A debate I grapple with each day.
Am I 'settling?'
Or do I just realize that no one is perfect, we are human and perfection is rare.
I strive for perfection each and every day.
Unfortunately, I am of the high strung personality wanting for perfection from everyone around me as well.
Usually, those around me fall short of my demands or requests.
That does not mean I have to conform.
I will always push myself to the limit and excel in all I do striving to be the best.
Does that go for relationships too?
I must be honest.
I was never the girl who got the guy.
In grade school I had my crushes, a little puppy love, drama that only my best friend Joan knew about, but never really had a boyfriend.
It did not help being the 'tom boy.'
In high school, I studied to get the good marks and it paid off.
In college, when I finally possessed the maturity for the steady relationships, they still did not pan out. The guys I fell for who felt the same about me had a 'high school sweetheart' back home. We could fool around and hang out with the knowledge that absolutely nothing would come of this.
On the flip side, other males I hung with never even made a pass. I got quite the low self esteem complex. Thankfully, years later, I learned they were gay. Finally, I realized it was not me! I still had sex appeal.
Fast forward to the 'real world' and being a grown up.
Deja vu. Still the perfectionist. Never believed in meeting people in bars...when it comes to men, 1st impressions meant something (and I'm sure it goes the same way for men's first impressions of me).
Never was the girl who would flirt in a bar, or string a man along just to get free drinks out of him. Never done it and never will.
The guys I fell for had girl friends 'back home' wherever that may be, Trumbull County, Columbus, wherever, or worse, wives!
There was 'Mango Man' who I dated for 6 months. He was amazing. However, he was a lover of women. He wound up going back to his girlfriend Ann and marrying her but when I saw him down in Atlanta, he was with another woman. There is no other way to describe this hot G-Q cover guy except to say he was a true 'lover of all women.' I would rather have had that 6 months than none at all.
I would never carouse with a married man. However, came close once when I sat for hours talking to the nicest guy after the Al Stewart Concert, only to find out at the end of the evening he was married. He called a handful of times. I remember it as if it were yesterday. I was supposed to meet him the night of the awful East 87th Street fire. My relief never showed so I had to work a double. Well, it was a sign....I was not supposed to let that friendship go any further and was meant to be on the news desk the night of one of the most tragic fires in Cleveland's history.
As usual, I entrenched myself in my career! My wacky schedule did not help my social life, but that's no excuse.
So nearly 13 years ago when I met someone who was like no one I had ever met before: funny, good looking, interesting, smart, fantastic memory, wild, smelled amazing, had my passion for music, traveling, sports, (and rum), I said "here we go again."
How will this end? Will he have a girlfriend 'back home?" Will he be gay? Will his first impression of me be awful? Will there be some other 'deep dark' secret?
Well, it has not ended yet. But, it's not what I envisioned.
For 8 years I had a companion to attend concerts, events, a travel partner, a chillin' friend, and someone to talk to into the wee hours of the morning. And we would talk. I thought I had made a connection because I don't like talking to anyone. Never spoke on the phone, still don't. I am shy and introverted, yet I could talk to my pal for 4 hours at a time. I was amazed.
We got each other out of some pretty serious jams....
I have to be honest, I've been there for him more than he for me. It's not a contest. But, at times, a one-sided, lop-sided friendship. However, for 8 years, was I 'settling' just to have someone and not be alone. The adage, something is better than nothing?
Folks who saw us over those 8 years thought we were a couple. Even his brother would introduce me as his girlfriend. At times, I thought we were a couple. Was I mislead, hoping for that perfect union, or just 'settling' for my security blanket?
Over the last 4 and 1/2 years, my 'pal' has since moved away for career reasons. We are still friends. It was not 'out of sight, out of mind.' I think that tells something about our friendship.
We have had our share of disagreements, head-butting, and me realizing that he is far from perfect (neither am I). But the good times outweigh the tough times. And, I was always taught, family and friends must work through the tough times instead of just running and giving up. There have been times I've wanted to cut ties but just have not been able to go through with it. He's my friend. We have a history together. I can't just turn my back on friends. I'm very sentimental, devoted, committed and nostalgic. However, in 13 years, he has not changed a bit. That's a bit unsettling. Honestly, I really am too good for him.
But, again, I ask the question, am I 'settling' so I still have someone or just realize that perfection is rare and I will never find the perfect man?
On the other hand, I deserve better. I deserve the best. I deserve someone who will come half-way, who will make sacrifices, who will do something he absolutely hates just to make me happy, who will come hear me sing even if he is not my religion, who will get together with my family more and will encourage his family to do the same, who will take my advice once in a while, who will try a new look (get out of the 70's), who will let me take him to the barber, who will let me talk about my problems solely for one night (and I will do the same the next), who will buy me something I really want instead of something he likes or 'thinks' I will like, who will rub my shoulders and back when he sees I am stressed without me having to beg, who will pay for me instead of me being the bread winner, who will drive me around every once in a while so I can over-indulge if I choose, who will be openly affectionate, who will talk to me when we go out instead of having sidebar conversations with everyone and anyone just because he is an outgoing person who needs to be the center of attention, who lives for now and in the future instead of reliving the past, who makes new memories, who can keep up with me, and who will venture out of his box and shake up his agenda every once in a while...
But, let's be realistic, I have not found anyone else? There have been and are a few folks I would not mind going out with but they have not shown that same affection toward me, so maybe I am resigned to 'settling' for my buddy of nearly 13 years--until he wises up, has breathed all the life out of me, moves on with his life finding someone new (who is a size 2 and has Kristin Davis' features) leaving me out in the cold and alone??!?!
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