Reliving Mom's ailments & being a caregiver

Half the time I haven't a clue what I wore yesterday, if I remembered to wish a friend happy birthday, or if I ate that day.

Yet, there are moments in my life burned in my memory. And if they are not tattooed on my brain, they are resurrected as people dear to me experience similar events.

Two current situations have opened the floodgates of being Mom's caregiver for so long.

My best friend is stranded in Cleveland as he recovers from breaking his foot. His only mode of transportation most of the time: me.

I can not tell you how I'm reliving all over again a trip to the doctor with Mom. It's uncanny. I used to watch her like a hawk when walking with her walker. I'd be holding onto an article of her clothing determined never to let anything happen to her.

Fast forward to 2011 and I'm doing the same thing. I truly believe I will be taking care of those I love for the rest of my life, and that is definitely not a bad thing. I so miss taking care of my Mother. I hurt constantly I miss her so.

I help my friend down the steps with his crutches, walk very slowly right next to him so he does not take a spill, help him get in the car, park as close as I can to the medical center....I am reliving every single moment. I tell him, 'who cares if we go 5x slower than everyone else. Safety first.'

I must admit, and he hates when I do this, I'm constantly spewing medical jargon. My Mother's doctors and nurses used to ask me if I was a nurse? "Are you in the medical field?" And when I said no, they were in shock because I knew so much...I take great pride in that characteristic.

Now, I just wish he'd listen to me!

The nurse was showing him how to wrap his foot --only once a week. I said, "That's nothing, I had to do the exact same thing to my Mom's leg 3x a day!" And then of course I started a conversation with the nurse and he just sat there rolling his eyes!

My friend will be fine, so this situation does not seem so grave. Though he is still in pain and the initial stages of recovery, we know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

A second situation involving another friend is much more serious and transports me to more dire times with my Mom.

The Mother of dear friends from grade school is currently in the hospital with pneumonia. She goes to my church too. When I heard that, my heart sank and I envisioned the dozen or so times Mom was in the hospital with pneumonia. It all came rushing back to me, I started visibly shaking, and I just can't seem to get these visions or experiences out of my mind now.

The irony of it all: Mom WAS in the hospital many times with pneumonia. She'd always wind up in ICU and then wound up out at Heather Hill for rehab. I'd be at the hospital anytime I was not at work, every day. I'd go for days without showering. I'd sleep on the love seat right next to the phone just in case the call came in....I did not care if she was in a coma, not responding, or had a breathing tube. I knew she could hear me. I'd talk to her. I'd put her favorite show on tv so she could listen. I might read something to her. I knew all the nurses, the doctors, knew how to read all the monitors. I had a bag always in my car with everything Mom would need during a hospital visit.

There were at least 5 or 6 times the doctors did not think she would make it and she did. The final time she was in the hospital, none of us had a clue she'd die. We were all sure she'd recover like she had so many times before. We were all caught off guard and my Mother died.

Because of that, I guess I've become a pain in the ass to those friends I really care for and/or love. I 'preach' to them how important it is to spend quality time with family members and close friends (those that mean something to you). My broken footed friend has an 86-year-old mother. I've been lecturing him ever since he moved away and I lost my Mom that he should spend more time with his Mother.

Actually, same thing with my friend whose Mom currently has pneumonia. I've been preaching to him that he shouldn't work as much, should try to enjoy life a little more, and maybe spend quality time with family and (cough, cough LOL!) good friends.

I am stunned at how every time I get an update from my friends about their Mom, I revert back to reliving a pneumonia hospital stay with Mom.

I've said this before and will say it again, I will never say "I know how you feel" because I don't. And no one has ever or will ever know how I feel inside about anything currently going on in my life.

When my friend gives me a little tidbit on his Mom, I feel like I am standing in the hospital next to my Mother's hospital bed. There are times when I would like to say something, but I keep my mouth shut. All I can do is support my friends and hope they know I am there, 24/7. Though I may not know exactly how they feel, I've lived through this more times than most.

I do know the toll no sleep, worry, trying to maintain your daily responsibilities as well as spending as much waking time with your sick family member can have on the caregiver. I'm still recovering and honestly don't know if I will ever fully recover.

My friend's Mom has had good moments, bad moments, good again and bad again. Last I heard, she was on the upswing.

