Mom's rainbow strikes again

One year ago today, Mom met her Maker.

I can not fathom that one year ago Mom was alive. She blew me a kiss, waved and smiled at all of us, even poked fun at my oldest niece, and just a few hours later while resting, while holding my hand and my sister's hand, took her last breath joining God in Heaven.

The first year has been hell. I lost my best friend, my Mother, my companion, the only person who really needed me and loved me more than anyone I've ever encountered.

Every single experience, every single day of my life since then was a 'first.'

Oh, I've had hundreds of people (if not more) give me advice, tell me how I should feel, tell me how my life will progress, even tell me to 'get over it.'

I will never get over this. So to those of you who can't deal with me and how I am now, you get over it!

I have gone through progressions, and ironically, see those same progressions in my Aunt after she lost her husband (our uncle /father figure) back in April.

Just because the phase changes a bit does not mean the feeling inside, depression, emptiness, or downright horror changes.

I do enjoy life. That's one trait I learned from Mom. Live life to the fullest. God is good! Life is good! However, there are never 'good days' or 'bad days.' There are changing hours in the course of a day --the spectrum from being jubilant one moment to bursting into tears sobbing so hard I can't breathe the next, all in a 24-hour span.

I do know Mom is constantly with me. I see tangible signs. But, being with me in spirit is definitely not the same as being with me in person. That's for sure.

I started on the road to recovery in March when a group of wonderful grade school friends reunited and spent an amazing evening catching up.

I was doing very well in April when I communed with my best college friends for a long weekend.

Then May and June were magical. I re-connected with a school buddy who saved me. They may not want to admit it but they are the reason I finally took down my Christmas decorations on May 16, 2010. They gave me the oomph to start working out again and a reason to live.

I adore summer....I visited a dear friend in FLA a few times....I neglected my home and everything to spend quality time with people. It's hard to explain to most but people were/are much more important to me rather than a clean house, a weeded flower bed, or everything really. I just kept saying --one minute Mom was there and the next, she was gone. That's how I regard people now. That's why when I can't spend the time I want with certain people I really care about, I become very saddened. One minute they may be there, but the next they may be gone.

Plus, I did not and still don't have the energy to clean, go through anything in the house, or tackle my 'to do' list.

Unfortunately, the colder weather keeps fading in and out....and my May buddy has since moved on causing my depression to resurface. I'm still lacking energy and the zest to do a gosh darn thing. I am again on a down spiral crashing to the bottom of the well.

All month, I've been quite emotional. I know my family is probably experiencing some kind of reaction and even Mom's very close friends. I mask it very well. I do what I need to do. I give 100 percent at work, at church, with my singing, and everything I undertake. What I falter with and fail at is me, my personal goals. I constantly let myself down.

What does boost me at times is how every day at least one person tells me how much they think of Mom--all different people from all walks of life.

I requested this day off at the beginning of the year hoping to attend Mass and spend time with my family.

I did not really have a clue as to how I'd feel or where I'd be.

Never in a million years did I ever imagine the day Mom would send us.

Yes, it has been bittersweet.

A former co-worker of mine just passed away and her wake was today. I knew it would be difficult but Mom always taught us to pay our last respects so I was not going to let Mom down. I showed up at the funeral home not even thinking who I may see ....thinking I'd pay my respects and be gone after a few minutes.

I arrived and saw one of my best friends in the whole wide world, who greeted me at the door. If that's not Mom's handiwork, I don't know what it is.

The people I saw at Donna's wake boosted my spirits. I know that's quite morbid to say your spirits were boosted at a wake, but they were.

I truly believe Mom was watching over me.

She sent a beautiful thunderstorm, which handcuffed me.

Mom also knows that I adore rainstorms, especially if I don't have to work during them! I got caught in the rain, drenched, and loved every minute of it!

I ran a few errands which I'd been putting off for months --errands that Mom and I used to do together.

I attended Mass with my Aunt and Sister --even did the reading and distributed the wine.

But what was to come, an amazing sight.

While the family gathered at Trattoria in Little Italy, the most beautiful rainbow stretched across the entire sky right above our restaurant. Mom strikes again --as she did on Thanksgiving and once over the summer when I needed her most to show me a sign.

I rushed out and took a picture.

But more importantly, the family and friends who saw the very same rainbow and thought of Mom paralyzed me. I got text messages from dear friends saying 'I just saw the most amazing rainbow and thought of your Mom." I logged onto Facebook sharing our experience and got a slew of friends writing back saying the 1st person they thought of when seeing the rainbow was Mom.

Mom WILL be with me and the rest of my family always and forever. I have faith and have always believed.

I talk to her every day asking for strength.

Mom solved every single problem while she was alive, continues solving my problems from Heaven, and will never cease to amaze me at the countless, tangible signs she sends for all to see.

I love you Mom --a bazillion, catrillion times more!!! xo

Play Ball!

I was determined to make Opening Day the perfect day --win or lose!

