Opening Day Weekend 2011

I adore the game of baseball.

I get that cherished gift & interest from my Mom. She bestowed that gem on our entire family. She received the gift from her father, my Grampa, who my Aunt says took them to see the Indians when they were all just small kids. In fact, Auntie has some of the fondest memories of her dad taking her to a ballgame, and getting -- a hot dog. Having a ballpark hotdog with authentic baseball mustard watching a game with her Dad = priceless.

To the normal fan it's a game, maybe a day off of work, a time to share a few beers with friends. To me, it's so much more.

On Opening Day, the memories come gushing back spanning my entire life --baseball memories I've collected over the years with Mom, my sister, Aunt, and the kids which will be with me forever. We have thousands and thousands.

I truly enjoy the game of baseball. Oh yes, there is nothing like winning baseball from your favorite team but I'll support them rain or shine, win or lose. I was part of the smallest crowds the Indians had Opening Day weekend 2011. It didn't matter because the weather was beautiful, baseball is back for the next 7 months, and I saw progress and hope in the current players taking the field. The Indians have always had scrappers. Guys who come to play with their A-game. They give their all, no matter the outcome.

The normal 'joe' fan looks at the daily paper and sees the final score. That's no way to watch or follow baseball. Watching every intricate play tells the story. Even in a loss, you can see how hard the guys played, glean the many bright spots, and still gain pleasure from our National Pasttime.

Opening Day Weekend 2011 brought old memories back to life and formed new ones.

The entire weekend began with a memorial service for the best pitcher in baseball, Bob Feller, who recently passed away. What a tribute. It was a beautiful memorial service recalling many memories. Though many of today's pitchers are quite talented, I believe we coddle them too much. There is absolutely no comparison to the pitchers of Bob Feller's time and today. Those pitchers way back when played for love of the game. They made no money. They had to get real jobs in the off-season, which kept them strong and tone. They could pitch a complete game and the next day be called upon again to pitch another one. None of this "You can only pitch 102 pitches and then I am taking you out no matter how well you are still pitching!"

Bob Feller also sacrificed his career in baseball for the greater good of his country, which he loved so much....and while serving his country, put his life in harms way every day he was in the military. He is proof positive that if you do the right thing and stick to your beliefs and passions, it all works out.

Then Opening Day weekend 2011 against one of our hardest opponents, the Chicago White Sox. On the bright side, our old friend Omar Vizquel buzzed back into town. I would love to see Omar come back to play or better still to coach one day. He always claims he has a special place in his heart for Cleveland and Clevelanders.

Besides the outcome, everything else was near perfection. Pre-game festivities honoring Bob Feller chilling. 3 huge banners were hung on the center field wall. Every single player wore the #19 jersey for pre-game and introductions. Then Mrs. Feller placing a baseball on the pitcher's mound for the silent 1st pitch. And then the balloon launch as we screamed 'play ball!'

I adore the videos the Indians' play on the scoreboard --they always move me. 2011 will not disappoint. So far, the videos have been tremendous...and yes, the tears came streaming down.

I was at the game with 2 friends who get it. They love the game of baseball as much as I do. 1 of them I consider to be one of my dearest friends in the whole wide world....the other person is a friend I've reconnected with on fb after oh, maybe 15 or so years. I could not have asked to be at opening day with 2 better people who realize the pureness of this game.

Of course, Mom was with us in spirit....and will always be at every single game with me. I firmly believe that she is the Indians' biggest guardian angel. They may not have gone far last year, but things are looking up.

Good friends all know my passion for the sport and how important this game is to me. I received text messages and facebook messages all day and night long wishing me 'happy opening day,' 'I know this is like a holiday to you, have fun,' and other gleeful salutations!

Another dear friend moved away in the beginning of the year. I must admit, I was a bit bitter for a smidge of time. And I do so miss him soooo but I will not let this season go by without keeping in close proximity with him to talk, message, text baseball week in, week out!

Even though the Indians lost the official opening day game, I did not feel bad. I had just seen a major league baseball game outside in the open air under beautiful weather with 2 good friends. I'd seen an exciting game from both teams. That's how I roll. I don't feel bad anymore. I know how blessed I am to be able to watch this game and enjoy every single pitch.

