Mom, I'll miss you until I see you again

It's been a long time since I posted an entry in this blog just as it seems like an eternity since I've held your hand, heard you tell me I'm simply perfect, seen that beautiful smile of yours, and heard you say, 'Go Tribe' and 'God is good.'

Mother's Day 2012 seemed like the perfect time to share my feelings with my readers, Mom, on how I've not come to grips with you leaving, but will never give up hope.

I know you are healthy and whole.  I know your journey came to an end and you arrived at your final destination, God's house.  I understand you are so happy to be with family members that have gone before you, and being Heaven, are shielded from sadness.  You know for a fact that one day we will reunite giving you hope, not despair.  I believe the way this played out and continues unfolding is all part of God's master plan and the way it is supposed to be.

I can't deny my feelings though I am ecstatic that you are where you've worked your entire life to be.  I still grieve every single day.  It's not gotten better.  To me, it seems as if it's gotten worse.  2012 has been a train wreck.  I'm not me.  I'm some unorganized, chaotic being who just tries to get through each day successfully, let alone even thinking about how to get ahead or plan for any type of future.  It's hard getting up in the morning.  All I have the energy to do is the basics, get up, get dressed, try to pay the bills and go to work.  Repeat.

When you left Mom, I lost my best friend.  My BFF who never left my side:  baseball games to concerts to dinners to hearing me sing at church to pretty much anything and everything.  Since you, there's not been another BFF.  When I lost you, I lost the only person who really needed me.  It's an awful feeling not being needed anymore.  I step back and try convincing myself, that too, may all be part of God's plan.  Being a single female is quite challenging.  My married friends don't have time for me.  My single friends with boyfriends and girlfriends are otherwise preoccupied.  I can't tell you how many times over the last 4 months I've been told, "You intimidate men," or "You're so strong and independent, you chase men away," or "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend right now."   I'm anything but strong but people can believe what they want to believe.

Don't worry Mom.  Each day that goes by I strive harder to be just like you & make you proud.  I will never give up.  I find myself saying things or doing things that you did.  I stop in my tracks and look up to Heaven thanking you and winking at God for keeping your memory alive.

I'm the glass full girl working hard to get out of my tailspin.  I believe, as you instilled in me, that God always provides.  We need not worry about tomorrow or issues out of our control.  Put all of our worries and problems in God's hands.  I believe so much and give great advice.  Sometimes I just have to convince myself of that advice & of my beliefs when it appears my requests fall on deaf ears.

Following in your footsteps, even thru grief, I can never say, will never say, "I'm having a bad day, week or year."  That phrase has been banned from my vocabulary.  I see God's daily miracles which allow me to have highs & lows each day, good moments and bad moments but NEVER full fledged bad days.  Life is too short to dwell on the negative for long.  God is good.  When I'm down in the dumps, someone or something comes along to brighten my spirit, usually my (and your) Cleveland Indians!  Or it could be seeing your trademark rainbow, a lovely sunset, an unexpected text or new friend on Twitter.   The list is endless and constantly surprising at how you & God send me signs that everything will be ok.

Just because someone grieves does not mean they do not enjoy life or realize the greatness of God.  I refuse to sweep my grief and bad moments under the carpet.  That would be unhealthy, stupid, and deceitful to myself & my friends.  You taught me to live each day as if my last.  I do.

I'm simply amazed at how you continue helping me in death, being there for me in death as you were in life.  Honestly Mom, you in death have been there for me more than I'd say 96% of the people in my life.  Every single day you teach me something new.  The light bulb goes off over my head as to why you used to do something or believed an edict.  If I can't find something, you help me locate it.  If I'm doing something ridiculous like having every light blaring in the house, I hear your voice saying, 'please turn off the lights you don't need' just as you did in person.   When I look in the mirror and have dressed in an outfit that needs pressing, I either change it or press it --something I never would have done before.  Everything I've attempted to cook or bake of yours has come out just as you made it.  Now THAT in itself is a miracle!

Mom, there are so many good people who continue supporting me, because they respected you.  I know that but I can't help feeling alone at times.  When you died, besides our immediate family, NO ONE visited me for nearly seven months.  No one dropped off casseroles or checked in on me periodically.  I appeared to be an afterthought when others were bored and had absolutely nothing else on their agenda.  Maybe they all thought I had a plethora of support?  It was awful and unfortunately a memory I will never ever forget.

But, just because during those seven months it seemed as if no one cared, I knew I had you and God, our family, and most importantly, ME!   You always said, 'You and I are fighters and survivors, Babe.'  I will never forget that.  I AM a fighter.  I get that from you and knowing I still have you by my side, I am fearless.  "I believe, I believe, I believe."


I must apologize, not necessarily to you Mom, but to everyone else.  I am broken and far from being whole.  Because of that, I find I can not help those family members and friends who may need my assistance.  I can barely help myself let alone be there for anyone else.  I know there are countless others grieving your loss.  It's not just me.   And over the last 30 months, I've witnessed so many others around me endure heartbreak, death, injury, defining moments.  I've tried very hard to be there for many of them but I feel like I've fallen short in many respects.  It's an awful, helpless feeling being so frazzled myself that I can not extend my hand to others --which is what you always taught me to do.  Maybe that's part of the reason they've not been there for me.   I'm working in the 'airplane oxygen mode' right now.  I'm trying very hard to take care of myself, place the oxygen mask on me first and then help those around me who are in need of assistance. 


