Mom's rainbow strikes again

One year ago today, Mom met her Maker.

I can not fathom that one year ago Mom was alive. She blew me a kiss, waved and smiled at all of us, even poked fun at my oldest niece, and just a few hours later while resting, while holding my hand and my sister's hand, took her last breath joining God in Heaven.

The first year has been hell. I lost my best friend, my Mother, my companion, the only person who really needed me and loved me more than anyone I've ever encountered.

Every single experience, every single day of my life since then was a 'first.'

Oh, I've had hundreds of people (if not more) give me advice, tell me how I should feel, tell me how my life will progress, even tell me to 'get over it.'

I will never get over this. So to those of you who can't deal with me and how I am now, you get over it!

I have gone through progressions, and ironically, see those same progressions in my Aunt after she lost her husband (our uncle /father figure) back in April.

Just because the phase changes a bit does not mean the feeling inside, depression, emptiness, or downright horror changes.

I do enjoy life. That's one trait I learned from Mom. Live life to the fullest. God is good! Life is good! However, there are never 'good days' or 'bad days.' There are changing hours in the course of a day --the spectrum from being jubilant one moment to bursting into tears sobbing so hard I can't breathe the next, all in a 24-hour span.

I do know Mom is constantly with me. I see tangible signs. But, being with me in spirit is definitely not the same as being with me in person. That's for sure.

I started on the road to recovery in March when a group of wonderful grade school friends reunited and spent an amazing evening catching up.

I was doing very well in April when I communed with my best college friends for a long weekend.

Then May and June were magical. I re-connected with a school buddy who saved me. They may not want to admit it but they are the reason I finally took down my Christmas decorations on May 16, 2010. They gave me the oomph to start working out again and a reason to live.

I adore summer....I visited a dear friend in FLA a few times....I neglected my home and everything to spend quality time with people. It's hard to explain to most but people were/are much more important to me rather than a clean house, a weeded flower bed, or everything really. I just kept saying --one minute Mom was there and the next, she was gone. That's how I regard people now. That's why when I can't spend the time I want with certain people I really care about, I become very saddened. One minute they may be there, but the next they may be gone.

Plus, I did not and still don't have the energy to clean, go through anything in the house, or tackle my 'to do' list.

Unfortunately, the colder weather keeps fading in and out....and my May buddy has since moved on causing my depression to resurface. I'm still lacking energy and the zest to do a gosh darn thing. I am again on a down spiral crashing to the bottom of the well.

All month, I've been quite emotional. I know my family is probably experiencing some kind of reaction and even Mom's very close friends. I mask it very well. I do what I need to do. I give 100 percent at work, at church, with my singing, and everything I undertake. What I falter with and fail at is me, my personal goals. I constantly let myself down.

What does boost me at times is how every day at least one person tells me how much they think of Mom--all different people from all walks of life.

I requested this day off at the beginning of the year hoping to attend Mass and spend time with my family.

I did not really have a clue as to how I'd feel or where I'd be.

Never in a million years did I ever imagine the day Mom would send us.

Yes, it has been bittersweet.

A former co-worker of mine just passed away and her wake was today. I knew it would be difficult but Mom always taught us to pay our last respects so I was not going to let Mom down. I showed up at the funeral home not even thinking who I may see ....thinking I'd pay my respects and be gone after a few minutes.

I arrived and saw one of my best friends in the whole wide world, who greeted me at the door. If that's not Mom's handiwork, I don't know what it is.

The people I saw at Donna's wake boosted my spirits. I know that's quite morbid to say your spirits were boosted at a wake, but they were.

I truly believe Mom was watching over me.

She sent a beautiful thunderstorm, which handcuffed me.

Mom also knows that I adore rainstorms, especially if I don't have to work during them! I got caught in the rain, drenched, and loved every minute of it!

I ran a few errands which I'd been putting off for months --errands that Mom and I used to do together.

I attended Mass with my Aunt and Sister --even did the reading and distributed the wine.

But what was to come, an amazing sight.

While the family gathered at Trattoria in Little Italy, the most beautiful rainbow stretched across the entire sky right above our restaurant. Mom strikes again --as she did on Thanksgiving and once over the summer when I needed her most to show me a sign.

