Reliving Mom's ailments & being a caregiver

Half the time I haven't a clue what I wore yesterday, if I remembered to wish a friend happy birthday, or if I ate that day.

Yet, there are moments in my life burned in my memory. And if they are not tattooed on my brain, they are resurrected as people dear to me experience similar events.

Two current situations have opened the floodgates of being Mom's caregiver for so long.

My best friend is stranded in Cleveland as he recovers from breaking his foot. His only mode of transportation most of the time: me.

I can not tell you how I'm reliving all over again a trip to the doctor with Mom. It's uncanny. I used to watch her like a hawk when walking with her walker. I'd be holding onto an article of her clothing determined never to let anything happen to her.

Fast forward to 2011 and I'm doing the same thing. I truly believe I will be taking care of those I love for the rest of my life, and that is definitely not a bad thing. I so miss taking care of my Mother. I hurt constantly I miss her so.

I help my friend down the steps with his crutches, walk very slowly right next to him so he does not take a spill, help him get in the car, park as close as I can to the medical center....I am reliving every single moment. I tell him, 'who cares if we go 5x slower than everyone else. Safety first.'

I must admit, and he hates when I do this, I'm constantly spewing medical jargon. My Mother's doctors and nurses used to ask me if I was a nurse? "Are you in the medical field?" And when I said no, they were in shock because I knew so much...I take great pride in that characteristic.

Now, I just wish he'd listen to me!

The nurse was showing him how to wrap his foot --only once a week. I said, "That's nothing, I had to do the exact same thing to my Mom's leg 3x a day!" And then of course I started a conversation with the nurse and he just sat there rolling his eyes!

My friend will be fine, so this situation does not seem so grave. Though he is still in pain and the initial stages of recovery, we know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

A second situation involving another friend is much more serious and transports me to more dire times with my Mom.

The Mother of dear friends from grade school is currently in the hospital with pneumonia. She goes to my church too. When I heard that, my heart sank and I envisioned the dozen or so times Mom was in the hospital with pneumonia. It all came rushing back to me, I started visibly shaking, and I just can't seem to get these visions or experiences out of my mind now.

The irony of it all: Mom WAS in the hospital many times with pneumonia. She'd always wind up in ICU and then wound up out at Heather Hill for rehab. I'd be at the hospital anytime I was not at work, every day. I'd go for days without showering. I'd sleep on the love seat right next to the phone just in case the call came in....I did not care if she was in a coma, not responding, or had a breathing tube. I knew she could hear me. I'd talk to her. I'd put her favorite show on tv so she could listen. I might read something to her. I knew all the nurses, the doctors, knew how to read all the monitors. I had a bag always in my car with everything Mom would need during a hospital visit.

There were at least 5 or 6 times the doctors did not think she would make it and she did. The final time she was in the hospital, none of us had a clue she'd die. We were all sure she'd recover like she had so many times before. We were all caught off guard and my Mother died.

Because of that, I guess I've become a pain in the ass to those friends I really care for and/or love. I 'preach' to them how important it is to spend quality time with family members and close friends (those that mean something to you). My broken footed friend has an 86-year-old mother. I've been lecturing him ever since he moved away and I lost my Mom that he should spend more time with his Mother.

Actually, same thing with my friend whose Mom currently has pneumonia. I've been preaching to him that he shouldn't work as much, should try to enjoy life a little more, and maybe spend quality time with family and (cough, cough LOL!) good friends.

I am stunned at how every time I get an update from my friends about their Mom, I revert back to reliving a pneumonia hospital stay with Mom.

I've said this before and will say it again, I will never say "I know how you feel" because I don't. And no one has ever or will ever know how I feel inside about anything currently going on in my life.

When my friend gives me a little tidbit on his Mom, I feel like I am standing in the hospital next to my Mother's hospital bed. There are times when I would like to say something, but I keep my mouth shut. All I can do is support my friends and hope they know I am there, 24/7. Though I may not know exactly how they feel, I've lived through this more times than most.

I do know the toll no sleep, worry, trying to maintain your daily responsibilities as well as spending as much waking time with your sick family member can have on the caregiver. I'm still recovering and honestly don't know if I will ever fully recover.

My friend's Mom has had good moments, bad moments, good again and bad again. Last I heard, she was on the upswing.

I believe in the power of prayer. I believe everything happens for a reason, when it is supposed to happen. We may never, ever understand why something happens until we die. But, I'm sure every single breath has a meaning and teaches a lesson or has an impact on someone.

I've really gleaned much since Mom's death. I know who I DO want to spend time with, who I DON'T!

Maybe after all these two very dear friends of mine have been through, they will add me to their list of people they cherish and they'd like to spend quality time with...before it's too late.

The memory-making machine in full gear

Staying on schedule VS Seeing good friends

Cleaning VS Making new memories

Getting enough sleep VS Catching up with long, lost friends

Thrifty VS Spending a little more $ than you have because you only live once

Working out VS any of the above (this is a tough one)

Tossing normal schedule out the window to spend quality time with someone very special?

This summer, after the last 18 months I've had....the last 5 years I've had....the last 8 years I've had, I've opted to focus on people rather than anything else.

I've gotten some criticism (including harsh words from myself because my to-do list continues growing and growing).

