Lent Day #23

In one of today's reflections from the St Anthony Messenger Press, united we stand, divided we fall. Jer 7:23-28; Lk 11:14-23. One of the biggest dividers among God's disciples is failure to forgive. We are human. I am human. I admit sometimes I find it very difficult to forgive someone, who in my eyes, hurt me.

If we harbor ill feelings and ill will, a bigger problem develops. We are often called "childish" or unreasonable by not letting go and granting forgiveness. We, too, are miserable. It behoves everyone to forgive! The 'forgiver' and the 'forgiven!' But again, the saying is so true: "easier said than done!" It's easy to say 'forgive your fellow man,' 'forgive your friend for hurting your feelings.' However hard we try to act as if we have not been hurt, humanity takes over.

The saga will be unfolding soon in my life. We usually get together and celebrate each birthday in the family. We go out for dinner, have cake and spend some quality time together. I love it! I love seeing everyone, catching up, being with those who are part of my history, people I would die for. We have a birthday coming up in a week or so. I'm sure and I sincerely hope we do get together. However, I have to admit, I have a little sadness lingering in my heart which I have been trying soooo hard to dispose of.

It seems each year around my birthday, everyone is too busy to have the full blown dinner, cake, and focus on me for a day! Am I being selfish? Probably. Am I being overly sensitive? Probably. Am I being unreasonable? ?????

My birthday came and went. I did get a few gifts and cards. No fanfare. No dinner. No cake. No one at my place of employment remembered. It was awful. I have vowed to never ever celebrate another birthday because frankly, they are awful every year. I can not say it was a total disaster. A dear friend from Tampa called me twice and even sent a card. He NEVER sends cards. I was impressed. But that did not stop me from ranting and raving each time he called as to how awful my day was unfolding. My best friend, who recently left our place and went elsewhere to work, called and wished me a happy day. When she found out how depressed I was, she had a few other former co-workers give me a buzz. That did brighten my day. I received 2 cards from those former co-workers which really overwhelmed me. So, no, it was not a complete disaster.

Maybe I'm overly sensitive because I am getting older and do not have that special person (never really have) to go overboard for me. No romantic dinners, no flowers at work, no 'big special gift' (laptop, digital camera, surprise weekend in Jamaica, or GPS tracker). I laugh when I see those commercials on how someone buys a CAR for someone else as a birthday or Christmas gift. Right!

As you can see, I am totally human. I have tried SO HARD this entire Lent to conquer feelings such as these. But it's easier said than done. It's times like these that I realize I have a ways to go in following in God's footsteps. I still have human feelings inside that get the best of me: pity, jealousy, spite, worthlessness, and anger at times. Most days are good. Most days I feel as if I did something good, did something right, acted 'God-like.' Then every once in a blue moon, I am struck down spiralling back to reality.

Everything happens for a reason. I know that. If I am worthy, God will give me my reward in heaven. But I know there will be probably many more times when I feel throngs of pity. I just have to bite my tongue, clench God's hand, try to forgive those that, in my eyes, have hurt me--not only for their sake but for mine! Spend time trying really hard to grant forgiveness to others and forgive myself as well. I need to learn how to forgive myself when I feel I have fallen short and gone astray. God does!