I rushed out and took a picture.

But more importantly, the family and friends who saw the very same rainbow and thought of Mom paralyzed me. I got text messages from dear friends saying 'I just saw the most amazing rainbow and thought of your Mom." I logged onto Facebook sharing our experience and got a slew of friends writing back saying the 1st person they thought of when seeing the rainbow was Mom.

Mom WILL be with me and the rest of my family always and forever. I have faith and have always believed.

I talk to her every day asking for strength.

Mom solved every single problem while she was alive, continues solving my problems from Heaven, and will never cease to amaze me at the countless, tangible signs she sends for all to see.

I love you Mom --a bazillion, catrillion times more!!! xo

Gotta have faith --in God, humankind, yourself

Mom would razz me because I always saw the good in everyone, but at the same time so proud because she passed on and taught us all that particular character flaw.

There were 3 boys in grade school who were, let's say, mischievous. Yes, that's it. Ok, at times they were downright bad.

However, they were always very nice to me and never wanted anything from me in return (no cheating on tests, nothing like that). I was not intimidated by their antics nor juvenile delinquent acts.

I was always willing to help them and lend a hand. Others in class were amazed that I was not afraid of the terrible three.

I wasn't. In fact, there was one I was kinda sweet on in the second grade. He was cute! (Ha ha, just imagine a 2nd year old saying that--'he's cuuuuuute!')

As they got older their misdemeanor acts turned to felonies, yet I still kept the faith.

1 of them is a great guy. 1 of them I lost touch with, and unfortunately, the third one's history caught up with him and he is no longer with us.

I never ever lost faith in the trio.

Saturday's "Heroes for Northeast Ohio" brought back my faith in humankind (or at least a little of it for a smidge of time). I worked the food drive from a little after it began until the very end.

As usual Northeast Ohio came through again, as they always do. I worked the Bainbridge/Aurora site. The amount of food, coats, clothes, toys, and money gathered during that 6 hour span unbelievable.

First of all, the volunteers who gave of their time spectacular.

Small children walking up literally giving the coat off their back....parents going inside Wal Mart and coming out with bags of items to donate.

The stream of givers constant.

Cars driving up with dozens of coats and bags full of toys for those who have nothing.

I know humans have it in them. Sometimes it's hard for them to pull the trigger, especially if their life is rough. But in the end, usually human kind comes through and does the right thing.

I never really give up on humankind, though at times, certain individuals disappoint.

And again, the constant thread through my entire life: Mom. Mom always taught from the very beginning, "God is good." "Keep the faith." "Never lose faith, especially in God, yourself, others."

And as usual, Mom was right. Let's face it, my Mother was never wrong. Even though we are approaching the one year anniversary of her death, she teaches me a lesson every day and STILL is correct.

As you all know, Mom and I are the biggest Cleveland Indians' fans...all Cleveland, all sports really. Mom NEVER gave up on the Tribe, the Cavs, or the Browns.

As I took in God's warm sunshine Sunday during the Cleveland Browns' game in near 80 degree temperatures, I heard Mom saying 'keep the faith. The Browns WILL pull through and win this game.' And son of a gun, they beat the World Champion New Orleans Saints.

We have and will continue getting mocked, especially when it comes to our sports teams. But, I will NEVER ever give up. I believe and will always believe in the heart and soul of Cleveland Sports.

My hardest task is keeping the faith in myself. I second guess myself all the time. I disappoint myself constantly. I fall short of my goals and expectations and beat myself up worse than anyone. When others treat me like dirt, ignore me, or don't make me a priority, I think that's how I should treat myself. Well, it's not. I need to work on loving myself like God loves me. If others who I hold in very high esteem disappoint, let me down, sadden me, even to the point of tears, I have to shake it off and look within. I need to realize God made me and he did not make S _ _ T! I have to pray to God and ask him for the strength and the faith to endure others' human frailties.

As Mom always said, 'gotta keep the faith Babe!'

One of God's greatest gifts: dogs

Before non-dog lovers start on me, you can interchange 'dogs' with 'all pets.'

But, I'm going to go back to my first premise because I personally believe that one of God's greatest gifts to humans & the world is the dog.

