It's been a long time since I posted an entry in this blog just as it seems like an eternity since I've held your hand, heard you tell me I'm simply perfect, seen that beautiful smile of yours, and heard you say, 'Go Tribe' and 'God is good.'
Mother's Day 2012 seemed like the perfect time to share my feelings with my readers, Mom, on how I've not come to grips with you leaving, but will never give up hope.
I know you are healthy and whole. I know your journey came to an end and you arrived at your final destination, God's house. I understand you are so happy to be with family members that have gone before you, and being Heaven, are shielded from sadness. You know for a fact that one day we will reunite giving you hope, not despair. I believe the way this played out and continues unfolding is all part of God's master plan and the way it is supposed to be.
I can't deny my feelings though I am ecstatic that you are where you've worked your entire life to be. I still grieve every single day. It's not gotten better. To me, it seems as if it's gotten worse. 2012 has been a train wreck. I'm not me. I'm some unorganized, chaotic being who just tries to get through each day successfully, let alone even thinking about how to get ahead or plan for any type of future. It's hard getting up in the morning. All I have the energy to do is the basics, get up, get dressed, try to pay the bills and go to work. Repeat.
When you left Mom, I lost my best friend. My BFF who never left my side: baseball games to concerts to dinners to hearing me sing at church to pretty much anything and everything. Since you, there's not been another BFF. When I lost you, I lost the only person who really needed me. It's an awful feeling not being needed anymore. I step back and try convincing myself, that too, may all be part of God's plan. Being a single female is quite challenging. My married friends don't have time for me. My single friends with boyfriends and girlfriends are otherwise preoccupied. I can't tell you how many times over the last 4 months I've been told, "You intimidate men," or "You're so strong and independent, you chase men away," or "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend right now." I'm anything but strong but people can believe what they want to believe.
Don't worry Mom. Each day that goes by I strive harder to be just like you & make you proud. I will never give up. I find myself saying things or doing things that you did. I stop in my tracks and look up to Heaven thanking you and winking at God for keeping your memory alive.
I'm the glass full girl working hard to get out of my tailspin. I believe, as you instilled in me, that God always provides. We need not worry about tomorrow or issues out of our control. Put all of our worries and problems in God's hands. I believe so much and give great advice. Sometimes I just have to convince myself of that advice & of my beliefs when it appears my requests fall on deaf ears.
Following in your footsteps, even thru grief, I can never say, will never say, "I'm having a bad day, week or year." That phrase has been banned from my vocabulary. I see God's daily miracles which allow me to have highs & lows each day, good moments and bad moments but NEVER full fledged bad days. Life is too short to dwell on the negative for long. God is good. When I'm down in the dumps, someone or something comes along to brighten my spirit, usually my (and your) Cleveland Indians! Or it could be seeing your trademark rainbow, a lovely sunset, an unexpected text or new friend on Twitter. The list is endless and constantly surprising at how you & God send me signs that everything will be ok.
Just because someone grieves does not mean they do not enjoy life or realize the greatness of God. I refuse to sweep my grief and bad moments under the carpet. That would be unhealthy, stupid, and deceitful to myself & my friends. You taught me to live each day as if my last. I do.
I'm simply amazed at how you continue helping me in death, being there for me in death as you were in life. Honestly Mom, you in death have been there for me more than I'd say 96% of the people in my life. Every single day you teach me something new. The light bulb goes off over my head as to why you used to do something or believed an edict. If I can't find something, you help me locate it. If I'm doing something ridiculous like having every light blaring in the house, I hear your voice saying, 'please turn off the lights you don't need' just as you did in person. When I look in the mirror and have dressed in an outfit that needs pressing, I either change it or press it --something I never would have done before. Everything I've attempted to cook or bake of yours has come out just as you made it. Now THAT in itself is a miracle!
Mom, there are so many good people who continue supporting me, because they respected you. I know that but I can't help feeling alone at times. When you died, besides our immediate family, NO ONE visited me for nearly seven months. No one dropped off casseroles or checked in on me periodically. I appeared to be an afterthought when others were bored and had absolutely nothing else on their agenda. Maybe they all thought I had a plethora of support? It was awful and unfortunately a memory I will never ever forget.
But, just because during those seven months it seemed as if no one cared, I knew I had you and God, our family, and most importantly, ME! You always said, 'You and I are fighters and survivors, Babe.' I will never forget that. I AM a fighter. I get that from you and knowing I still have you by my side, I am fearless. "I believe, I believe, I believe."
I must apologize, not necessarily to you Mom, but to everyone else. I am broken and far from being whole. Because of that, I find I can not help those family members and friends who may need my assistance. I can barely help myself let alone be there for anyone else. I know there are countless others grieving your loss. It's not just me. And over the last 30 months, I've witnessed so many others around me endure heartbreak, death, injury, defining moments. I've tried very hard to be there for many of them but I feel like I've fallen short in many respects. It's an awful, helpless feeling being so frazzled myself that I can not extend my hand to others --which is what you always taught me to do. Maybe that's part of the reason they've not been there for me. I'm working in the 'airplane oxygen mode' right now. I'm trying very hard to take care of myself, place the oxygen mask on me first and then help those around me who are in need of assistance.
Mom, what will never change is how much I love you, how much I miss you, and how I know you are constantly by my side, no matter who else may or may not be there. I believe if I keep the faith, never give up, and follow in God's and your footsteps, I can make no wrong turns. I eventually will get out of this dead end maze I feel I'm lost inside. I am still the glass full girl who has a lovely life. All I can do right now is get up, thank God for allowing me another day, live that day to the fullest, believe, never lose hope, pray, talk to you, and ask myself, "What would Mom have done?"
Can't go wrong with that attitude & vision because 'God IS good' and so are you Mom!
I love you MORE, a million bazillion times MORE! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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