I began the day by attending early morning Mass, scheduled for Mom!

What a better way to honor her and start the day, Opening Day, then by celebrating Mass.

No work.

A beautiful day weather-wise.

Spending the day at my 'home away from home.'

And sharing "Opening Day" festivities with two very good friends.

I knew Mom would be on hand--but I could not have asked for two better people to spend the day with --on this very emotional day.

This is the 1st Opening Day I've been to without Mom. Honestly, the game is secondary to the spring of emotions that flushed through my body all day long.

Surreal.

I took a rapid, which Mom and I have not been able to do for years.

The whole family used to take the rapid to the Indians, Cavs, and Rockers Games all the time. But in recent years, not even an option.

I had to drop off a package at the Indians' Executive Offices, and saw, yet another dear friend who works the front desk.

What a treat to see 'old friends.'

Not even to our seats yet, Bob, our usher, greeted us with a huge hug and escorted us to our seats.

It's like God planned out the day perfectly knowing it was not going to be an easy one --but he cushioned it from start to finish with a whole lotta love!

Seeing Sandy Alomar, and just being back at Progressive Field for the start of baseball season brought tears to my eyes....

The outcome may not have been to our liking, but the experience was amazing!

Christmas Eve traditions

I'm proud of how I keep plugging along knowing what I want to accomplish this holiday season but not being too hard on myself if it does not get done in a timely fashion.

I've already established that I WILL send out our annual Christmas letter. As of this writing, the letter is not quite finished but the holiday season goes on for me until at least the Feast of the Three Kings!

I've also decided that I will continue making all of our Christmas cookies, even if I have to make some of them around and in the New Year.

This is my favorite time of the year. I know we've lost a great lady, but I will not let her down and stray from both of our most Sacred Holy Time and favorite holiday.

So today, I had more errands to run than anticipated but did get them all done. There's always one thing I forget that I can not find at the last minute. Happened again this year unfortunately.

An emotional day. I ran into Mom's old physical therapist who had no clue she had passed. And then as I shared the "Mom rainbow" story with the owner of The Dancing Sheep, I made her cry which in turn made me cry. I'm telling you, Mom is physically gone, but she and her amazing persona and the stories of how she is STILL with us continue affecting our lives and others.

We decided that everyone would go to Mass together, as always, but changed which Mass. Does not matter for me. I sing them all!

However, it was nice because after Mass, I had a bigger stretch of time before I had to go back over to Church.

I firmly believe we have the prettiest church in the Diocese. And our Pastor is a gem. It's a win-win situation! Then factor in the holiday music and you have a wonderful night.

I absolutely adore the music we sing each Christmas Season. The Bells usually play a few of the Masses and our Choir Director David gets his friend who plays the violin to accompany us.

By the time I went over to Church, I had laid out all of our hor'doerves for after Mass. The house smelled so wonderful. AAAH! It must be Christmas!

I like seeing so many old friends who don't come to Church the rest of the year or they come back to Cleveland to visit family at Christmastime. And, no snow. It's a beautiful Christmas Eve.

Father Gary personalizes so many of his sermons. He brought a tear (OK, many tears) to my eyes at the Mass my entire family attended. He saw everyone sitting out in the congregation and threw in a line saying 'he sees those in the pews who may be having a harder time this year because they've lost a family member this year...' I lost it. I had to mask it being in front with the choir, but it was very hard. Finally, by the end of the Mass, I had to bail out before the end of the closing song because it was just too hard.

We had a good night.

We ate, spent time together, laughed, the girls did some fast hand moves trying to teach the boys, and the boys taught everyone how to tie a tie!

I could not have asked for a better Christmas Eve --except to have Mom here with me. But then I get a smile on my face because Mom is spending Christmas Eve with Baby Jesus this year.

Merry Christmas from Heaven

The day always seems better when it begins with Mass and worshipping our Lord.

This morning's Mass, on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, was being said for Mom.

Auntie and Uncle Bill joined me, which was a nice treat.

Father Gary's Masses are always special and there were more people than usual being a Holy Day.

After Mass, my Aunt gave me a gift which had come from one of our cousins.

I never imagined it would be so nice. It brought a tear to my eye. After I got it home and actually read the inscription in its entirety, the flood gates opened--but that is a daily occurrence.

It's a beautiful silver ornament which reads 'Merry Christmas from Heaven' and our cousin Evelyn had Mom's name and birthday and death anniversary inscribed on the backside.

If that was not enough, it was accompanied with a prayer written by John Wm. Mooney, Jr. from 1989:

'I still hear the songs, I still see the lights

I still feel your love on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes and all of your cares

I'll even remind you to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you, you still make me proud

You stand head and shoulders above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment, to stay in His Grace

I came here before you to help set your place

You don't have to be perfect all of the time

He forgives you the slip, if you continue the climb

To my family and friends, please be thankful today

I'm still close beside you, in a new special way

I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear

'Cause I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year.'