Mom, what will never change is how much I love you, how much I miss you, and how I know you are constantly by my side, no matter who else may or may not be there.  I believe if I keep the faith, never give up, and follow in God's and your footsteps, I can make no wrong turns.  I eventually will get out of this dead end maze I feel I'm lost inside.  I am still the glass full girl who has a lovely life.  All I can do right now is get up, thank God for allowing me another day, live that day to the fullest, believe, never lose hope, pray, talk to you, and ask myself, "What would Mom have done?"  

Can't go wrong with that attitude & vision because 'God IS good' and so are you Mom!

I love you MORE, a million bazillion times MORE!   xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

5 games plus Jim Thome: Pinch me!

I'm determined to get my life back on track, take care of me, and continue scratching duties off of my overwhelming 'to do' list.

It was an amazing beginning....the hard part will be continuing on the straight and narrow.

Out of the goodness of his heart, a dear friend who used to help me with Mom has taken on the task of being my personal trainer. He's absolutely awesome! I worked out with him all week long...and am back down below what I weighed when I turned 40 years old. I've made such great strides I never ever want to ever find myself back where I was -- which is 40+ pounds heavier.

Not only have I revved up the workout schedule, but I saw five Indians' games last week, including the return of the beloved Jim Thome! Two weeks ago, I'd never have believed that I was so into my workout schedule and that Thome would be an Indian again.

I guess miracles can happen and anything is possible.

The day that boosted me over the top was the day-night double header. Walking back and forth from Progressive Field is an amazing workout in itself. Walking back and forth 4 times in one day with a rigorous hour long workout in between just blew my mind, but I did it and felt so pumped up at the end of the day, not to mention, I caught a foul ball at the first Indians' game --that REALLY revved me up!

Let's try and keep this streak going.....not only the baseball streak but the workout as well as organizing a pretty messy life which is a great life, but in total chaos at this very moment! :)

Is his keyboard stuck?

There are so many mysteries still lurking about today: The mystery surrounding God, Heaven, Angels, etc. being the biggest. Does the Loch Ness Monster exist? Did Marilyn Monroe really kill herself or have a little help? Why do the New York Yankees never get a bad call from the umps?

I'm going to let the experts debate all of the above through the end of time, which is yet another mystery!

I just want to know, "Is his keyboard stuck?"

Mind you, "his" is interchangeable -- a revolving door -- plethora of names ...until the end of time!

I will never understand boys. Yes, I am 'Danielle a day late and a dollar short." I'm the most organized, hip, on top of things person, unless it comes to men. When I was younger I was the 'studier' while all my girlfriends were going out on dates every night. When I was in college I was a great 'buddy' though that was not my goal! Then life and work hit.... and the 'wrong' men!

Life is too short to date a person you can't stand. I believe I am a pretty good judge of character. I am usually spot on when it comes to a first meeting. If I'm not only physically attracted to but blown away by the gentleman's many attributes including: humor, kindness, love of baseball, music variety, chivalry, intelligence, zest for life, spontaneity, equal time for fun and work, blah blah blah, then he does not get a second meeting (usually).

If God continues putting this person into my life, which has happened time and time again, I DO listen to God and keep an open mind.

When God mysteriously placed someone into my life last month out of the blue, after no contact with him for years, I thought, hmmmm? But I was quick to say 'whoa nelly' and step back. This 'friendship' appeared to be online and texting. We were supposed to get together twice to no avail.

I'm all for the mantra you can never have enough friends. And I'm even cool with keeping in touch via email, facebook, or texting. But I really thought something would come of this. I'd met the kid back in the 90's. Why was he resurfacing?

Another mystery is why boys start the whole messaging, emailing, texting 'balls to the wall' and then cool off, slow down, stop. Yes, they meet 'new' email friends. They meet new 'real' friends. They can't multi-task. They lose interest. They move on. But I'll still never get it, especially when THEY initiate the friendship or begin a conversation.

My 'May' friend was texting me at all hours of the day, waking me up at 630am in the morning with 'Morning Sunshine!' and would not stop all day long. I must admit, I loved the attention. I really did. To have a hot guy telling you you are on his mind throughout the day...and out of the blue getting a 'pick me up' in the midst of a rough day, it was tremendous! I came back from FLA and all of a sudden, the keyboards on his computer and cell phone went dead.

Is his keyboard stuck?

Oh, I take that back for the moment. I did get an actual email he sent that said "We are great, wonderful, everything is fine." And then the power company must have turned off his electricity moments after he hit 'enter.'

Am I that boring, unattractive, or disenchanting that he keeps hitting the 'zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz' button?

Is this a sign that I should run far and fast because he's the kind of guy who only knows how to hit the 'iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii' button?

For the record, I am disappointed with my 'May friend.' Don't worry boys, I never kiss and tell in my blog posts, or even trash guys. But I really believe this is an issue that many women deal with and honestly, it's a true mystery to me. I've been enamored with my 'May friend' for years....really thought we could at least have a cool friendship, if nothing else.

But, honestly, I'm sooooo over it. This not only happened with my 'May friend' but happens with my pal I've known for 14 years who I keep in touch with, and another life long friend I still keep in touch with... My friends who matter know at times this behavior gets under my skin, and they really don't have an answer for me. But again, with my friends who matter, we actually talk, see each other, and I love them immensely so I'll let the stuck keyboard every once in a while slide with them! Men are just hot and cold. Katy Perry was onto something!

