Every once in a blue moon he would make a blunder, but for some reason, with Herb, it did not matter. He was such a class act, so unassuming, not taking himself too seriously, that he would correct the mistake with his own special flare! One of the greats! A brilliant broadcaster. They really do not make them like Herb anymore. The mold has been broken.

More important to me than any of the baseball jive was his faith and love of his God, of his religion. I truly believe that his rich, faith-filled life made him the person he was and gave him the strength to endure and survive every cross he had to bear.

From his pitching days, especially on the day of his injury, you could see how much faith he possessed. When he was laying on the pitcher's mound bleeding and in pain, he prayed to his favorite saint, St. Jude, to spare his sight. Ultimately his sight was spared. Though he did not continue with his pitching career, St. Jude and God allowed him to stay in the business he loved so much.

He named one of his daughters after St. Jude.

He was very involved with his church.

And, what inspired me most, was when my family and I would go on our baseball jaunts to watch the Tribe in various cities. We'd wind up being on the road on a Sunday. We'd find the closest Roman Catholic Church and attend Mass before heading to the game. You'd always see the Catholic ballplayers at Mass, including Mr. Herb Score, giving thanks to God for their gifts and their talents bestowed on them by God. It was quite moving.

God rewards good people. God truly rewarded Herb with his wonderful wife, Nancy. Nancy and Herb were the perfect couple, the epitome of love and happiness. Their faith helped them survive this long and weather the storms tossed in their direction. And they did!

I have no doubt that Herb Score is front and center on the 'pitching mound in the sky' blowing away the likes of Babe Ruth, Ted Williams, Mickey Mantle, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Roger Maris, and THE BEST baseball team ever assembled!

Herb, you will truly be missed.

And you are one of the 1st people I'd love to bump into and play catch with when God opens the pearly gates for me.

I can't believe he took him out?!?!??!

This is my blog, so I am going to say it. Why did Eric Wedge take Cliff Lee out of the game?? I know that every single person has their own spin. And the sports writers and baseball people will have the normal generic pad answers they always pontificate. I also know that during the Manager's press conference, there are certain questions the media is not allowed to ask Wedge. There are certain topics the media can not second guess the manager or his staff about.....or even bring up. Just listen to some of the Manager's press conferences after each game. There is dead silence at times with absolutely no one asking the hard questions that should be asked. It's very awkward to listen to and embarrassing at times.

Bottom line, even if Minnesota scores a run or two, the Indians might come back?

It's not like we are in first place (even though I STILL believe if we win and Chicago has a total melt down, we can come back). But, it's not like we are in first place battling to stay atop the division...

There were still 4 innings to go. Keep Cliff in. Let him win or lose this game. If the Indians come back, as they did, he wins. If he loses, he loses the game and not some weak bullpen job.

I am a true Indians fan and go to every single game that I am not working. I think of myself as well versed in baseball and the talent on this Cleveland Indians' team. Sometimes you have to throw about the rule book. Sometimes you have to throw away the strategy and just play hard with a lot of heart!

I am not impressed with a lot of the decisions Eric Wedge has made this year. The guys must play well. If the ball goes through Peralta's legs, it's not Wedge's fault. But so many of the plays and strategies put into play are directives from Wedge, and frankly, this year, he's not cutting it!

Come to think of it, I have not been impressed with any of our Major League Teams' coaches --sorry Romeo and Mike....

We have the talent (on most fronts)! Maybe our owners need to open the pocket books, and hire high class, big name coaches and managers to take us to the BIG SHOW!