If you read dog backward, hmmmm, you have god.

My family has had animals including dogs my entire life. We've had cats, birds, mice, hamsters, frogs, fish, you name it, we had it!

One reason I am not a huge cat lover is because our cat was an absolute terror climbing the curtains and attacking our bird! However, my Aunt has always had cats and hers are precious. They even named one of their cats after me, so I do hold a little love in my heart for the furry, purring pet!

All of our animals had character. One of our hamsters would get loose but we always knew where to find it, downstairs in the basement in its special little place.

My Mom was a saint because technically I am allergic to certain breeds of dogs but just love them all so. We'd get a dog and when they got older, after Mom trained them, we had to get rid of a few of them.

One of the dogs we had, a schnoodle, was a good fit but came from a bad breeder and died.

Oh, the stories we have over our entire lives!

Dogs (and all animals really) know when something is going to happen and sense emotions. They may not be able to speak but if you know your dog, they DO speak to you. They can tell if an earthquake or big storm is approaching by their antics --so watch your dogs!

They know if you've had a death in the family and are sad or if there is reason to celebrate.

My favorite dog, Katie, was the absolute best! She was a doll. My sister and Mom got her for my youngest niece but she quickly became 'mine.' I had a special call to get her to come to me....and when she really wanted something, she went to Mom because she knew who was boss and who'd get action!

Oh, I could go on and on with all the wonderful stories about Katie. She endeared herself to the entire family and anyone who met her. Just ask anyone who has looked through the 4 or 5 picture albums of Katie!

When she was a puppy, if you were laying on your stomach on the floor or couch, she'd pop up on you and sit smack dab in the middle of your booty! I can not even believe how small she was when we got her so many years ago! We gave her to Colleen for Christmas....

Dogs love unconditionally. They don't care the mistakes we made, how we look, what we have or don't have. They do sense when something is wrong and come snuggle with us.

My youngest niece has 2 dogs which used to live with us, so I have another special place in my heart for those girls.....but my oldest niece's dog has won me over as well!

About a month ago, little Zoey got sick. It was quite out of character for her but after a huge storm, which blew a bunch of stuff on the floor, she got into a few things she was not supposed to get into. She scared the bejeebers out of all of us. I can honestly say I was on pins and needles for 48 hours on the verge of tears every time I thought of what happened. Finally when I got the word that she was ok and home from the hospital, I just burst into tears of joy.

My friend from Tampa could not believe that I got so attached and emotional over a dog. Well, first, he's a guy and .....well, there's no excuse for anyone not treating a dog (or animal) as part of the family.

The last few weeks of Katie's life were awful. She could not walk and everything was shutting down. I'd carry her outside to try and do her business. I'd carry her everywhere. I hand fed her, if she would even eat. I took her to the vet every single day for them to give her an IV. Finally, they realized she was not going to get better. They really did not know what was happening with her system but could not cure her. She had medical problems, she was getting older and it was probably just her time to meet God.

When she died, we lost a family member, not just a pet. I carried a heavy heart for months. Not only had a dear friend moved out of the state but now my best friend had passed away. There were songs that came on the radio that reminded me of Katie that would make me burst into tears. I think it took about 6 months, at least, before I could listen to and sing this particular song all the way through tear-free.

I do know that Katie (and now Mom) are up in Heaven as my guardian angels. I could not make it through a day were it not for their support and watchful eyes.

All of these memories came flooding back as someone I consider to be a very, very dear friend lost one of his dogs this week. When I heard that he was sad, my heart dropped to the ground. I knew it could have only been one thing causing his sadness. This dog was so precious. What a great, loving animal.

I felt handcuffed to do anything to help. On one hand, I refuse to ever say "I know how you feel" yet I had a slim idea.

I know how I am when I am depressed or saddened. Sometimes you want to be alone, sometimes you need someone to embrace you. And many times you are so beside yourself, you can not even communicate what you need.

I tried contacting him but never got any responses.

My first inkling was to call but then I hung up the phone thinking maybe he does not want calls right now.

I have a way of second guessing myself and never doing the right thing. I don't know if I helped him in anyway with my written thoughts of encouragement. I feel as if I failed as a friend with this crisis. I know that losing a pet is just as traumatic as losing a human friend.