Thank goodness I DO believe in the mystery of God. I DO believe that one day God will either give the great guys I know 'in person' who tease me all the time the guts to maybe ask me out, if that's in the cards. Or he'll send a new angel into my life to show me that there are still working keyboards out there that actually spell out 'WE.'

ps Why the Yankees never get a bad call will ALWAYS be a mystery :)

Euphoria

I would have died for my Mother. I would have endured all the pain and suffering she had the last years of her life in a heartbeat if I could have switched places with her. I hope with the way Mom raised me & my home training I would do the same for any family member of mine, and I hope good friend...or really anyone who needed my help.

Well, today, I realized I think I really do know what loving someone feels like (besides a family member).

I have a dear friend who had a bone marrow transplant today. He and his family ARE family to me. For the first time in a long time I realize how important someone is to me, how much I love them, and can not even imagine them not being around.

When word started trickling back that my friend made it through his operation with flying colors and was feeling strong, I could have soared or leapt over the tallest downtown Cleveland skyscrapers. Nothing could have snuffed out my happiness, yet I did not believe that happiness could become euphoria. Think again.

I can not even believe I was able to contain myself for the rest of my shift, the rest of the day. My cell phone text jingle went off. Having absolutely no clue who was texting me, I took a glance.

My eyes opened up as big as shiny silver wheels on a spiffy souped up sports car as I read the text from my friend, who had just endured surgery. "Thanks Daniella....everything's going well...it was an incredible day."

I burst into tears of joy, could not sit down for the rest of my shift and just raised my eyes up to Heaven thanking God that he'd given me the gift of not only friends, but love. Some never really experience the love of others or loving someone else let alone being surrounded their whole lives by family and friends.

I've got it all!

One of God's greatest gifts: dogs

Before non-dog lovers start on me, you can interchange 'dogs' with 'all pets.'

But, I'm going to go back to my first premise because I personally believe that one of God's greatest gifts to humans & the world is the dog.

If you read dog backward, hmmmm, you have god.

My family has had animals including dogs my entire life. We've had cats, birds, mice, hamsters, frogs, fish, you name it, we had it!

One reason I am not a huge cat lover is because our cat was an absolute terror climbing the curtains and attacking our bird! However, my Aunt has always had cats and hers are precious. They even named one of their cats after me, so I do hold a little love in my heart for the furry, purring pet!

All of our animals had character. One of our hamsters would get loose but we always knew where to find it, downstairs in the basement in its special little place.

My Mom was a saint because technically I am allergic to certain breeds of dogs but just love them all so. We'd get a dog and when they got older, after Mom trained them, we had to get rid of a few of them.

One of the dogs we had, a schnoodle, was a good fit but came from a bad breeder and died.

Oh, the stories we have over our entire lives!

Dogs (and all animals really) know when something is going to happen and sense emotions. They may not be able to speak but if you know your dog, they DO speak to you. They can tell if an earthquake or big storm is approaching by their antics --so watch your dogs!

They know if you've had a death in the family and are sad or if there is reason to celebrate.

My favorite dog, Katie, was the absolute best! She was a doll. My sister and Mom got her for my youngest niece but she quickly became 'mine.' I had a special call to get her to come to me....and when she really wanted something, she went to Mom because she knew who was boss and who'd get action!

Oh, I could go on and on with all the wonderful stories about Katie. She endeared herself to the entire family and anyone who met her. Just ask anyone who has looked through the 4 or 5 picture albums of Katie!

When she was a puppy, if you were laying on your stomach on the floor or couch, she'd pop up on you and sit smack dab in the middle of your booty! I can not even believe how small she was when we got her so many years ago! We gave her to Colleen for Christmas....

Dogs love unconditionally. They don't care the mistakes we made, how we look, what we have or don't have. They do sense when something is wrong and come snuggle with us.

My youngest niece has 2 dogs which used to live with us, so I have another special place in my heart for those girls.....but my oldest niece's dog has won me over as well!

About a month ago, little Zoey got sick. It was quite out of character for her but after a huge storm, which blew a bunch of stuff on the floor, she got into a few things she was not supposed to get into. She scared the bejeebers out of all of us. I can honestly say I was on pins and needles for 48 hours on the verge of tears every time I thought of what happened. Finally when I got the word that she was ok and home from the hospital, I just burst into tears of joy.

My friend from Tampa could not believe that I got so attached and emotional over a dog. Well, first, he's a guy and .....well, there's no excuse for anyone not treating a dog (or animal) as part of the family.

The last few weeks of Katie's life were awful. She could not walk and everything was shutting down. I'd carry her outside to try and do her business. I'd carry her everywhere. I hand fed her, if she would even eat. I took her to the vet every single day for them to give her an IV. Finally, they realized she was not going to get better. They really did not know what was happening with her system but could not cure her. She had medical problems, she was getting older and it was probably just her time to meet God.

When she died, we lost a family member, not just a pet. I carried a heavy heart for months. Not only had a dear friend moved out of the state but now my best friend had passed away. There were songs that came on the radio that reminded me of Katie that would make me burst into tears. I think it took about 6 months, at least, before I could listen to and sing this particular song all the way through tear-free.

I do know that Katie (and now Mom) are up in Heaven as my guardian angels. I could not make it through a day were it not for their support and watchful eyes.

All of these memories came flooding back as someone I consider to be a very, very dear friend lost one of his dogs this week. When I heard that he was sad, my heart dropped to the ground. I knew it could have only been one thing causing his sadness. This dog was so precious. What a great, loving animal.

I felt handcuffed to do anything to help. On one hand, I refuse to ever say "I know how you feel" yet I had a slim idea.

I know how I am when I am depressed or saddened. Sometimes you want to be alone, sometimes you need someone to embrace you. And many times you are so beside yourself, you can not even communicate what you need.