The Indians wound up losing their 2nd game but pulled out a huge win on Sunday. Both games were quite exciting. At least, I had a blast both days. I saw very good friends at all of the games....enjoyed balmy temps.....and can't believe how lucky I am to be able to watch my favorite team play my favorite sport.

I have a really good feeling about this team. Most people admit there are so many players they have never heard of, don't recognize, don't know where they came from.....I am proud to say I not only know the players, recognize them when I see them, know what position they play and their numbers. When you follow a team and their minor league teams, you follow the entire team. It's like watching a child born and follow their progression through teenage years into adult hood. I absolutely adore everyone from the veterans to the youngsters to the newer players we recently acquired.

I admit, I'm nowhere close to enjoying the game like Mom. She'd amaze me game after game as she totally remembered a player's stats without looking up at the big score board....she'd remember what they did last game....and in the entire series. She knew every pitch every player threw...if he was a ground ball pitcher or flyball pitcher. I adored my Mother in every way for who she was and what she instilled in me...not only with the game of baseball but life in general.

I'm no Marianne, but no one is or ever will be. I am striving to be like her and put the same passion into the game (of baseball & the game we call life) as I hope to get as much enjoyment out of both!

The Feast of Little Italy thru new eyes & old friends

When I embarked on my annual visit to Little Italy during the Feast of the Assumption, never did I envision the time I would have!

First and foremost, I was touring Murray Hill and its ancillary streets with two very good friends who frequent Little Italy but never have been to The Feast.

What a privilege that they chose me for this honor.

Lisa and Bob were just a joy to watch, like wide-eyed kids seeing something for the first time!

We went through ever nook and cranny including our tour of the new playground, ate pretty much one of everything and went back to what we really loved, and of course, carried out the annual tradition of lighting candles at Church.

I'm so glad I could experience this fun time with friends rather than alone.

It's hard. Last year Mom and I went to the Feast and shared so many memories. This year, I know Mom is looking down on us but she's not physically with us.

When Lisa and Bob left, I lingered and am sooooo glad I did!

I saw Mary Jo from the Terrace Club. Mary Jo Mont manages the Terrace Club at 'Jacob's Field.' She's like family, loved Mom, and will always have a special place in my heart.

Then I ran into my old pal, Tom Stacho, of the Cleveland Police Department. I used to work with him more closely through my job but he is now a bigwig with the force .....fortunately, I know exactly where to find him during the Feast!

I decided to stay for the closing procession, service, and fireworks. In recent years past, we've been unable to enjoy this tradition.

And finally, I revisited the fried dough stand of a childhood friend, Michael Rapposelli. By the time I went back, Michael had returned and for the next hour we walked down memory lane talking about the neighborhood, childhood funnies, old friends, how we were raised, what he'd like his children to get out of life, and reconnecting.

I met his lovely family. I saw his Mom, who I'd just put on tv a few nights earlier. I had always thought Mrs. R was so beautiful --and she still is! I saw one of his sister's, Michelle, and just had the most amazing experience.

I was in awe of the wonderful things he kept repeating about Mom and how he just adored her.

I know she's a saint. I know I love her more than life and always will. Over the years I've seen how others adore her. And through her death and the months that followed I have seen how people miss her. I guess I will never really comprehend the scope of all the lives she's touched. She IS my hero and my inspiration.

I can only strive to be 1/2 the person that Mom was...and that will be a major accomplishment in my book!

All in all, Mom IS with me every single day. I feel her, I speak like she spoke, I solve problems out of the blue, I hear how others miss and love her...I am reminded by my childhood friends the great things they remember about Mom, the good things about life when we were all young, and what we should keep alive from our history. I am reminded how Mom influenced others' lives. I pray that I am or one day will eventually evolve into becoming a shining example as Mom was to all.

And I am so blessed that I have friends--whether newer friends such as Lisa and Bob or older friends such as Michael --to keep me grounded, focused and in possession of what is really important in this life we are so fortunate to live.

XO

I'm not just sitting around eating bon bons!

I think of myself as an extremely smart, ambitious, talented, fun-loving individual who has many interests, excels in problem solving, has impeccable organizational skills and so much more --who always pulls everything together so it works out just perfectly!

All great gifts given to me by God above--which I realize, thank Him for on a daily basis, and try to use so when I get to the pearly gates, he does not ask me 'WHY didn't you use the gifts I gave you?'

