I'm not just sitting around eating bon bons!

I think of myself as an extremely smart, ambitious, talented, fun-loving individual who has many interests, excels in problem solving, has impeccable organizational skills and so much more --who always pulls everything together so it works out just perfectly!

All great gifts given to me by God above--which I realize, thank Him for on a daily basis, and try to use so when I get to the pearly gates, he does not ask me 'WHY didn't you use the gifts I gave you?'

That said--I am smart enough to know that I am grieving the death of my Mother. And I am even smarter to know I should not fight it or be embarrassed about it--and others should be respectful of me and my grieving process!


I know Mom died. Trust me. I know this happens to everyone and we all must press onward! I've pressed onward many times in my life:

• when my Father abandoned us when I was a baby
• when Mom had a heart attack
• when my best friend's Mother died while we were in grade school
• when my Uncle was very ill and living with us
• when I heard an accident on the scanners which later I learned involved my Uncle & wound up taking his life
• when I was struck by a drunk driver who totalled my first car & got nothing
• when my Uncle was murdered though his wife covered it up
• when my dog passed away in my arms
• when my second car was totalled in my work parking garage & no one did anything to help
• when Mom got sick....and ultimately met her maker
• Oh the list is endless

Words stated to me verbally and in print over the last few days show that there are people who still don't get it, get me or ever got Mom.

There are actually people who think I am focusing on what I lost rather than what I have.


Holy Shit. What a crock! Yes, I swore.

1st off, I don't have time to focus on what I lost --I need to focus on the here and now as I am up to my ears in trying to straighten out Mom's business...it's a pain in the ass and something that no one else can do since no one else ever took a vested interest in Mom.


God has given me countless gifts and the best gift that He gave me WAS Mom and the labor of love of taking care of her. I would not exchange this gift for anything. I promised Mom many years ago that she would never live alone or in a nursing home. I would never abandon her. And I meant it. And I guess since I made that proclamation, it allowed everyone else in our lives to move on with their lives so many years ago, move out, and say sayonara over 5 years ago! God love them!

With this gift God gave me came responsibilities not given to anyone else, extra hardships no one else ever experienced, and so many challenges never imagined even after she passed--tedious and time consuming duties which no one else can even fathom.


I took care of Mom. And no one should ever criticize me or my grieving process. I thank God that Mom died before me because no one else really knew how to take care of her:

• her medicines, why she took them and when she had to take them
• her doctors, what each of them did, where they were, keeping her appts straight
• what food she was really supposed to eat and not eat
• how she liked her hot cereal--she'd complain anytime anyone else made it but me
• her lemonade with splenda
• taking her pills with applesauce rather than water
• how she had to be the leader when she walked and walking at HER pace rather than pulling her --like some did
• knowing her favorite nightgown
• which socks fit with certain shoes
• her favorite tv shows
• how she needed her favorite letter opener when opening the mail
• knowing she liked taking 2 clementines and 3 bags of cookies to dialysis
• making sure she had puffs in every pocket of every jacket at all times
• remind her to take her food pills after meals, especially if we were out
• taking her on numerous trips --no way in hell anyone else in our life would have even attempted to do this!
• The list is endless what I did for Mom --99% of the stuff people didn't even know.

So, I am ok with grieving the death of my Mom because she was my life and I was her life. The problem is not me --it's others who STILL are not respecting my thoughts, my feelings, my needs, my wants, and are STILL telling me how to feel and what to do!

The suggestions are flowing like beer at an Irish wake. People are telling me to move, to buy a house, where to move, to start living my own life, to take care of myself, to live it up, to save my money, to spend my money, to buy new clothes, to not buy new clothes, to spend time with my friends, to not spend time with my friends so I can take time for me, to get married, to stay single.....are you really gonna let me live my life or continue bossing me around?

For the record: My Mother died. That was traumatic enough for now. Though it is no one's business, I lost 50% of my monthy income. I know, some of you out there are jobless and homeless so you definitely are not empathizing with me. However, for me, at this time in my life, it may be very hard for me to buy a house let alone even move at this moment. For me personally, I can not take any more big upheavals in my life right now. I will go off the deep end.

For those of you who REALLY care for me--what I REALLY want is:

• to wrap up once and for all Mom's business affairs
• to get my affairs in order should I die so my current nightmare does not one day become someone else's
• to FIRST & FOREMOST work out every single day
• to not have to worry about my living conditions/location at this juncture
• to be able to pay off my credit cards
• to sock away some money since I took such a money hit with Mom's death
• to be able to focus on me since I've neglected myself for over 10 years
• again, to be able to get up in the morning and work out EVERY DAY, work out --what's that?
• to lose all the weight that I need to lose
• to get my head, my heart, my mind, my emotions, and my physical body stabilized before I make anymore moves
• And to have the freedom to grieve my Mom's death if necessary without being ostracized for doing so

Know that I don't sit around eating bon bons all day grieving!

I live and I am on the go and I talk to Mom & thank God every minute of every day for what he has and continues giving me.

I guess those nay-sayers have never really loved someone. Those people telling me to move on and get over it have cold ice in their veins.

I see a bird fly by and remember how Mom marveled at the tiny miracle made by God.

I hear Michael Symon's laugh and recall Mom saying time and time again how she loved his laugh (which I told him to his face by the way!).

I see Dave Duncan in the dug out on tv and remember how Mom wrote a letter to Bob DiBiasio of the Indians asking if he could get some Cleveland Indians' to send her daughter sweet 16 birthday cards --and I got dozens of them, including Dave Duncan!

I sit and watch one of MY favorite shows, the Golden Girls, and at times do get teary eyed because I see the relationship Dorothy has with Sophia and it conjures up so many wonderful memories.

Or I sing a line at Mass which reminds me of Mom so I tear up.

Or my friend Louie tells me "I love you more" which Mom would say to me all the time!

I have moved forward and love life and living life. I have accomplished so much since October 26th. No one else I know could have done what I have done! I am tooting my own horn. I am one in a million and impressive! I know we can not always get what we want! Things can not always be orchestrated to suit our needs. I'm sure in the near future there will be many, many more challenges and bumps in the road and even disasters where I feel I can not go on or I have no where to turn. I have God. I thank God profusely for giving me feelings and memories and allowing me to be a kind and caring person who actually has emotions. And yes, sometimes having emotions and feelings gets the best of me --especially since my Mother died less than 4 months ago.

But I'd rather have emotions and cry and feel sad and happy and a rainbow of feelings every single day of my life than have ice running through my veins!