I tried contacting him but never got any responses.

My first inkling was to call but then I hung up the phone thinking maybe he does not want calls right now.

I have a way of second guessing myself and never doing the right thing. I don't know if I helped him in anyway with my written thoughts of encouragement. I feel as if I failed as a friend with this crisis. I know that losing a pet is just as traumatic as losing a human friend.

I can only hope that his pooch is guarding over him right now from Heaven taking away some of his grief and that God is taking away the rest of his sadness. And if he needs me, I hope that he knows I am ALWAYS there for him. All he has to do is reach out, and I will be there.

What a fire ball!!

Last week a good friend and long-time parishioner passed away.

Alberta's 95 years on this earth were exciting, rich, and full of life!

More importantly, they were surrounded by family, friends and constantly praising God.

Her health had been waning over the last few years. She's perfect now! All 4 feet+ and 95 pounds (if that!).

I am honored to be able to say my family knew Alberta and her son Carl for years and am quite blessed for the time spent together. We'd talk baseball, religion, and how Alberta enjoyed being a part of her sewing group.

Carl's dedication and attentiveness to his mother was tremendous. Being a caregiver= a blessing surrounded by great joy! I know first hand and would repeat in a heart beat everything I did for Mom!

Alberta and my Aunt Lucy were best friends.

Alberta and my Mom were quite close as well.

The 1st image that came into my head when I heard she had passed were Mom and Aunt Lucy welcoming her into Heaven, a place that all three of these faith-filled women strove for their entire lives.

It's extremely hard losing people. I am still having a horrible time dealing with the death of Mom. But, that said. My faith in God keeps me going, keeps me grounded, and gives me the strength when I feel so hopeless, lost, and alone.

Knowing that there IS a place after this purgatory currently consuming us is quite calming...a place where we will be reunited one day with those loved ones who have gone before us. It's comforting.

And what's even more consoling is realizing that our loved ones are safe, healthy, pain-free, and at God's right hand enjoying eternal life.

Alberta, you will never be forgotten--your class, your humor, your faith and friendship!

Namesake

When I heard the Ash Wednesday readings, I felt rejuvenated and full of life.

I can conquer anything, even if it's hard.

And I know there will be trials and tribulations every single day of my life.

But as Father was reading the scriptures, and told the story of Daniel and the Lion's Den, this feeling of hope, being a warrior and a survivor overtook me.

It really was like I was having an out of body experience. The light bulb went on and I did not feel so alone.

Daniel's quite the inspiration for me and somehow I have a feeling I will be counting on and bothering him not just through Lent but for the rest of my life!

I really do feel like Daniel on a daily basis. Daniel's faith, honesty, and hard work caused many to outright and despise him. Even when he was closed in the lion's den, he had faith that God would take care of him, and God did!

When morning came, no scratches on Daniel. He was still alive. Daniel trusted God and God save him.

The translation for Danielle is 'God is my judge.'

God and only God is my judge. It does not matter what anyone else says, thinks or says about me. I will only follow God.


I know the name Mom wanted to give me. It was overused and being gobbled up by everyone having a baby in the 60's. I am grateful. I love my name, and more importantly, who else shares it and where it originates.

Thank you Mom!

I'm not just sitting around eating bon bons!

I think of myself as an extremely smart, ambitious, talented, fun-loving individual who has many interests, excels in problem solving, has impeccable organizational skills and so much more --who always pulls everything together so it works out just perfectly!

All great gifts given to me by God above--which I realize, thank Him for on a daily basis, and try to use so when I get to the pearly gates, he does not ask me 'WHY didn't you use the gifts I gave you?'

That said--I am smart enough to know that I am grieving the death of my Mother. And I am even smarter to know I should not fight it or be embarrassed about it--and others should be respectful of me and my grieving process!


I know Mom died. Trust me. I know this happens to everyone and we all must press onward! I've pressed onward many times in my life:

• when my Father abandoned us when I was a baby
• when Mom had a heart attack
• when my best friend's Mother died while we were in grade school
• when my Uncle was very ill and living with us
• when I heard an accident on the scanners which later I learned involved my Uncle & wound up taking his life
• when I was struck by a drunk driver who totalled my first car & got nothing
• when my Uncle was murdered though his wife covered it up
• when my dog passed away in my arms
• when my second car was totalled in my work parking garage & no one did anything to help
• when Mom got sick....and ultimately met her maker
• Oh the list is endless

Words stated to me verbally and in print over the last few days show that there are people who still don't get it, get me or ever got Mom.

There are actually people who think I am focusing on what I lost rather than what I have.


Holy Shit. What a crock! Yes, I swore.

1st off, I don't have time to focus on what I lost --I need to focus on the here and now as I am up to my ears in trying to straighten out Mom's business...it's a pain in the ass and something that no one else can do since no one else ever took a vested interest in Mom.


God has given me countless gifts and the best gift that He gave me WAS Mom and the labor of love of taking care of her. I would not exchange this gift for anything. I promised Mom many years ago that she would never live alone or in a nursing home. I would never abandon her. And I meant it. And I guess since I made that proclamation, it allowed everyone else in our lives to move on with their lives so many years ago, move out, and say sayonara over 5 years ago! God love them!

With this gift God gave me came responsibilities not given to anyone else, extra hardships no one else ever experienced, and so many challenges never imagined even after she passed--tedious and time consuming duties which no one else can even fathom.