That said--I am smart enough to know that I am grieving the death of my Mother. And I am even smarter to know I should not fight it or be embarrassed about it--and others should be respectful of me and my grieving process!


I know Mom died. Trust me. I know this happens to everyone and we all must press onward! I've pressed onward many times in my life:

• when my Father abandoned us when I was a baby
• when Mom had a heart attack
• when my best friend's Mother died while we were in grade school
• when my Uncle was very ill and living with us
• when I heard an accident on the scanners which later I learned involved my Uncle & wound up taking his life
• when I was struck by a drunk driver who totalled my first car & got nothing
• when my Uncle was murdered though his wife covered it up
• when my dog passed away in my arms
• when my second car was totalled in my work parking garage & no one did anything to help
• when Mom got sick....and ultimately met her maker
• Oh the list is endless

Words stated to me verbally and in print over the last few days show that there are people who still don't get it, get me or ever got Mom.

There are actually people who think I am focusing on what I lost rather than what I have.


Holy Shit. What a crock! Yes, I swore.

1st off, I don't have time to focus on what I lost --I need to focus on the here and now as I am up to my ears in trying to straighten out Mom's business...it's a pain in the ass and something that no one else can do since no one else ever took a vested interest in Mom.


God has given me countless gifts and the best gift that He gave me WAS Mom and the labor of love of taking care of her. I would not exchange this gift for anything. I promised Mom many years ago that she would never live alone or in a nursing home. I would never abandon her. And I meant it. And I guess since I made that proclamation, it allowed everyone else in our lives to move on with their lives so many years ago, move out, and say sayonara over 5 years ago! God love them!

With this gift God gave me came responsibilities not given to anyone else, extra hardships no one else ever experienced, and so many challenges never imagined even after she passed--tedious and time consuming duties which no one else can even fathom.


I took care of Mom. And no one should ever criticize me or my grieving process. I thank God that Mom died before me because no one else really knew how to take care of her:

• her medicines, why she took them and when she had to take them
• her doctors, what each of them did, where they were, keeping her appts straight
• what food she was really supposed to eat and not eat
• how she liked her hot cereal--she'd complain anytime anyone else made it but me
• her lemonade with splenda
• taking her pills with applesauce rather than water
• how she had to be the leader when she walked and walking at HER pace rather than pulling her --like some did
• knowing her favorite nightgown
• which socks fit with certain shoes
• her favorite tv shows
• how she needed her favorite letter opener when opening the mail
• knowing she liked taking 2 clementines and 3 bags of cookies to dialysis
• making sure she had puffs in every pocket of every jacket at all times
• remind her to take her food pills after meals, especially if we were out
• taking her on numerous trips --no way in hell anyone else in our life would have even attempted to do this!
• The list is endless what I did for Mom --99% of the stuff people didn't even know.

So, I am ok with grieving the death of my Mom because she was my life and I was her life. The problem is not me --it's others who STILL are not respecting my thoughts, my feelings, my needs, my wants, and are STILL telling me how to feel and what to do!

The suggestions are flowing like beer at an Irish wake. People are telling me to move, to buy a house, where to move, to start living my own life, to take care of myself, to live it up, to save my money, to spend my money, to buy new clothes, to not buy new clothes, to spend time with my friends, to not spend time with my friends so I can take time for me, to get married, to stay single.....are you really gonna let me live my life or continue bossing me around?

For the record: My Mother died. That was traumatic enough for now. Though it is no one's business, I lost 50% of my monthy income. I know, some of you out there are jobless and homeless so you definitely are not empathizing with me. However, for me, at this time in my life, it may be very hard for me to buy a house let alone even move at this moment. For me personally, I can not take any more big upheavals in my life right now. I will go off the deep end.

For those of you who REALLY care for me--what I REALLY want is:

• to wrap up once and for all Mom's business affairs
• to get my affairs in order should I die so my current nightmare does not one day become someone else's
• to FIRST & FOREMOST work out every single day
• to not have to worry about my living conditions/location at this juncture
• to be able to pay off my credit cards
• to sock away some money since I took such a money hit with Mom's death
• to be able to focus on me since I've neglected myself for over 10 years
• again, to be able to get up in the morning and work out EVERY DAY, work out --what's that?
• to lose all the weight that I need to lose
• to get my head, my heart, my mind, my emotions, and my physical body stabilized before I make anymore moves
• And to have the freedom to grieve my Mom's death if necessary without being ostracized for doing so

Know that I don't sit around eating bon bons all day grieving!