I can only hope that his pooch is guarding over him right now from Heaven taking away some of his grief and that God is taking away the rest of his sadness. And if he needs me, I hope that he knows I am ALWAYS there for him. All he has to do is reach out, and I will be there.

Apple cider makin' time again!

God has really given me a tremendous life surrounded by family, friends, and the ability to see his miracles in my daily existence.

My weekends are usually jam-packed and entertaining. This one did not disappoint and I was actually quite excited in the days leading up to the festivities.

I did have a full plate but back-timed everything perfectly.

The first main event was attending Jamie and Lori's 5th annual Cider Press Party! Jamie and I go back almost 30 years to our college days. I knew we'd always stay friends. There's just that initial connection which you know will last.

Lori's cooking prowess rules the kingdom. Holy cow. Not only do they make the delicious apple cider with their cider press contraption but Lori makes home made pumpkin soup and was cranking out the fresh apple fritters, which were to die for....

There's never a shortage of tantalizing food and beverage.

I enjoy seeing these two because they are two of the nicest people you could ever meet....and there are usually a handful of other folks from college or that I've met and seen at this bash in years past.

On a more serious note, Jamie and Lori are one of only a few married couple friends who continuously include me and welcome me with open arms. Most of my married friends exclude me. My single friends have boyfriends, girlfriends, or always have to travel in pairs, as Noah advised. My married male friends can't seem to grasp that they really are allowed to have female friends. And many married female friends have moved on. I seem to be odd girl out, and though that's awkward for me at times, it really makes so many others even more uncomfortable.

I thank them from the bottom of my heart. I am so blessed and humbled that God allowed our paths to crisscross and continue meeting up at strategic points, it seems, just when I need that boost and encouragement as do they.

Next stop--meeting my few single friends for an OSU party. Though the outcome was not what we all wanted, it was quite exciting. I really had not been out with these friends for a while...we just hung out, caught up, drank beer (I never drink beer anymore), laughed, and let off some steam.

There had to be hundreds of folks, dozens of big screen tvs, not a parking spot in sight so we all needed to valet. No matter who you were, what you did, where you came from, there was a bond and everyone was there for the very same reason --to watch OSU. It was very cool and you made new friends along the way!

There were a few bittersweet moments. I saw someone I knew and really wanted to chat with....but circumstances did not permit and steered us otherwise. I have to be totally honest. It really sucks when you want to spend more time with someone you adore and it's virtually impossible. It's like being handcuffed, held back, helpless, frustrating to no end.

Fortunately, the folks I had just been with pulled me through, as did my Tampa buddy.

Unfortunately, when nights, days, or moments like this occur, my only outlet is either getting on the treadmill and going miles and miles or blasting the music and sobbing myself to sleep, which is the option I chose this night.

Fortunately, a new day is usually around the corner, and though the sadness is still there sometimes, you gotta press on...I did have something else to look forward to on Sunday. Yes, I was excited to see Colt McCoy QB for the Browns, win or lose. But I was gonna see my niece's dogs and get to play with them all night long! Ah, that's just what we did. We all ordered out for Chinese and played with Zoey and Izzy. Thankfully, they were just what the doctor ordered, for a quick fix at least, after my previous late night emotional distress breakdown.

One of the best birthday gifts Mom gave the world

Emotion overload. That's the only way I can describe how I feel at this particular moment.

The circuit breaker can not take too much more.

Honestly, it's a good emotional overload.

Today is Mom's birthday. Happy Birthday, Mom!

I'm still having a very hard time grappling with the fact that one year ago today, Mom was alive. She was not feeling great, but we just celebrated her tremendous 80th birthday party at the Terrace Club which thrilled her to no end.

She was still talking with me, loving me, my companion and best friend.

I'm not going to sugar coat anything--I miss her so much it hurts. She was my Mother, my best friend, the reason I got up in the morning. She loved me more than anyone ever has, and more than likely, more than anyone ever will. She loved me with my extra poundage, my flaws, my faults and simply did not care about any of those items.

Contrary to what everyone tells me, I will never get over her death and what I am feeling now will never ever diminish.

Compounding the emotional overload is probably the biggest story of the year--the Chilean miners being rescued one by one, successfully.