I took care of Mom. And no one should ever criticize me or my grieving process. I thank God that Mom died before me because no one else really knew how to take care of her:

• her medicines, why she took them and when she had to take them
• her doctors, what each of them did, where they were, keeping her appts straight
• what food she was really supposed to eat and not eat
• how she liked her hot cereal--she'd complain anytime anyone else made it but me
• her lemonade with splenda
• taking her pills with applesauce rather than water
• how she had to be the leader when she walked and walking at HER pace rather than pulling her --like some did
• knowing her favorite nightgown
• which socks fit with certain shoes
• her favorite tv shows
• how she needed her favorite letter opener when opening the mail
• knowing she liked taking 2 clementines and 3 bags of cookies to dialysis
• making sure she had puffs in every pocket of every jacket at all times
• remind her to take her food pills after meals, especially if we were out
• taking her on numerous trips --no way in hell anyone else in our life would have even attempted to do this!
• The list is endless what I did for Mom --99% of the stuff people didn't even know.

So, I am ok with grieving the death of my Mom because she was my life and I was her life. The problem is not me --it's others who STILL are not respecting my thoughts, my feelings, my needs, my wants, and are STILL telling me how to feel and what to do!

The suggestions are flowing like beer at an Irish wake. People are telling me to move, to buy a house, where to move, to start living my own life, to take care of myself, to live it up, to save my money, to spend my money, to buy new clothes, to not buy new clothes, to spend time with my friends, to not spend time with my friends so I can take time for me, to get married, to stay single.....are you really gonna let me live my life or continue bossing me around?

For the record: My Mother died. That was traumatic enough for now. Though it is no one's business, I lost 50% of my monthy income. I know, some of you out there are jobless and homeless so you definitely are not empathizing with me. However, for me, at this time in my life, it may be very hard for me to buy a house let alone even move at this moment. For me personally, I can not take any more big upheavals in my life right now. I will go off the deep end.

For those of you who REALLY care for me--what I REALLY want is:

• to wrap up once and for all Mom's business affairs
• to get my affairs in order should I die so my current nightmare does not one day become someone else's
• to FIRST & FOREMOST work out every single day
• to not have to worry about my living conditions/location at this juncture
• to be able to pay off my credit cards
• to sock away some money since I took such a money hit with Mom's death
• to be able to focus on me since I've neglected myself for over 10 years
• again, to be able to get up in the morning and work out EVERY DAY, work out --what's that?
• to lose all the weight that I need to lose
• to get my head, my heart, my mind, my emotions, and my physical body stabilized before I make anymore moves
• And to have the freedom to grieve my Mom's death if necessary without being ostracized for doing so

Know that I don't sit around eating bon bons all day grieving!

I live and I am on the go and I talk to Mom & thank God every minute of every day for what he has and continues giving me.

I guess those nay-sayers have never really loved someone. Those people telling me to move on and get over it have cold ice in their veins.

I see a bird fly by and remember how Mom marveled at the tiny miracle made by God.

I hear Michael Symon's laugh and recall Mom saying time and time again how she loved his laugh (which I told him to his face by the way!).

I see Dave Duncan in the dug out on tv and remember how Mom wrote a letter to Bob DiBiasio of the Indians asking if he could get some Cleveland Indians' to send her daughter sweet 16 birthday cards --and I got dozens of them, including Dave Duncan!

I sit and watch one of MY favorite shows, the Golden Girls, and at times do get teary eyed because I see the relationship Dorothy has with Sophia and it conjures up so many wonderful memories.

Or I sing a line at Mass which reminds me of Mom so I tear up.

Or my friend Louie tells me "I love you more" which Mom would say to me all the time!

I have moved forward and love life and living life. I have accomplished so much since October 26th. No one else I know could have done what I have done! I am tooting my own horn. I am one in a million and impressive! I know we can not always get what we want! Things can not always be orchestrated to suit our needs. I'm sure in the near future there will be many, many more challenges and bumps in the road and even disasters where I feel I can not go on or I have no where to turn. I have God. I thank God profusely for giving me feelings and memories and allowing me to be a kind and caring person who actually has emotions. And yes, sometimes having emotions and feelings gets the best of me --especially since my Mother died less than 4 months ago.

But I'd rather have emotions and cry and feel sad and happy and a rainbow of feelings every single day of my life than have ice running through my veins!

It's better to give than to receive!

Amen!

I just love giving gifts and seeing the reaction from the recipient!

We all had a great Christmas dinner and then the chaotic free-for-all frenzy which ensues afterward as there is no rhyme or reason as to 'what' and 'how' we carry out this yearly ritual.

The kids usually get the bulk of the gifts so we just keep pushing the boxes in front of them hoping that when they open our special gift, we see it.

I think everyone liked the gifts they received this year....some surprises.....and very heartfelt hand-made items.

I usually wind up doing the 'mad dash opening mine quickly' at the end so I can watch everyone else open their new acquisitions.

Always an energized exercise where everyone talks at the same time, and for really special gifts, you'll hear someone shout higher than the rest, 'OK everyone, get your cameras ready!' The paper goes flying, usually never making it into the 'makeshift' garbage bag where at least one person winds up getting pinged in the head.

Never fear, Sara usually winds up getting some type of 'accessory' to wear which she immediately puts on and wears for the rest of the festivities!

All in all, success achieved. We spent quality time with each other enjoying a great meal (with leftovers--always a plus)! Mom was definitely a present force in the midst of it all. We received some great gifts...

I can't explain the feeling I get, but it's good when we are all together and there is laughter, smiles from cheek to cheek, no worry or stress present, even if it's just for a few hours. The best gift that I can get from God and Santa Claus!

