Bittersweet thanksgiving

Today we begin the 2nd full week of Lent.

Everyone could relate to Father's homily. Tremendous as usual.

As I sat through my last Mass reflecting and thanking God for everything he has given me (which is so much more than I deserve)....praying for Mom's continued strong recovery....thanking Him for my gift of singing (which so many people have told me is a joy each weekend), I know I am truly blessed!

Yet in the same rejoicing moment, an empty feeling of failure hits. I glance around church seeing friends of mine with their kids. I thank God for their friendship, yet become sullen. Bittersweet moment. Bittersweet thanksgiving.

I see friends who I knew growing up. They met someone, got engaged, got married, and had 1, 2, 3, or more kids. I think of friends I work with who have families. Though they say it's not an issue and may not even notice they do it, they spend much more time with my other married friends and their children than me. I'm the 3rd wheel. It's not a great feeling. Family meets family out for dinner. I don't have children, so I'm not on that exclusive list.

In that millisecond of thanking God for so much, I also realize I am lacking (in my mind, possibly not God's mind). I know this is silly because I have accomplished a lot in my life and have done much good which includes carrying out the life-long mission God has bestowed upon me with my Mother.

It 'appears' as I continue walking in one place on the treadmill of life, everyone else is moving on, moving up around me. I know that's not the case. But, in this world we live in where the norm is for a girl to always have a boyfriend, eventually get married and have kids, I don't fit into that mold and feel like an outcast at times. What do I really have to show? I know what I have to show and it is A LOT! But the stereotypical American observer looking in may not see my great accolades, my tireless efforts, and the countless lives I have touched.

When all is said and done and when Mother does eventually pass on, I don't have the "American family" to go home to, to help me get on with my life.


Thankfully, I quickly snap out of that moment of pity back to reality. I LOVE my life. I've accomplished more up until now than I ever dreamed in my entire lifetime. I do wish I had the stereotypical family with the loving husband and 2.5 children (hopefully one day God will send them to me.) What I really need God's help with this Lent is realizing my gifts and giving me the strength to use them, even when others scoff at me....dealing with how other people treat me because I don't fit into THEIR mold.....and having the courage to be me and like it, no matter what anyone else says or does to me!