I have no doubt in my mind that my Mom, Marianne, gave the world one hell of a birthday gift today as she assisted in some small way in making this miracle happen.

I stayed up for over 24 hours straight on my nephew's birthday. I'm not sure why but I did and I remember it as if it were yesterday...

I have stayed up for over 24 hours straight on Mom's birthday. I could not turn the miner rescue off last night and continued watching it to it's completion today.

It's been a wonderful day. Began the day attending Mass for Mom with Auntie. Starting the day off at church sets a tremendous tone for the rest of the day.

A dear friend from college sent me a wonderful poem about someone's first birthday in Heaven. Yes, it made me cry, but it was so beautiful. Thank you Dale.

A different work schedule, more Chilean miner activity.

Then heading home to continue watching the miner rescue as we had Mom's favorite meal from the Academy Tavern.

I can't even fathom the day Mom had. She's with family who've gone before her. She's with friends, people she admires, my dog Katie. Being human and finite, I can not even imagine what's happening in Heaven. But, I know one thing for sure. Mom is healthy, happy, the life of the party as usual. And, I'm sure she's saved me a piece of her birthday cake for when we meet again.

The entire day was perfect from start to finish. It had Mom's hand stamp all over it.

Thank you Mom and Happy Birthday! I love you more!!!!

Adopted teams & adopted families help me cope with my exhaustion

Be careful what you wish for....

When I was a small girl watching 2 of Mom & my favorite movies: 'Working Girl' with Melanie Griffith and Harrison Ford...and then 'Baby Boom' with Diane Keaton, I said: "I want to be like those women."

WRONG!

The last 19 months of being like those women intermixed with a number of true tragedies have taken their toll on me. Literally.

I am suffering from exhaustion. It's not funny, I'm not joking. I'm mentally, emotionally, and more importantly, physically exhausted.

I thank a number of people who have helped me battle through this condition. My Aunt (and Jimmy) and I have spent time together and shared many meals. In fact, I feel as if we're a new food critic team! We've hit Grotto, Menu 6, and Clifton Deli and they get thumbs up (after we've licked the plates & fingers clean!). Thank you Auntie for making sure I keep my strength up!

My 'adopted' baseball team (in light of the fact that my real baseball team is on hiatus), the Tampa Bay Rays, have been exciting to watch. It's helped me and my best friend bond even more....there are times when, even though we are 2000 miles apart, we'll watch the games together! And this past weekend, he kept texting me the score of the Tampa-Texas game since I was not by a television. It was just awesome! I even wore my Evan Longoria t-shirt to work Saturday morning. I'm sure that's what put them over the top and gave them a little luck!

And I was fortunate to spend part of the weekend with one of my 'adopted families.' I don't want to say they are new because I've known Sheila my entire life. But I guess getting to know her family is fresh and new.

I went to school with Sheila's sister...and we all re-connected on facebook over the last 8 or so months. What a treat! I met Sheila's daughters back in March and we immediately hit it off. We all have been friends ever since. They have put a little life back into my step and have truly shown me that there are still people around who care.

Sheila is a fabulous cook. Being around caring friends and eating a delicious meal really helped me start re-charging my battery, especially on this summery weekend in the 80's. Just what the doctor truly ordered.

I'm lucky and blessed to have friends like Sheila....Craig.... as well as my family. I will not mask it or hide it. My emotions are shot. The death of my Mother, my Uncle, other tragedies and life-changing occurrences in my life which began back in March of 2009 are finally taking their toll on me.

Unfortunately, I'm disappointed in a few people as well, which does not help my emotional tumble off the cliff. I know we can't change others...but there are a few folks I'd really like to spend more time with...I thought they were there for me and up until a few months ago, it seemed as if they were. Maybe they are going through hard times too? Who knows? Feeling like you've been pushed to the curb or dumped does not help the state I'm in.

I am my Mother's daughter and will not be defeated. But I am human. I push and push and push myself and so many others come to me for assistance to be their rock. Most of the time, I am. Right now, it's like I'm in quicksand. But soon, I'll be back and better than ever!

Do you like 1 or 2?

I felt like I was at the eye doctor.