I live and I am on the go and I talk to Mom & thank God every minute of every day for what he has and continues giving me.

I guess those nay-sayers have never really loved someone. Those people telling me to move on and get over it have cold ice in their veins.

I see a bird fly by and remember how Mom marveled at the tiny miracle made by God.

I hear Michael Symon's laugh and recall Mom saying time and time again how she loved his laugh (which I told him to his face by the way!).

I see Dave Duncan in the dug out on tv and remember how Mom wrote a letter to Bob DiBiasio of the Indians asking if he could get some Cleveland Indians' to send her daughter sweet 16 birthday cards --and I got dozens of them, including Dave Duncan!

I sit and watch one of MY favorite shows, the Golden Girls, and at times do get teary eyed because I see the relationship Dorothy has with Sophia and it conjures up so many wonderful memories.

Or I sing a line at Mass which reminds me of Mom so I tear up.

Or my friend Louie tells me "I love you more" which Mom would say to me all the time!

I have moved forward and love life and living life. I have accomplished so much since October 26th. No one else I know could have done what I have done! I am tooting my own horn. I am one in a million and impressive! I know we can not always get what we want! Things can not always be orchestrated to suit our needs. I'm sure in the near future there will be many, many more challenges and bumps in the road and even disasters where I feel I can not go on or I have no where to turn. I have God. I thank God profusely for giving me feelings and memories and allowing me to be a kind and caring person who actually has emotions. And yes, sometimes having emotions and feelings gets the best of me --especially since my Mother died less than 4 months ago.

But I'd rather have emotions and cry and feel sad and happy and a rainbow of feelings every single day of my life than have ice running through my veins!

Afraid of what?

It's hard to believe, but I think I recently found someone afraid of Mom....or maybe I should say I just became aware that this person is 'ill at ease.' A few characteristics appear to be: sneaking around, lack of communication, afraid to confab.

WOW. Amazing, because 99.9% of the folks who know Mom adore her.

She's a legend and one of the most caring people you could ever know.

Let's face it, as people get older, they get some quirks. That is with ALL older people rising up that ladder. They speak louder when you wish they were whispering or just blurt out something you were thinking yourself. I kinda like that spirit, am amused, and have tried to grasp onto that fire in my 'young' age!!! Never too early to start living life to the fullest and making a name for yourself.

And, I know, I'm sure Mom is no saint. NONE of us are. I believe Jesus said "those of you without sin cast the first stone."

Everywhere she goes. I mean everywhere.

Her many travels across the U.S. --just this year alone she was treated as a queen in Pittsburgh, Chautauqua, always at Progressive Field and the Terrace Club, her doctors and nurses and techs, friends at Church, strangers she meets in the street...last year even at Yankee Stadium. Can you believe it, Yankee Stadium. She was treated like a Queen at YANKEE STADIUM!! Hoy!!

And her uncanny memory to remember peoples' names. You can go to a restaurant and, even if the waiter does not have a name tag on, she will say, "Mark, can you please tell me what the special is again honey?" Well, to say the least, Mark is immediately smitten!

One step further, everywhere I go, the first question I am asked, "How is your Mom? Please tell her hello and give her a big hug!!" Even my intern who has never met Mom has become endeared to her by speaking with her on the phone and hearing the conversations I have with her. Says a lot about this woman.

I go back to college, I attend a high school gathering, at work, oh at work everyday someone new is asking about her, at the Masses I sing where she is not because she's already gone....

Heck, one of my dearest friends from College, Jimmie, calls and has a 1/2 hour conversation with Mommacita and then talks to me as an afterthought! I love it!

Well, so be it. If I've learned something over the last 12 years which has been an eye-opening episode of my existence, it is life is too short to walk around on egg shells, try to please everyone, and always be the most popular. Jesus was mocked because he did the right thing. As long as we try to follow in Jesus' footsteps and be the people he wants us to be, let those 'fringers' think what they will. In the end it will all work out for the best.

Let's face it people. If 4999 people are in love with something or someone and 1 person is against, well, you make the call!!