It all became clear emptying the ice machine

We have an overactive ice machine.

It's great. Never lacking the 3 essentials-cold water, ice cubes, or crushed ice. What's your pleasure?

Living the dream, let me tell you.

As I was doing my daily ritual of tossing the huge 'melded together' slab of ice and leveling the rest of the keeper off, it all became so clear.


For the longest time, I felt as if I'd become a failure.

Let's face it, my current lot in life was thrust on me. Though I welcome the responsibility everyday with willing and open arms (and heck, if I did not step up to the plate, who knows what would have happened), 10 years ago, never in a million years would I had imagined the twist my life would take.

Then it dawned on me as ice was falling everywhere during my daily grind at the freezer.

I am no failure. In fact, I am far superior to most. And very proud of it.

If I sound cocky, so be it. I know every person on this earth has their hardships, their challenges, their disappointments, trials and tribulations. But honestly, I bet not many could do what I do as well as I do it. Maybe that's why, after so far along in the game, I'd rather handle the task at hand solo.

It's a vicious cycle --when no one dove in at the beginning of this journey I figured I was on my own. Still no one took a vested interest. And the few times I did ask for assistance, I was sorely disappointed. It's that old adage, if you want something done right, do it yourself.

I'm still cringing at the time someone used the wrong cream .....well, you can use your imagination on this mishap......


Most of the people I know are either single .....married with no kids.....married with kids BUT they have a male or female spouse and a HUGE supporting cast of sisters/brothers/nieces/nephews/aunts/uncles/mother or father-in-laws.....and no other care giving responsibilities.

One of my dearest friends has 'he and he alone' with his job, his apartment, his car and that's it.

I'm sure he has his share of complexities and challenges. I pray for him everyday.

I feel much more confident that I am not and never was a failure because I can not clean my kitchen floor, wash down the bathrooms on a regular basis, weed the yard, paint the bottom of the garage, fill the HUGE crevices in the garage where the bricks have crumbled (soon the entire garage will crumble), keep up with the laundry, vacuum on a regular basis, replace the front screen door (which the landlord busted), replace the back door stopper, replace numerous light bulbs around the house including the garage, install a few new door knobs which have loosened, put up a few more railings, read a book let alone a paragraph, find a doctor .....or work out every single day.


It's amazing what I DO accomplish on a daily basis by doing what everyone does AND factor in the caregiver title.


Never again will I feel like a failure. I thank God for his assistance and walk tall and proud, head held high knowing I'm giving my all, I will have no regrets in life, I try to do the best I can everyday and be the best...and that God never makes mistakes. He assigned this job to the correct person who is honored and humbled by his choice.

Marathon day

Today was a marathon day.

I'm not complaining.

It's another medical day.

I'm gonna be vague.

On one hand, I don't really want anyone reading this to know exactly what kind of medical issues we have going on...suffice it to say, I do not have a right to complain in light of what my family member is about to endure.

She's been through so much and is about to get pummelled some more.

Of course, whenever we have something early, it's always a late night the previous day.

And sure enough.

A very very late evening allowing for only 2 hours of sleep.

Up early.

Hospital bound.

Delays.

You all know what I am talking about.

Even if you have the first appointment, there are delays and you wind up being at your appointment much later than expected.

Then you get the nurse who is counting the hours until vacation. Will she really be on her 'A' game?

And then they said they were on time, but you wait, and wait and wait......


All signs pointed to disaster...but you have to keep the faith!


It got to the point where we wrapped up almost two hours later than expected, just enough time for me to take my obligatory 5 minute shower and head into work.


Everything turned out fine....for now. This problem may develop time and time again.


You just have to roll with the punches and stay strong.


I just laugh when others complain over the slightest of issues knowing what we go through ever day. I also laugh when anyone says 'I am tired. I only got 6 or 7 hours of sleep.' Just walk in our shoes for a day or two! All you can do is laugh and wink at the good Lord above!!!!


I thank God every day for his guidance, his strength, his support and watching over us.


I also thank God every day for making me low maintenance, efficient, organized, focused, and a terrific multi-tasker.


He would never give us anything we could not handle.


He picked the right person for the job when giving me a major responsibility. I am honored to carry out your mission, Jesus.

Surreal week

I'm still trying to grapple with all of the people who have passed away over the last few weeks.

We've had friends, neighbors, and co-workers.

There have been numerous stars. I have not looked it up and am not looking it up right now but have always known to be true that when a 'star' passes away, it happens in 3's.

Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson...and it has continued all week long.....

Now, Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett were expected.

Michael Jackson definitely not expected. I'm still stunned and in a fog I think not totally grasping this occurrence.

I know people who totally went to pieces over MJ's death. I grew up with his music my entire life. I personally thought he was a musical genius and contributed to the history of pop music as we know it today. God gave Michael Jackson and his entire family numerous gifts, which they utilized.

No matter how you feel about this man and the 'tabloid stories' which followed him around, his talent should not be denied.

I do have a problem, maybe just a small problem, with tying the word 'tragic' or 'tragedy' to his passing.

Don't get me wrong, it's awful. Yet another negative scenario in this entertainer's life and legacy. However, we as a people overuse or misuse certain words. The first one that pops to mind is 'love.' I 'love my husband' or 'I love pizza' or 'I love my dog.'

When I think of 'tragedy' I think of 9/11. I think of a plane full of 157 people crashing into the ocean. I think of a small child getting kidnapped, missing for 6 years, and no sign of hope that she will ever be found.