I believe in the power of prayer. I believe everything happens for a reason, when it is supposed to happen. We may never, ever understand why something happens until we die. But, I'm sure every single breath has a meaning and teaches a lesson or has an impact on someone.

I've really gleaned much since Mom's death. I know who I DO want to spend time with, who I DON'T!

Maybe after all these two very dear friends of mine have been through, they will add me to their list of people they cherish and they'd like to spend quality time with...before it's too late.

Superbig Moon weekend

Yes, I'm superstitious, in a good way.

I believe there are ghosts, my dead relatives speak to me, a black cat is good luck (well maybe not after one crossed our path and hours later my best friend broke his foot in 3 places)....but you get the idea.

Beginning this weekend with the superbig moon, it felt like my derailed train has gained momentum on the track....check back with me in a few weeks!

I had a wonderful breakfast meeting with a dear family friend.....we were talking business but the bulk of it was catching up.....then I spent quality time with my broken-footed friend as I took him to the doctor.....and then the phenomenon of the superbig moon!

Lots of events during superbig moon weekend: Spring officially begins! My highly anticipated fantasy baseball draft takes place --where I will hang out for a few hours with people I see once a year but we all have a very special bond!

Back to superbig moon night. I felt like a newschaser.....gawker.....I was heading out Saturday night and saw the superbig moon. I'm flashing pictures as I was driving, trying to get a great vantage point. Everytime I thought I had one, a tree or house jumped in front of me!

I went way past my destination thinking I would get closer to the moon. OMG!

Yes, though. Finally, I found the moon and I shot the moon and felt like I could even jump over the superbig moon!

I do truly believe the superbig moon will have an effect on me in the coming weeks. It's just a matter of whether or not it's positive or negative?!?!?!

God has a plan

And somehow my name has been scratched off of the "God's memos' list!

So my friend in from out of town has had a setback....after having hernia surgery, he broke his foot a few days later.

He will be in town for 4-6 more weeks.

Yes, God has a plan. All I can do is trust He knows what He's doing.

With this unfortunate incident, I personally am gearing more toward the "he needs to spend some more time with his 86, soon-to-be 87-year-old mother" theory.

But remember, I've been 'whited out' of the memo list.

I know that since he's been in town, my life has been a train wreck. I need to get this derailed train back on the tracks. Though I'd love to take advantage and spend quality time with him while he is stranded in town, I have to stay focused on my Lenten goals, my nutrition program, my personal obligations, and taking care of me.

I'm conflicted. Mom taught me to help friends, to take care of those who need, and hence, I always neglect myself. I have to pull back a bit and start taking care of me. It's the airplane rescue theory. Pull down the oxygen mask and place it on yourself first and then help your neighbor.

Now, I'm so blessed. Each day has hills and valleys. In the midst of the chaos, I was brought to tears over the weekend as I received a text from a dear grade school friend. All she said was 'what a nice surprise....' attached to a picture of my sister and 2 nieces. Sheila's daughter is in a wedding on the same day my niece is getting married. No, they are not in the same wedding but they WERE at the same dress store and all met each other. Kind of funny. Sheila's daughters call me Aunt Dani...and when the girls were talking about me, I think my real nieces were amazed to hear that!!

The entire meeting story warmed my heart and showed me, yet again, what a very small world we frequent. After the text picture I was fortunate to share a lovely night with Sheila and her entire family over the weekend. Her son's meal to die for! I feel like I am part of the family and at home when I spend time with these friends!

Again, in the midst of the craziness, God helps me through as my Aunt and I head to Mass for my Uncle...on St. Patrick's day! What a terrific way to begin this holiday/holy day! And then to breakfast! Yes, though I'm on my nutrition kick, I could not pass up the Soda Bread & Corned Beef tradition! Come on! You only live once and some don't even get the full use out of their warranty.

I think I've gotten a few derailed cars back on the track, but I've a loooong, loooong way to go!

Lent & Spring Training are my friends

I'm strapped in for what I believe and feel will be a rollercoaster ride!

I am so looking forward to Lent. I actually began my Lenten resolutions shortly after New Year's Day. I tried a little something different this year. It seems everyone always goes up to the midnight deadline of Fat Tuesday and then BOOM!