You know that awkward time when she is testing your eye strength and keeps showing you the same letters at varying strengths?

Which is clearer? 1 or 2? Now? Now? Now?

Well, today I had my picture taken for the church directory. What a harrowing experience.

Aside from the fact that I do not think I look good in most pictures and may one day look a little more pleasing if I lost about 75 pounds, it was truly awful.

The photographer did not do anything at all to make me look flattering or the best I could look. In fact, in 2 poses, I almost got whiplash turning my head all the way around so she could 'showcase my long, curly hair.' That's fine and dandy. I may look a little better in a neck brace?!

Then when they take you into their office to let you look at the pictures hoping to make a gold mine off of you is where it gets very interesting!

She tried selling me a whole slew of wallet sized pictures. First of all, I hate the picture. There is absolutely no way on God's green earth I will ever pass them out to my family, friends, or even at Halloween (well, maybe that's a good idea --Id' surely scare the kiddies!).

But I listened to what she had to say. It's very funny how they agree with your choice. The perfect salesperson. You could choose the picture that is atrocious and they'd say, "Ya know, I was going to suggest that one --it's simply fabulous!"

As we went through I believe all 6 pictures she took --sure enough, "1 or 2.....now which one.....ok, which one here?" Finally, I picked the one that was the least offensive, got a frame, and said tally ho!

Saw 'the social network' with a fb re-connection

I've been very blessed to continue catching up with family and friends even though summer is winding down...

You all know my mantra--life is too short....live each day as if it were your last and cherish your family and friends each and every day.

Quite the irony this past weekend as I took in 'the social network' with a college friend who I re-connected with on facebook. Go figure! It was awesome. And then both of us got home from the movie and the first thing we did simultaneously was log onto facebook.

Creatures of habit I guess.

Seriously, the movie was very entertaining, well directed, written, acted out --pretty much well 'everything!'

Regardless of the drama and story behind how this social media giant came to be, it's a very good tool for re-connecting. That's mainly why I use it.

I do not have enough hours in the day as it is to successfully live my life. I am not going to waste the precious hours I do have by playing games on facebook or any area of the Internet. I do like that I've re-connected with grade school, high school, college friends, and former co-workers.

That aspect quite the serendipity for me!

Unforgettable moment

I've discussed this before.

Some days I can not recall what I did an hour ago while other memories are unforgettable.

A few weeks ago, the great Doctor Robert J. White passed away at his home in Geneva. Dr. White is known around the world for being one of the best neurosurgeons in the world. He's also known world-wide for being an advisor and doctor to numerous Pontiffs.

We are blessed and lucky to know him as a very humble man who adored Mom, went to my church, attended daily mass, and was never too busy to visit or speak with you.

Growing up, I remember seeing the White clan at church Sunday after Sunday when the kids were growing up. As they grew up, moved, and moved on, Dr. White was still a pillar at daily and weekly mass.

With Mom being the church secretary, he'd speak with her often and took an interest in her health. Both had their strong faith and devotion which anchored their friendship.

One of the all-time greatest moments in my life as reader and Eucharistic Minister was the day I gave Dr. White communion.

The reality of it is that we are all God's children. And Dr. Robert White was as humble and real as they come.

However, to me, he was an icon, a hero. He saved lives. He was not God, but he helped people and oftentimes saved their lives if it was not time for them to see their Maker.

The fact that I was distributing the Body of Christ to one of my heroes brought me to tears and sent chills up and down my spine.

I will never ever forget that moment as long as I live.

Another very distinct honor I had was assisting in the singing at Dr. White's Memorial Service. Mom always told me, "You have a God-given talent. Use it. Those who sing pray twice!" So how could I mess with Mom, her directives, and not use one of my God-given talents.

I was honored and humbled to sing the entire Mass as well as solo Ave Maria during the service. I was even more taken aback when I ran into a longtime competitor after the service who put two and two together and was just gushing at my singing.

Another sign that we all have God-given talents and there is so much more to each person on this earth. Never diminish anyone. God has put us all here for a reason, whether we know why or not.

Every single funeral I sing, I look up to Heaven and pray that those I love dearly and the person who I am honoring can hear my gift to them and are smiling down on me and all of us.