Maybe it's my faith and relationship with God, but I believe everything happens for a reason and we are put on this earth by God with a mission and when that mission is complete, we go back up to our maker.

We may never know just 'what that mission may be' but have to believe.

As finite people, when someone dies, especially at a young age, we can't imagine why that happens.

We have to believe.

In the words of Michael, 'If you'd only believe.'

There is a Balm in Gilead

This song brings back wonderful memories from my college days when the Hiram College Choir performed this song on one of our National Tours of the U.S. and Canada.

We rocked, if I can pat all of us on the back. I have a rough recording of it, and it's good!


The last month or so (who am I kidding, 6 years) have been very stress-filled and difficult. Oh, we are fine and life is good. When I look at the problems others endure and the lives others have on the surface, I can not complain. I can only praise God and thank him from the bottom of my heart. But, it seems, there have been more bumps in the road and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness over the last month than in a long while.

I have an insurmountable amount of responsibility that was presented to me. At first, I could handle it. I know God will not give us more than we can handle. And frankly, of everyone he could have given this responsibility to, I am the best person for the job. No one else can do what I do for Mom. Bar none. He made the right choice. I just need to make him proud. Some would say I am still doing a fine job. But, it's hard and I do feel overwhelmed every minute of every day of my life.

But then, just as I am at rock bottom, God does what he does best --gives me hope.

Today's readings and songs were PERFECT. As I sang each song at each Mass, I was reminded that God is with me even if everyone else has abandoned me or is against me or, in my eyes, is abandoning God and his word.

I really needed it today, and as usual, God delivered.

In Father's homily, one of the main teachings was that God loves every one of us as if there was only one of us. Each of our needs, our pleas for help, our problems, and joys are as important as the next person's.

And I'd just like to share some of the lines from various songs I sang today....which helped me immensely, and hopefully, have recharged my soul to continue helping me get through each day.

"Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me, and I will give you rest."

"If you pass through raging waters in the sea, you shall not drown."

"If you walk amid the burning flames, you shall not be harmed."

"If you stand before the power of hell and death is at your side, know that I am with you through it all."

"Blessed are your poor, for the kingdom shall be theirs."

"Blest are you that weep and mourn, for one day you shall laugh."

"And if wicked tongues insult and hate you all because of Me. Blessed blessed are you."


Then we have from "I heard the voice of Jesus"--
"I heard the voice of Jesus say, come unto Me and rest
Lay down thou weary one lay down thy head upon My breast
I came to Jesus as I was
Weary and worn and sad
I found in him a resting place and He has made me glad...."


But the grand daddy of them all--"There is a Balm in Gilead"--

"There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole
There is a balm in Gilead to heal the sinsick soul.

Sometimes I feel discouraged and think my work's in vain
But then the Holy Spirit revives my soul again.

If you can not preach like Peter, if you can not pray like Paul
You can tell the love of Jesus, and say He died for all.

Don't ever feel discouraged, for Jesus is your friend
and if you lack for knowledge, he'll ne'er refuse to lend."

Boy, did the Easter Bunny dump a load....

As if there was not enough chaos in my life right now....

The Easter Bunny pulled a huge prank (and it's not even April Fool's Day anymore) and dumped a huge load in my lap.

Now, I know I don't have a huge blog following, and to those of you who read this, you may say, 'what's the problem?'

You hit the nail on the head!

I may write in this blog once a day, more than likely with my crazy life 3x a week if I am lucky.

That small opening does not really allow for anyone to get to know me...REALLY know me.

A good thing actually. I don't think I really want complete strangers to know every A, B, and 3 about me, my life and family. As I've said before, this blog's dual role is to continue sharpening my writing skills as well as pondering the great questions of the day or even entertain and bring a smile to someone's face every once in a while.

And I am within my rights to share, vent or pontificate a topic.

But, not really knowing someone or walking in their shoes or knowing what they are going through 24 hours a day does not give someone else the right to 'meddle' or 'think' they know another person's needs.

Frankly, no one knows what I have been going through for the last 4+ years....let alone the last 3 weeks with that crazy guy high on PCP crashing through my company's 'supposedly secure and gated' parking garage --UNDERGROUND --and totalling my vehicle. The man who totalled my car has stolen precious minutes /hours, time, sanity and peace of mind right out from under me over the last number of weeks...and it's not over. Many more hours of lost time AND $$$$$$ await in light of everything I still must do to rectify this situation.

My God and my Mother have been with me the entire time, through thick and thin. Thank God my Mother is better but 4 years ago she was extremely ill.....and though a handful of people have helped (thank you), their 3% is no comparison to the 97% to 100% I've been giving the last 4 years and beyond. I'm just as overwhelmed today as I was 4 or 5 years ago. Even though I have a wonderful life, I really gave up the life I knew and could have had.

We've had help over the years (thank you again) and I do have a few very dear friends I know I can count on, but come on, the masses were not beating down our door when the going got really tough....and still not today. Heck, I'm trying to spend a measly 48 hours with a dear friend....and it's like trying to move mountains and offer my first born (if there ever is a first born) to coordinate this cataclysmic event.

So who's bright idea was it that I 'needed' to reunite with my father? That's not what I need. Not even a blip on my list of things to do. And that's what I am talking about. No one knows what anyone else needs...so don't meddle.....

I'm really not sure what spurred this on....but what I do know is that after 20+ years, on Easter 2009, my father leaves a message saying he would love to come hear me sing at Church.

Again, many of you would say --great! Let him come and listen to you. And that's fine, he can, it's a free world.