Come Ash Wednesday, it's an about face.

Not for me. I really did kick off the year with good intentions and have plugged along, little by little. Instead of an abrupt halt or revving up, I'm coasting into Lent with very good momentum.

This is the week my friend flies into town though I won't see him until the end of the week. Lent begins just in the knick of time. And Auntie scheduled an appointment to get our taxes done. I can not even believe the almost all-nighter I pulled over the weekend gathering all of my tax information. First of all, I have nothing. Yet, I am such a meticulous person, I notated everything and anything for my new tax guy. It felt soooo good to get that material organized and get myself perched to cross yet one more thing off of my 2011 to-do list! My Aunt has known her tax guy since he was a baby....and ironically, he does the taxes of a number of my co-workers. Funny how life plays out. I am a month older than he yet I'm fairly positive he makes at least 20-40x more money than I make. I think I am ok with that having donned a new attitude after Mom's death stretching into 2011.

Ash Wednesday brought torrential rains. I think they caused my Aunt to catch a little cold. She's a bit under the weather now. However, we found the most delicious fish luncheon across from The Lake County Captain's Ballpark, the Captain's Club, to enjoy a meal together.

The rains continued. I had a personal day from work this week, where I had to rise at 5am. Nice. The only girl who is OFF and must get up at the crack of dawn. Amazing. In my travels I had to cross the Valley View Bridge not once, but twice. For those of you who are not familiar with this bridge, someone crashed, flew off the bridge and died just a few weeks ago. Unnerving to be traveling on it in an awful rain storm.

We survived. I actually got to spend some quality time with my friend who is in from out of town. Amazing how some things and people never change. I am so glad that is not my mojo.

But, it was /is nice spending a little time with him for just a few days.

Besides the Lenten feeling saving me over the next 6-8 weeks, Spring Training is finally in full swing and my boys began playing games this week. Oh, yes, there is a God. Thank you God for just the simplest of things to keep me going! Baseball is definitely one of those energizers.

Seeing MLB on tv has gotten me through this stressful week.....Thank you!

Resigned to being overwhelmed

And that's not a bad thing!

Rather be overwhelmed than bored or discontent.

And yes, the items that overwhelm me are probably chump change to those who have 'real' problems...yet to me, they are important and they are real.

Looking into my crystal ball for March, I turn over and attempt to go back to bed because maybe it won't really all attack me if I am sleeping!

The person I call one of my 'best friends' is due in town next week for surgery....will be interesting. Have not seen him since September. I've changed. He hasn't. When he said 'jump' I stayed grounded this time. I will assist him if I can but overall, I can not re-arrange my life anymore for him. I've done that for the last 14 years and I am D-O-N-E!

I truly believe (and what do I know) that God has a bigger reason for him being home other than surgery and visiting me. His Mom is about to turn 87 years old. I think they should spend as much quality time together as they possibly can, no matter how much both of them annoy the other.

This will get interesting folks.

Another dear friend is also ill and it's killing me. I was going to be in his neck of the woods the other day and was dying to pop in and surprise him, but he had a doctor's appointment. We are always two ships passing in the night. I will put a stop to that as well in 2011.

If there is any consolation from this week, I had to make a trip to my car dealership. Most people cringe when they visit the dealership or auto body shop because there are always unexpected costs. I kinda thought that way too but I believe NEXT visit I'll have some extra expenditures.

When I go, I take treats to the autobody folks and then pop over to the nice guy who sold me & Mom our car. Seeing their reaction and their eyes get so big when I hand over a big bag of candy or baked goods brings a smile to MY face.

Well, this time my friend Kenny was off, but those guys still made me smile from cheek to cheek. I walked in and they immediately started asking me what kind of treats I had...and that Kenny was off but they would 'try' to save him a few morsels!

They absolutely made my week!

Rounded off the week having dinner with my family. Well, everyone but my nephew, who was there in spirit while he worked. We celebrated Uncle Bill's birthday in Little Italy. The 1st birthday without UB. I'm sure he was having one heck of a time with his cousin Pope John XXIII, Mom and the rest of his posse up in Heaven! I felt good. I've been on a special nutrition kick and have been doing very well. People can tell I've lost weight and THAT makes me feel good too!

I have a feeling come next week when my buddy enters stage left, my hard work and focus on me will be flushed down eau de toilet!

