Tangled in a spider web, sinking in a sand trap

Against my better judgement, I've gotten sucked into the huge spider web and can't seem to find my way out. Or I feel like I'm sinking in a sand trap.

Though I'd rather meet someone in person, get to know them, and make new memories 'THAT' way, I've gotten roped into the way kids today talk: via texting.

I enjoy conversing with my new text buddy but my head is spinning. We chat like buddies then we have crazy conversations like we are more than buddies.

Frankly, I am confused. We've discussed soooooo much, I do feel as if I know him. I do feel akin to him and I've told him absolutely EVERYTHING about me. I can share anything and everything with him. I feel so comfortable with this fellow human being. But there is no freaking way I should let myself get attached to anyone until I meet them in person. That has not happened thus far and every time I ask if it will, there is no definitive answer and I wind up in the dog house.

Last week after I received a text of six little words, I actually ran to the bathroom at work and threw up. Yes, it was stupid. First, ridiculous thinking I knew what my text buddy was saying in the context of a text. I will be the first person to say text messages are meaningless. They are words that could go anyway and you don't know what they mean until you hear them in person.

Second, to get upset over a guy is going against everything I believe in--no one should get upset over a guy via text, over the phone or in person.

Yet, yes, I feel close to this kid. I so would like to start a friendship, friends only situation, with this awesome individual. There have been dozens and dozens of signs over the last three weeks convincing me that we should be friends. I believe in signs. When two people text the same message to each other at the same time, it's a sign. That's what happened one night during a thunderstorm. When in casual conversation I shared the random fact that I love the smell of Skoal Wintergreen and that's his brand, I take that as a sign. When I tell him one of my favorite beers is Molson Ice and he is drinking that beer at the time, that's a sign. There have been so many other coincidences that I can not let this friendship go, not just yet.

Not sure what's swirling around in his head about me? I'd like to think he feels the same bit I just don't know.

Yes, I got so upset over a guy it made me physically ill. It was an absolutely chaotic hour. And what really gets me is that I was messaging a friend of mine....and my text buddy was responding to the texts I was sending my friend. That irked me a bit. I wanted to talk to my friend in confidence and it appeared as if she was sharing my situation with my text buddy by his responses to me..... not good.

It was a crazy 48 hours filled with emotion. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this situation. All I can do is first and foremost pray to God and Mom to help me, to give me the strength to do nothing and put this situation in their hands off of my shoulders. Next, I just need to be me, be the person Mom taught me to be, be a good friend and a good Christian and hope that in the end, I will have been a good friend to my new text buddy.

They have tons happening in their life, but so do I.

Fortunately, Saturday night, when I received another text that seemed like our friendship had been disbanded I was with two very very good friends who told me how lucky I was, who reminded me they and so many other good people are in my life and conked me on the head telling me how absolutely blessed I am.

I would not in any way shape or form hand back the last 21 days for the world. I've enjoyed conversations with my new friend. I've enjoyed meeting, if only via text, someone that 3 weeks ago wasn't even a blip on my radar. He has made me smile every single day for the last 21 days. I've been on cloud 9.

God is good. I need to keep saying that....God is good....God is in charge. What will be will be and God never ever hands us anything we can not handle.

At the very least, this summer in my life --May thru the present, will make one hell of a romance novel! Thank God I've been taking notes and jotting down the most important memories! Whew hoo! I am the glass full girl and I, of anyone, know how to make delicious lemonade when handed a basket of sour lemons! HA!

Mom's rainbow strikes again

One year ago today, Mom met her Maker.

I can not fathom that one year ago Mom was alive. She blew me a kiss, waved and smiled at all of us, even poked fun at my oldest niece, and just a few hours later while resting, while holding my hand and my sister's hand, took her last breath joining God in Heaven.

The first year has been hell. I lost my best friend, my Mother, my companion, the only person who really needed me and loved me more than anyone I've ever encountered.

Every single experience, every single day of my life since then was a 'first.'

Oh, I've had hundreds of people (if not more) give me advice, tell me how I should feel, tell me how my life will progress, even tell me to 'get over it.'

I will never get over this. So to those of you who can't deal with me and how I am now, you get over it!