Then factor in the guy vs girl mentality. I know some great guys but if there is one common thread among 'most' men I know at least--they care more about 'things' and 'agendas' rather than people or memory-making.

I have one friend who is probably my best friend in the whole wide world. I love him to death. But he has the exact same schedule week in, week out --when he washes his car, goes to the grocery store, washes clothes, eats, gets up, visits with friends, blah blah blah. It drives me nuts. He'll come into town for a visit and I can pretty much set the stage for the week ahead.

Well, the last time he was in town, I tossed the rule book out the window and we had 'the best' week we'd ever had since he started coming back home.

That has been my summer and particularly this past week.

I know once the weather cools down, my nose will be to the grindstone to work in the yard, the house and attempt to catch up on everything I've neglected. It will get done.

Sunday I went to the Indians game with a girl from grade school and her daughter. What a fantastic time! Not only did we have a tremendous brunch together in the Terrace Club enjoying the Tampa Bay-Tribe Game, but I spent the rest of the day with Sheila, Loren and their whole family topped off with sharing a delicious home-cooked meal!

Monday night an old college friend, her daughter, and I caught up at the Yankees -Indians game. Kim and Lauren and I relived old memories and made some new ones as we got wrapped up in the "Will A-Rod hit his 600th home run phenomenon?" It actually was quite exciting whether you love or hate the Yankees. Every pitch to A-Rod, thousands of flash bulbs erupted just like a million points of light! I enjoyed seeing all the cars from New York spending money in our fine city!

Wednesday, I thought I was just meeting a friend to get my football tickets when we threw caution to the wind and decided to grab an impromptu lunch together to catch up. I had not seen Michael in over a year.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy 'things,' being organized, and having meticulous surroundings. I used to be the most organized person anyone knew and clean to a fault. That's a segment of my life which one day I will get back.

However, when you have 2 very close relatives taken from you unexpectedly, and your best friend is required to move 2000 miles away for a job, your outlook on life becomes slightly altered. You turn within to delve deep as to what is really important in life.

You seize each and every moment because the next moment may never come.

It's better to give than to receive!

Amen!

I just love giving gifts and seeing the reaction from the recipient!

We all had a great Christmas dinner and then the chaotic free-for-all frenzy which ensues afterward as there is no rhyme or reason as to 'what' and 'how' we carry out this yearly ritual.

The kids usually get the bulk of the gifts so we just keep pushing the boxes in front of them hoping that when they open our special gift, we see it.

I think everyone liked the gifts they received this year....some surprises.....and very heartfelt hand-made items.

I usually wind up doing the 'mad dash opening mine quickly' at the end so I can watch everyone else open their new acquisitions.

Always an energized exercise where everyone talks at the same time, and for really special gifts, you'll hear someone shout higher than the rest, 'OK everyone, get your cameras ready!' The paper goes flying, usually never making it into the 'makeshift' garbage bag where at least one person winds up getting pinged in the head.

Never fear, Sara usually winds up getting some type of 'accessory' to wear which she immediately puts on and wears for the rest of the festivities!

All in all, success achieved. We spent quality time with each other enjoying a great meal (with leftovers--always a plus)! Mom was definitely a present force in the midst of it all. We received some great gifts...

I can't explain the feeling I get, but it's good when we are all together and there is laughter, smiles from cheek to cheek, no worry or stress present, even if it's just for a few hours. The best gift that I can get from God and Santa Claus!

Quick tour of the Cultural Gardens

I really hate wasting time.

So when we had some free time between medical appointments today, I took Mom on a tour of the Cultural Gardens and University Circle.

Oh, she's been here before but a nice way to see the city on a beautiful day and NOT sitting in an office just waiting!

We whizzed around the Art Museum, Botanical Gardens, Natural History Museum, Crawford Auto Museum, Severance Hall then through the Cultural Gardens of Cleveland glancing at them one by one.....coming back atop the hill to see the flip side of many of them....

Quality time spent well with Mom as we enjoyed the sights and sounds of the city together!

Pencil me in for our 'usual' time

I have a friend I consider my 'best friend' though really, what is a best friend?

I'm quite judgemental (toward myself as well as others).

He flunks many of the 'pre-requisites' for being a 'best friend.'

But, for now, he'll do! Just kidding. He's a gem (though he does have his short comings! See what I mean!!).

He's over 2,000 miles away. And, I think, can he still be my 'best friend?'

We don't talk as often as we used to and definitely do not see each other as much.

When he lived in town, we were inseparable.

And though he was in town, we still spent hours and hours on the phone!


However, I think I still 'can' consider him one of my best friends.

Honestly, I speak to him at least twice a week if not more --which is more than I speak to anyone else on the phone, including family.

I only see him about twice a year --but in those weeks, we are inseparable. During those visits, I see him more than I see many other friends and family members all year long.


The problem is coordinating our phone talks and visits.

It seems the only time we can 'pencil each other in' for our meaningful talks on the phone occupies a very small window of opportunity.

It's that 15-30 minutes when I am just getting off of work, and so is he.

It's the time of day when it does not impede my work because I am off the clock but I have not gotten home to my 'more important' job in life of being a caregiver.

Once I put that hat on, everything flies out the window and I have no time for anyone, for anything, for me, even short phone conversations.


So, a few times a week, I'll give him a buzz on the ride home hoping he has 'pencilled me in for our usual talk time.'