I'm savoring this bittersweet week as best I can for who knows what tomorrow will bring!

So much for good health & happiness

OK, if you know me, you know I am surrounded by much love and happiness....and find the good & glimmer of hope in pretty much every situation...to the point where my cheeks hurt at the end of the day from enjoying much laughter throughout that day. But I have to tell you, it's only the beginning of March and the amount of illness in the new year has been astonishing. From my sister who had 2 surgeries at the beginning of the year....a few friends at work who are battling issues.....to one of my best friends, currently living in FLA, who will be coming into town next week to have hernia surgery.....plus his mother who will be 87 years old this year enduring her share of sickness. Our dear Pastor has been limping around as my choir director ...... I just found out another dear friend of mine has been 'quiet' because he was battling very serious lung issues and then had surgery...and then just recently wound up back in the hospital with complications. Oh my. Fortunately, he was well enough to chat this weekend and brought me up to speed. I know everything happens for a reason.......but please Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, enough is enough! Of course, with all due respect! I'm raising my arms and eyes to you for much improved health and ever so much more happiness in the coming months....if your will be done!

Family & friends make the world go round

What a whirlwind week! The twister swooped down & picked me up numerous times over the last 5 days, each touchdown recalling a sentimental moment in my life or making a new memory.

A week ago one of Mom's best friend's passed away. I can not believe she is gone. Ironically, the last place I met her for lunch is where we all gathered again to send her off and celebrate her life. Of course, she told her family to make sure Father Gary had at least 2 cocktails in her honor! During our luncheon, I met a few other school mates of Mom's who only had the nicest things to say about both Mom and Mercedes. It's rattling to have someone say, "you are singing my funeral" and then have it happen so soon after that declaration. Drat.

All in all, the experience very heart warming and soothing. I know I have at least two guardian angels up in Heaven (oh, so many more) that are squabbling back and forth that I am singing to one, no the other, blah blah blah.

The funeral was beautiful, just as Mercedes wanted...and the trip the cemetery as regal as the woman we were memorializing. The sun peeked through just as we said good bye for the last time. So many other thoughts came flashing back from this one event. When Uncle Bill passed away, we drove through Lakeview Cemetery after his luncheon to view the wall of daffodils...

The weekend continued surrounded by friends and family as I met a very dear friend for dinner. We broke bread and just talked, laughed, and forgot about life for the next three hours. Then, against my better judgement, I met a group of friends out. I was just about home and was rerouted thinking, 'this is trouble.' But in reality, it was nice to see a former co-worker of mine and just wind down the evening. Even better, the bonus at the end of the night. I had a delectable conversation with someone I hold dear to my heart. He nicely wrapped the entire funeral day up with a bow raising my spirits proving why he is one of my dearest friends I never, ever want to let go.

I re-connected with yet another former co-worker this weekend as he and his wife deal with a tough situation. But I told him, that's totally what friends are for --the love, friendship, moral support and any other support necessary to get through this thing we call life. It was a real treat just sitting and catching up with them for a while.

Then off to an impromptu family dinner full of homemade lasagna! MMMMM! And another treat was having 'the girls' in our midst! Zoey and Isabella are the cutest things in the world (besides Chica-lou!)...

Again, great to visit with the family, break bread and laugh, laugh, and laugh some more! Now, we all gathered during the beginning of yet another awful snow storm....but it was well worth it!

In the midst of this family love fest, looming in the back of my mind were two other dear friends who are not feeling well. One is having an operation this week after being sick for most of the year already. I pray for him everyday. He's very special to me. And my other friend will be coming back into town for an operation in a few weeks. He, too, is a dear friend who has a lengthy history with me.....

I so wish I could do more for them all.....as I began, family and friends make the world go round --at least my world. I'd be nothing without both.

And wrapping up this week of looking back down memory lane, yet another funeral. Uncle George passed away. Auntie and I went to the funeral and luncheon afterward. It was awesome seeing my closest cousins on hand, and just being able to sit there catching up without feeling like I have a gun to my head for 'the next duty.' We always say, "we should get together more, under better circumstances" when in reality, a good start is spending quality time, un-interrupted time at these spaced out gatherings. Living in the moment is all we can do and living as best as we can in that moment.