But that ship sailed. He borrowed money from me, said he 'needed time to get his life together' and took off.....never to be heard from again....

Until now. A day late and a dollar short. Don't get me wrong. He's a nice man, he's my father and I would not be here today without he and Mom (who is my true hero!). We still send he and my uncle a Christmas letter each year. However, I am not overhauling my life for this man right now. My life is back-timed. Each precious second is already accounted for....

I am rejuvenating my life. I have a rich life just the way it is. I need to focus more on me....my health.....my God-given talents....continue giving 110% at my job.....continue spending quality time with Mom and her great come-back.....as well as my "Dave Letterman top 20 list of things to accomplish in 2009" drafted back on January 1, 2009.

More importantly, there are a number of people I love dearly who I would rather catch up with and spend quality time with.... I am so blessed to have great friends all over the world --grade school, high school, college and career-wise who, because of lifestyles traveling at warped speed, we've not kept up as we'd like, but we HAVE kept up....and when we see each other, it's like we've never missed a beat!!!!


I'm sorry. For those of you reading this right now, I must sound like an awful human being. Again, I do love my father. However, whatever the motivation and good intentions, he picked one hell of a time to resurface. Plain and simple: I don't have the time for him. I don't. My life is booked up with other pressing priorities that take precedent and really mean a great deal to me. I guess I am a bad person, because my father's name is not on that priority list.

I have some big projects I am working on over the next 7 months....and one that was not anticipated (my car situation), and frankly, I don't have the time for this unexpected development.


I just said to Mom yesterday, 'I will always be that 12 year old that everyone bosses around.' In fact, the few conflicts I've been involved in over the last 2 or 3 years were because of that factoid. On one hand folks tell me --"do what YOU want to do." And in their next breath they say, "do this, it's best for you!" And they tell ME what do to...what's best for me.


What's best for me right now is folks not telling me what to do....folks not meddling....folks respecting my wishes and my opinions, whatever they may be....and God giving me the energy, the strength, the courage, the patience, 4 extra hours each day, the perseverance, and the peace of mind to buckle down, take the bull by the horns, and continue crossing off MY to-do list which was drafted back on January 1, 2009.

Not the to-do list that everyone else and their brother 'think' is good for me and my happiness.

Truly blessed

Happy Thanksgiving!

It should not take a specially named day for us to realize day in and day out how truly blessed and thankful we are....but I suppose everyone could use a nudging now and then.

I am grateful that I was raised and instilled with the teaching to thank God every day for what he has done for us and the gifts he has given us (spiritually, emotionally, and tangibly).

I've had a good life. I still do. I would not trade it for anything. I've been surrounded by loving family and friends my entire life in a laughter-filled world. I still have a mother to guide me through life's mazes, when I need her, and who shares my daily occurrences.

This holiday ushers us into one of the most holiest seasons for me. I only hope I can live up to your expectations, utilize my gifts wisely and to the fullest extent, and be the person You made me to be.

Thank you.

(P.S. Thank you, God for the gift of wreath making! The picture is a wreath I made for Mom's dialysis center.)

Jumping through hoops

This has been ten days of jumping through hoops for rampant idiocy. Raise your glasses. A toast to you all!


To nurses and major chain pharmacies who do not have on record the pain medication they prescribed even though you are holding the prescription bottle in your hot little hand.

To medical personnel who argue with you about how you are feeling.

To office assistants who do not give messages to the doctor.

To doctors who do not call with x-ray results. If they are clear, then why the throbbing pain?

To technicians who tell you dialysis went well and the next day getting a call that there IS a problem.

To more nurses who tell you, 'you’re not on the surgical procedure list' even though your Doctor told you to report to the hospital.

To ‘Breakstone’s Cottage Doubles’ for making it a single and forgetting to put the apple-cinnamon fruit in the container.

To Joe Borowski --what is there to say? You should have told Wedge and the gang you weren’t yourself before making the team hydroplane out of control.

To CC Sabathia --we’re glad you snapped out of it!

To LeBron James --the Alaskan folks are disappointed they could not spend time with you...at least they did not see you lose to the Wizards by 30+ in person.

To contractors who do a good job yet break the sink plug and forget to put the banister back up.

To folks who ‘think’ they can sing, but they can’t. To other folks who compliment the people who ‘think’ they can sing when they shouldn’t.

To folks using ‘things’ and not putting them back where they belong.

To those who think I love cleaning up caked-on cheese and egg in the sink.

To employees from all walks of life in every profession who do not 'appear' to do their job and may even get high praise for 'not' doing their job yet never 'appear' to get reprimanded--you know who you are!!!!!!

To those out there who use crude language, offensive gestures, tell off-color jokes, swear, and use pugnacious tones without giving it a second thought....oblivious of how offensive and hurtful.

To starting world war three for nicely asking a co-worker to try to get to work on time.

To the topsy turvy world we live in where someone can actually fabricate a story, blind everyone by young and innocent 'calculating' sweet talk, unjustly accuse the innocent, and get away with it...because it’s a world gone mad. Oh the beauty of it all! Hopefully, the strong will survive and will get the last laugh all the way to the bank…..Cha-Ching!


Well, if this week has not jaded us, nothing will. And IT HAS NOT!! Because frankly, I LOVE and am IN LOVE with life. I am still alive. Mother is still alive. It is Spring. It was 84 degrees today! Baseball Season is back. The Indians beat the Yankees. The Cavs are still in this thing. I fit into my old jeans. I have good friends. The Pope visited the US. And if I can’t count on anyone or anything else, I can always count on God, my religion and myself! Cheers!