I have gone through progressions, and ironically, see those same progressions in my Aunt after she lost her husband (our uncle /father figure) back in April.

Just because the phase changes a bit does not mean the feeling inside, depression, emptiness, or downright horror changes.

I do enjoy life. That's one trait I learned from Mom. Live life to the fullest. God is good! Life is good! However, there are never 'good days' or 'bad days.' There are changing hours in the course of a day --the spectrum from being jubilant one moment to bursting into tears sobbing so hard I can't breathe the next, all in a 24-hour span.

I do know Mom is constantly with me. I see tangible signs. But, being with me in spirit is definitely not the same as being with me in person. That's for sure.

I started on the road to recovery in March when a group of wonderful grade school friends reunited and spent an amazing evening catching up.

I was doing very well in April when I communed with my best college friends for a long weekend.

Then May and June were magical. I re-connected with a school buddy who saved me. They may not want to admit it but they are the reason I finally took down my Christmas decorations on May 16, 2010. They gave me the oomph to start working out again and a reason to live.

I adore summer....I visited a dear friend in FLA a few times....I neglected my home and everything to spend quality time with people. It's hard to explain to most but people were/are much more important to me rather than a clean house, a weeded flower bed, or everything really. I just kept saying --one minute Mom was there and the next, she was gone. That's how I regard people now. That's why when I can't spend the time I want with certain people I really care about, I become very saddened. One minute they may be there, but the next they may be gone.

Plus, I did not and still don't have the energy to clean, go through anything in the house, or tackle my 'to do' list.

Unfortunately, the colder weather keeps fading in and out....and my May buddy has since moved on causing my depression to resurface. I'm still lacking energy and the zest to do a gosh darn thing. I am again on a down spiral crashing to the bottom of the well.

All month, I've been quite emotional. I know my family is probably experiencing some kind of reaction and even Mom's very close friends. I mask it very well. I do what I need to do. I give 100 percent at work, at church, with my singing, and everything I undertake. What I falter with and fail at is me, my personal goals. I constantly let myself down.

What does boost me at times is how every day at least one person tells me how much they think of Mom--all different people from all walks of life.

I requested this day off at the beginning of the year hoping to attend Mass and spend time with my family.

I did not really have a clue as to how I'd feel or where I'd be.

Never in a million years did I ever imagine the day Mom would send us.

Yes, it has been bittersweet.

A former co-worker of mine just passed away and her wake was today. I knew it would be difficult but Mom always taught us to pay our last respects so I was not going to let Mom down. I showed up at the funeral home not even thinking who I may see ....thinking I'd pay my respects and be gone after a few minutes.

I arrived and saw one of my best friends in the whole wide world, who greeted me at the door. If that's not Mom's handiwork, I don't know what it is.

The people I saw at Donna's wake boosted my spirits. I know that's quite morbid to say your spirits were boosted at a wake, but they were.

I truly believe Mom was watching over me.

She sent a beautiful thunderstorm, which handcuffed me.

Mom also knows that I adore rainstorms, especially if I don't have to work during them! I got caught in the rain, drenched, and loved every minute of it!

I ran a few errands which I'd been putting off for months --errands that Mom and I used to do together.

I attended Mass with my Aunt and Sister --even did the reading and distributed the wine.

But what was to come, an amazing sight.

While the family gathered at Trattoria in Little Italy, the most beautiful rainbow stretched across the entire sky right above our restaurant. Mom strikes again --as she did on Thanksgiving and once over the summer when I needed her most to show me a sign.

I rushed out and took a picture.

But more importantly, the family and friends who saw the very same rainbow and thought of Mom paralyzed me. I got text messages from dear friends saying 'I just saw the most amazing rainbow and thought of your Mom." I logged onto Facebook sharing our experience and got a slew of friends writing back saying the 1st person they thought of when seeing the rainbow was Mom.

Mom WILL be with me and the rest of my family always and forever. I have faith and have always believed.

I talk to her every day asking for strength.

Mom solved every single problem while she was alive, continues solving my problems from Heaven, and will never cease to amaze me at the countless, tangible signs she sends for all to see.

I love you Mom --a bazillion, catrillion times more!!! xo